Just Give Me A Reason
by MatthewsMary
Summary: Matthew & Mary are living in their home near Downton Abbey with their daughter. As they try to expand their family, they are faced with the challenges of living in a modern world. Can they truly get through anything or will their struggles bring them to the ground? Getting what they want and overcoming unexpected events will test everything they think they've strengthened.
1. Right From the Start

Hello friends! Welcome to my story, "Just Give Me A Reason." This is technically a sequel to "Say You Won't Let Go," however, I am going to try to include details from the last story at least in the first few updates to catch someone up who may not want to go back and read it. You can expect this story to filled with excitement, angst, tears and laughter in the character's lives. Things will be up, sometimes they might be down, sometimes it will get hot and sometimes you might find yourselves worried. Just know, I love Mary and Matthew so much!

In all of Mary's life, she had never experienced the feeling she had right now as she waited at the table for Matthew to return home. As she looked over at her baby, Olivia Katherine, who was sleeping soundly, she wondered what this feeling was. Was it angst? Nerves? Excitement? Terror? She suddenly felt hot and the scent of Chicken was filling her nose. It wasn't just any chicken; it was the chicken that she had put in the oven fifteen minutes before after preparing it with her nose covered by her shirt. She was tempted to tell Matthew she was never cooking again. Mary wasn't a natural born cook or housekeeper. When she had previously been married to Richard Carlisle, she had very few moments where she had to cook a meal or wipe down a kitchen. It just wasn't a huge part of her life. That life had been hell. She fully understood it now. If she hadn't gotten pregnant with Olivia and he hadn't beaten her senseless, she wouldn't be in this kitchen today, trying not to get sick. She wouldn't have left her life with her family and Matthew rescuing her from the grasps of abuse. Then she felt the urge to cry. Olivia was small enough that she could still fall asleep in the cradle that they kept downstairs. She had been born almost eleven weeks early and she had maintained a very petite body since birth. Now she was ten months' old and the perfect picture of a healthy, normal and very happy baby. She was going to cry. They hadn't planned this. They had agreed to wait, but just a few hours ago, Anna had rushed over with what she needed from the pharmacy. As the tears began to fall, she realized there was no way Olivia was old enough to be a bit sister. The dead giveaway that Anna thought she needed a pregnancy test was that she had been nauseas and exceptionally tired. For a week at least. Anna suggested that she go get a few tests and Mary just take one. She really felt like she had the flu, so she laughed it off and said no, but Anna insisted. One trip to the pharmacy, one three-minute interval after taking the test and the digital test read that one word, "Pregnant."

She was pregnant.

Pregnant with her second baby, the first baby that would share Matthew's DNA. Not that DNA seemed to matter. Olivia didn't share his, but in every other single instance, she was his. Legally, she was his. Their connection was just as strong as if they shared blood. Now, there would be a new baby, one they hadn't planned. Not then. They had talked about trying after Olivia turned a year old, but they had been a bit careless for the last few months. She wasn't sure why, other than the passion between them often came before stopping for protection. It was stupid. It really was. If she hadn't wanted to get pregnant, she should have stopped it. They still had a little baby, who was changing every day. Olivia Katherine Crawley was their little girl. While she had the DNA of a man who was legally out of her life, she was every bit the very loved child of Matthew and Mary. Matthew had been there almost from day one of her pregnancy, she was the only father she would ever know. The only father she had. Not that there wasn't a small part of her that was excited. She had just weaned Olivia off of breastfeeding and she was already missing those sweet bonding moments. There was a part of her who struggled more than Olivia with weaning. While tiny, she was reaching milestones. She finally had two teeth poking through, which had taken forever to arrive, was eating baby food and some other solids and sleeping in her nursery most of the night. She still woke up at least twice a night and the second time, they always brought her in with them. They missed her more than she missed them. And Mary would never admit it to Matthew, but sometimes she would let Olivia nap in their bed instead of her crib, just so she could soak up the time with her. They weren't supposed to do it, but she wanted to savor these moments. Now especially, knowing that there would be another baby. Olivia was going to be a big sister and that made her emotional. She wiped her eyes as she reached for the baby, who opened her eyes for a moment before resting her head on Mary's shoulder. That was when she heard the door close to the car and she knew he was here. She had to tell him. She wasn't going to keep it in. Soon, he would know that baby number two was coming their way. She was sure he would be thrilled. Matthew had constantly expressed interest in having a baby whenever she was ready. He was expecting that they would try soon, but not this soon. "Mary?"

"Kitchen." She called, as the door to the house closed loudly and Olivia jolted awake. She moved her free hand to the back of Olivia's head as Matthew walked in, a big smile on his face. "Hey."

"Hey." The tall blonde man grinned, walking towards the two women in his life. Mary felt a bit of relief as he got closer, pressing a firm kiss on her lips. "What is cooking?"

"I made some chicken and pasta." Mary breathed, trying not to think back to how sick she felt just smelling it. "New recipe."

"You're so domestic." Matthew chuckled, immediately taking Olivia from her arms. "And you, little lady? How are you?"

"Someone took three long naps today." Mary breathed nervously as Olivia grinned, hiding her head on Matthew's shoulder. She reached for the pacifier from the cradle, giving it to Olivia. "I would celebrate, but I fear it's because she's finally teething. She has a low fever, but the doctor said it was most likely from her teeth."

"Did you mention that you've been sick too?" Matthew frowned, kissing Olivia's head and bouncing her a bit.

"No…I actually didn't." Mary stopped, knowing she needed to just tell him. She needed to come out with it.

"You should have." Matthew sighed, walking over to the cradle to grab one of Olivia's polka dot blankets. "I mean she's had a fever and a runny nose. You've been exhausted and nauseas. Something is working its way through our house and I just want you guys to feel better. I have a business trip in a week and we don't need it going back and forth. I mean, I can't get it on my trip but I'm more worried about you feeling bad while I am gone."

"We will be fine." Mary nodded, watching as Olivia sucked on her pacifier, resting her head on her father's shoulder.

"Well, if you're still sick in a few days, you're going to the doctor." Matthew almost demanded, leaning over and kissing her head. "I worry about you two. It will make me feel better."

"So, Anna went to the pharmacy today and brought back something for Olivia." Mary sighed, finally deciding to just tell him. Anna had made a visit to the gift section of the store almost as a joke, bringing back a child's t-shirt for Olivia that was definitely a few sizes too big. She handed Matthew the bag, her hands nervously falling to her side.

"What did Anna get you, Squeaks?" Matthew asked, using the nickname he had given Olivia since she was a brand-new baby. He held her in his arm, using his hands to pull the shirt from the bag. When the plastic bag fell onto the table, Mary watched as he slowly opened the shirt. "Big…sister. Big sister."

"It's a Big Sister shirt." Mary said, a weak smile on her face as Matthew looked at Olivia.

"Squeaks, Aunt Anna doesn't even know your size." Matthew kissed Olivia's head, stopping for a moment and looking back at the shirt. "Wait…why does she need a shirt that says Big Sister."

"Because she's going to be a big sister." Mary smiled nervously, grasping her hands together.

"When this fits her?" Matthew looked up at Mary and then at Olivia. Mary watched as she thought he might be putting it back together, looking at the shirt again. "She's going to be a big sister?"

"Yes." Mary nodded, nervously resting her chin on her fist. Mary felt her stomach leap a bit a bit as Matthew dropped the shirt on the table. "I'm pregnant."

"You're pregnant?" He smiled, adjusting Olivia on his side.

"Yes." She nodded, her eyes widening.

"You're pregnant." He stated, walking over to her and moving his hand to her face. "You're pregnant, right now?"

"Yes" She laughed, before he pressed his lips into hers. "Are you happy?"

"Yes, of course." He grinned, pressing his lips back into hers. He kissed her deeply, before pulling apart and bouncing Olivia. "Olivia! You're going to be a big sister."

"Much earlier than we anticipated." Mary spoke, feeling a bit guilty of robbing Olivia of being an online child.

"We never quite mastered using protection consistently." Matthew chuckled, sitting Olivia into the cradle so that he could properly wrap his arms around his wife. "Are you happy?"

"I am, but I feel a bit sad for Olivia." Mary admitted, resting her head on his strong chest. "I feel as if she's not ready to be a big sister."

"She'll still get plenty of attention." Matthew said with promise, kissing the top of Mary's head, chuckling when he heard Olivia babble from the cradle. "Even if we did conceive much earlier than we thought."

"Next time we are waiting a few years." Mary giggled weakly; her head still pressed firmly against her husband. "That is enough diapers."

"Yes, I would agree with that." Matthew pulled away, his hands on her arms and he smiled big. "We're having another baby."

"We are." Mary sighed, taking a deep breath. "And I am not sick."

"You're not sick." Matthew celebrated, raising his arms. "Just pregnant!"

"Just pregnant." Mary giggled, as her husband picked her up and spun her around. Mary was pregnant, with baby number two. Likely a few weeks further along than when she found out in her first pregnancy. Her cycle had been off and not back to normal since her body hadn't yet adjusted after breastfeeding. She felt like she had been nauseated for at least two weeks, which usually didn't happen in the early weeks. She wasn't sure, but next week she would go to the doctor and get an exact measure where she was. Her heart ached a bit, knowing that her little girl was going to share the limelight. Olivia was her first, her heart and had gone through so much in the beginning of her existence. She had survived even when Mary almost hadn't. They had stuck through this together and now there was a bit of herself that felt guilty for being so excited. There was a baby growing inside of her and she couldn't wait for Olivia to discover that too. And Matthew. Her husband was over the moon, kissing her head and then lowering his lips to her abdomen. He was thrilled, just repeating how much he loved her. Things were perfect, even if it was unexpected. They had been reckless for months, not always remembering to add a goalie to their love life. Except right now, deep down, she felt like she was okay with that. There was something to be said for having a baby with someone you loved. There was something to be celebrated when you had an amazing baby girl who made being a mother the best thing in the world. It made it exciting to think about expanding, even in the face of it being a bit scary. Mary had learned one thing in her time as a mother, scary wasn't always bad. Sometimes scary just meant good things were coming. Maybe, scary wasn't so bad. 


	2. When Your Life is Perfect

Matthew hated leaving his family. He had signed up a month ago for a conference in New York City and originally thought he would try to talk Mary into going with him, but she had reminded him that she had an event to attend with her mother and grandmother that she couldn't miss. Since she returned to Downton Abbey, she slowly began to immerse herself into the life of making appearances and enjoying a few of the aspects in her old life, prior to Olivia and before Carlisle. Matthew was okay with that and she loved when he came with her. Now that they were expecting their second child, Mary had already cancelled two events on her calendar. Her morning sickness had gotten pretty rough and she was exhausted. A doctor was able to squeeze them on, so that Mary could be seen before he had to leave for his business trip. He hated leaving them, but he was only going to be gone a week and a half. While he was there, he was extending his trip a few days to meet up with a friend who had moved to the states and he would join his family out in The Hamptons. Then he would fly back and see Olivia and Mary. He was going to miss them and he had already figured out the time frames that he could video call Mary and they still be awake back home. He didn't want to miss a moment and made her promise to send pictures of Olivia constantly. And of her stomach as well. They had been surprised to find that she was about eight weeks along. It made sense now, why she had felt so bad the last two weeks. She had been very sick with Olivia and it seemed this baby was doing the same to her body. He didn't want to leave. Deep down, he just wanted to be with them, but business was something he had to think about too and this was something he needed to do. She had assured him that it was okay to leave, but there were times he was reminded about terribly her last pregnancy had begun and he felt guilty. He kept asking her if she was sure and she promised that it was fine. Still, he would miss them every single moment he was away.

His flight left later that afternoon, but right now he was getting Olivia changed after sleeping all night. She had managed to only wake up once the night before and he figured he would let Mary sleep in a bit and go wake her up once Olivia was done getting dressed. Olivia was in a great mood this morning, her dark hair still a bit messy from her deep sleep. He laughed as he brushed her hair and his baby girl tried to offer him her pacifier as a thank you. "I don't want that. But thank you."

"Ba!" Olivia giggled, kicking her legs, before putting her pacifier back in her mouth. Matthew leaned over, kissing the top of her head before scooping her up. His smile widened as Olivia opened her arms for him to pick her up. "Bah!"

"Really?" Matthew kissed the top of her head. He reached for the white knitted Elephant name Elliott that Olivia had fallen in love with, as well as the tiny plastic ring that she usually kept by her side. "We're going to have to tell Mommy to leave your toys downstairs while I am gone. I won't be here to search them out."

"Doe!" Olivia grinned, reaching for the blue plastic ring. "Bah doh bah!"

"I know, your Mummy loses everything." Matthew sighed, walking towards the door of the nursery. He flipped the light off, immediately hearing a weak scream and a tumble coming from the steps and maybe some glass. "Mary?"

"I'm okay!" He heard his wife yell, as he rushed quickly to the stairs. "Ow…"

"What the hell happened?" Matthew rushed to the steps, to find Mary trying to push herself up, her hand very clearly bleeding. "Are you alright?"

"I am okay." Mary assured him, standing up finally and reaching for a piece of glass. "Don't walk on this side."

"You're bleeding." Matthew frowned, not too concerned since his tennis shoes were on. "How did you fall?"

"The glass slipped and as I tried to reach it, I just fell." Mary shook her head, holding up her hand. "The glass cut me a bit. It doesn't seem to be deep."

"Well, let's get you cleaned up and then I will come get this straightened up and swept." Matthew watched to make sure his wife got up okay, feeling a bit worried about her. He knew she just slipped, but leaving them for a week was already hitting him in the nerves. Her morning sickness had hit hard, Olivia was teething had been good, but she would occasionally have a little bit of a meltdown when they bothered her, which the doctor said could happen randomly. What if she started having pain while he was gone and Mary's morning sickness got out of control? He had called his mother and Cora twice to remind them that this could happen. "Got it?"

"I'm fine." Mary rolled his eyes. "I just need to get cleaned up."

"Alright." He sighed, walking past the water puddle and glass on the step, following his now pregnant wife down the steps. She wasn't really showing yet, but he could tell that was coming. It had taken them too long to discover that she was in fact pregnant and there was a little pudge showing at the bottom of her abdomen that would likely be a bit more defined in a week or two. "Do I get credit for remembering to put a bow on Olivia's hair?"

"You do." She laughed weakly, reaching the end of the steps and looking up at him. "Hi darling!"

"Uh uh!" Olivia looked at her mother's hand, letting out a deep sigh before offering Mary her pacifier. "Ba!"

"Oh, thank you, but you can keep it." Mary smiled, wincing a bit as she pressed a kiss to Olivia's cheek. "I need a bandage or something."

"Clearly." Matthew gestured, before following Mary into the kitchen. As his wife walked to the kitchen, he walked to the area with Olivia's toys, putting her on a blanket Mary had left out the night before. "Stay here."

"She doesn't crawl, she's not going anywhere." Mary rolled giggled, reaching for a towel.

"What if she starts crawling while I am gone?" Matthew asked, walking over to the sink and taking Mary's hand. "Is there any glass in your hand?"

"Doesn't appear to be." Mary breathed, as Matthew kissed the top of her head and they heard Olivia babbling at her toys. He walked to the cabinet and reached for the first aid kit he had mocked his mother and Mary for picking up while out one day. He grabbed for some wound disinfectant and a bandage, walking back over to Mary. "And your fall? Is butt okay?"

"Yes, just bruised." Mary sighed, wincing as he poured a bit of the solution on her head, watching it bubble. "Like my pride."

"Be careful." Matthew saw the look of pain from the solution, kissing the top of her before they both washed their hands off in the farmhouse style sink. "I don't like leaving you as it is, but now I'm worried."

"About what?" She teased. "Me being clumsy? I did ballet when I was a little girl. Falling was a onetime occurrence."

"So, you're graceful?"

"Always." Mary watched intently as he placed a bandage over the cut on her hand, before moving his hands to her waist and lifting her up on the counter. "Hey."

"I need to clean up the glass and the water." Matthew exhaled, placing his hands on her waist. "Can I trust that you will keep yourself out of trouble?"

"Maybe…" Mary responded flirtatiously, pushing her hair behind her ears as the robe she was wearing slipped a bit off her porcelain shoulder. "How long will I have to wait for you?"

"Not that long." Matthew stepped back, reaching into a drawer for a rag.

"Olivia isn't going anywhere; you don't have to rush." Mary replied, leaning forward and pulling him by his hand. He moved to stand directly in front of her again, his hands moving back to her waist. "And since you're leaving me later…"

"Give me a reason not to go to New York." Matthew almost demanded, his hands moving up to her hair.

"I will stay naked for the whole next week and be your sex slave." Mary teased, arching an eyebrow.

"Cancel my entire trip." Matthew quipped, reaching for her injured hand, pressing a kiss to the bandage.

"I thought that might be tempting." She giggled, wrapping her long legs around his waist. She looked over into the living area, to find Olivia laying on her stomach, babbling at the fabric book in hand. "Endless sex."

"What would we do with Olivia?" Matthew asked, looking over at the little one who seemed completely happy to be playing.

"Well…endless sex when she doesn't need our attention." Mary shrugged, her lips moving to her husband's neck.

"So, not completely endless." Matthew turned his head, slamming his lips into hers. He pushed the robe off of her shoulders, moving his hands to her hair.

"Not really." Mary moaned into his mouth as Olivia began to cry from the other side of the space.

"I have to leave in a few hours." He pulled his lips away, lifting his lips to her forehead, before pulling back. "I will clean up the glass."

"I'll grab the baby." Mary breathed as he lifted her down from the counter and she fixed the robe around her body. "But she needs a morning nap. So, let's continue this in a little while. We can be quick before you leave."

"Can we put her down early?" Matthew joked, reaching for a dust pan from under the sink.

"No." Mary giggled, walking into the living area and lifting her baby. "Olivia, you were playing just fine."

"She senses when we want intimacy!" Matthew called as he walked towards the front of the house.

"Is that the issue? You know we're not paying attention to you? Mary asked, kissing Olivia's cheek before walking to the front of the house to watch Matthew as he cleaned up the stairs.

"Ba Ga!" Olivia pointed to her father, looking back to her mother. "Dada!"

"Oh my god." Mary gasped, letting out a light laugh and looking at Matthew. She looked back at Olivia who was pointing with her little finger right at Matthew.

"Did she just?" He stopped, standing up and dropping a rag on the steps. He walked up to his wife and daughter, taking Olivia's little hand.

"Yes!" Mary almost shouted, but kept laughing. "She pointed right at you Matthew! She knows who you are. She knows you're her father. Who is that Liv?"

"Da! Da! Da!" Olivia screamed as Matthew took her into his arms and held her up in the air. "Ba! Dah! Ba DaDa!"

"Squeaks!" Matthew jumped, before pressing his lips to her full cheeks. "You said Dada!"

"She said Dada first." Mary pushed her hair back, watching as Matthew tried to get the little one to say it again. He tickled her little belly.

"Bah!" Olivia shouted, reaching for her mother and Mary held her hands out.

"I spend all of my time with you, and you say his name first." Mary laughed, taking Olivia right back as Matthew wrapped his arm around her waist. "Say Ma…Ma."

"Doh!" Olivia bounced, clearly seeing how excited they were before popping her pacifier back in her mouth.

"Maybe I should stay." Matthew said quickly, not wanting to miss another major development. "What if she starts walking?"

"She refuses to even try to crawl, so I think you're safe." Mary rolled her eyes as his own pleaded with her to acknowledge his concerns. "Fine. If she starts to walk, I will knock her over and gladly take on the role of her enemy until you come home."

"This is why I love you." Matthew kissed her before going back to working on the steps. He reached for a larger piece of the glass that had broken as Mary watched, sliding it into a plastic bag. "Are you sure you two will be okay while I am gone?"

"I am sure." Mary rolled her eyes, Olivia in one arm and one hand resting on her abdomen. "All three of us."

"There are three of you now." Matthew looked up, feeling the smile on his face expand as he looked up at Mary. "Promise?"

"We are going to be just fine." Mary laughed, bouncing Olivia who was starting to sound as if she was whining. "I am going to make her a bottle while you finish that."

"Okay." He smiled, watching as Mary walked back to the kitchen. He didn't want to leave. He knew it was just a week, but so much was going on. Olivia was finally teething, she had just pointed to him and called him 'DaDa. So much was changing. Olivia grew so fast and it seemed like a week away would be an eternity. Then there was his wife. Mary was pregnant and he didn't want to miss a moment of that either. He had purposely avoided scheduling any trips for work once Olivia had turned one, because they were going to start talking about trying. Instead, they had tossed themselves a curveball and now Mary was pregnant. He didn't want to miss a moment of his life with them, but he would be gone for a little over a week and then they could get back to normal. They would start to plan another nursery, debate over whether or not they were going to find out the gender and they would be happy. The conference and then visiting his friend weren't all that long of a time to be away. Still, he was counting down the time until he could come home and be with his perfect family. He worried about leaving them, but still it was going to be just fine.


	3. Just Like That

As Mary walked around in the library with Olivia, she found herself exhausted but still completely entertained by her baby. Olivia was such a ray of light, even when she was tired herself. With Matthew being in New York, Olivia noticed the change. She looked around for her father constantly and was having issues going down for her naps. Still, she was a happy baby. Fussy, but happy. So instead of sitting around the house, she came to her parents' home to be surrounded by their friends and parents for the day. Olivia loved coming to their home and she loved that there was so much for her small eyes to look at. It wasn't just the scenery either. It was the people. Olivia loved everyone that worked in the house and she definitely loved her grandparents. Sometimes Mary couldn't help but feel grateful that she sometimes preferred Isobel, Cora or Robert when they were around. It meant she knew they cared about her in return and she had grandparents who had stepped up to the plate in their role. Even her father was hooked on Olivia and was constantly coming back from his trips with mounds of presents for his granddaughter. Then there was Mr. Carson. He adored Olivia Katherine. He loved to sit and sing with her, making her giggle with his faces and hand gestures. Mary considered herself extremely lucky. Wasn't being surrounded by people that love your child the most important ting of all? She wasn't sure, but she knew it felt great. Especially on days like today where she felt exhausted and her stomach felt a bit crampy. If she was at home, she would likely be trying to keep Olivia entertained all on her own while feeling terrible, but here, she had help. It was nice and seeing as she felt like the room was getting really hot, she knew she was fortunate to have help.

"Mary, I brought us some lemon water!" Cora called, walking into the room with two glasses of water. Mary turned around to see her mother walking into the room with the glasses on a tray. "It's better for digestion and I figured it might help you feel a bit better."

"Thank you." Mary walked over to the table where her mother sat the tray down. "If anything, it will be refreshing."

"Are you sure you don't want to go take a nap for a while?" Cora asked as she took Olivia from Mary and moved to sit down on the velvet sofa.

"I'm sure." Mary smiled, sitting in the armchair that had been in this room for at least a century. "It's a different experience, not having bedrest while pregnant."

"A whole new world, if you will." Cora laughed, bouncing Olivia on her lap. "And how are you darling?"

"Bah!" Olivia took the pacifier from her mouth, extending it to Cora.

"What is that?" Cora laughed, taking the pacifier from Olivia. "You don't need that right now. If you're trying to give it away."

"Bah!" Olivia frowned, watching as Cora sat the piece of plastic on the table. "Bah."

"She tries to share her 'Bah' with everyone." Mary giggled, her skin erupting in goosebumps as she felt another cramp. "Oh my."

"What's wrong?" Cora frowned as Olivia put her fingers on her nose. "Ouch, darling."

"Nothing is wrong." Mary closed her eyes, running her hand over her abdomen. "And be careful. She'll take skin off."

"I believe she will." Cora laughed, sitting Olivia down on her lap. "Next time your grandfather upsets me, I will put you to work on him."

"Ah!" Olivia kicked, moving her hand to her mouth. "Bah yah!"

"Yes. You just pinch his nose the next time he acts cross." Cora kissed the little one's cheek, before reaching for a rattle that had been sat on the side table. "Chew on this, not your hand."

"Teething has her constantly chewing on her fingers." Mary took a deep breath, looking back to her mother and daughter. "All of our toys and clothes are covered in baby slobber and she's a terror when you don't let her have something."

"Which is why I told Mrs. Hughes to wet a few clean wash clothes and toss them in the freezer for her to chew on." Cora advised, brushing Olivia's hair back. "It worked for you and your sisters."

"Of course, you would know what to do." Mary breathed in and out through her nose, patting her fingers against her stomach.

"Only, because I had to do it more than once." Cora smiled and Mary felt a bit surer that she could finish this week without Matthew, even though it hadn't even been too difficult this far. "Sweetheart, please go rest. You're looking a bit pale."

"I am fine." Mary groaned, put still pushed her body out of the chair, a searing pain shot through her back as she stood. "Oh!"

"Mary!" Cora gasped, standing up, moving Olivia to her hip as she went to grab her daughter's hand. Mary felt something run down her leg as she attempted to straighten out, leaning into the arm of the chair. She was almost certain that she would break the antique as she put the weight of her body against it.

"Damn…" Mary breathed, as the pain passed and she straightened out but kept her hand on her back. "I just have the strangest cramps and…I think I need to change."

"Mary." Cora looked at her with concern on her face, tilting a bit as she examined her daughter. "Why don't we run you to Dr. Clarkson's office?"

"What about Olivia?" Mary asked, knowing what she was feeling on her legs. She knew what was happening and she knew that Dr. Clarkson wasn't going to be able to do much.

"I will ring for Anna." Cora helped Mary to sit down in the armchair, reaching for a throw blanket to put over Mary's lap and to cover the slight stain of scarlet that has dripped to the floor. Mary swallowed what felt like vomit in her throat as Cora ran to sound the bell and then also yelled into the hallway in hopes it would make Anna get there sooner. "She can watch Olivia while you and I go."

"Mama, he's going to say…" Mary wasn't confused. She wasn't disoriented. However in this moment, she realized she didn't like that she knew exactly what was happening.

"I know." Cora stopped, leaning over to kiss Mary on the head. "Or he might not, but we have to go."

"I know." Mary nodded as Olivia watched her, but kept a hand on her grandmother's cardigan.

"I'm sorry for the delay, I was helping Mrs. Hughes look for the chargers Mr. Carson wants to use for next weekend's dinner." Anna announced as he walked into the library, her arms full of linens. She stopped when she realized Mary was seated, looking unwell and Cora looked incredibly concerned. "Is everything alright?"

"I am going to step out and take Lady Mary to the doctor." Cora kept her voice level as she walked up to Anna, urging her to take Olivia. "Olivia may need a nap soon."

"I'll be back to take her home soon." Mary said suddenly, almost speaking to Olivia more than Anna. As if to assure her that everything was okay, even though she was sure Olivia didn't understand that anything was going on. She was now focused on Anna's necklace as Anna spoke to Cora. Mary was certain that she was filling Anna in on her burst of pain or maybe on what she thought was happening. Mary had a strong feeling in her gut, that the joy she had this morning, was now gone. That she was being robbed of that moment that she had told Matthew and they had celebrated that something amazing was going to happen. She closed her eyes, wishing that this was nothing. She couldn't do this right now. That whatever was happening, she needed her other half and he wasn't here right now. A small part of her wanted to call him, but startling him until they actually knew something wouldn't help anything. He would just worry and it would get her worked up. She needed to stay quiet until she knew something.


	4. You Can Be Angry

As Mary sat in the bed that had always been in her childhood bedroom, she examined the Edwardian style room and wondered why she was here. The doctor said that she needed to take it easy, that she should try to get a lot of rest. They didn't say anything about bed rest, but her mother insisted that she come home until Matthew returned from his trip so that she would have some help with Olivia and have someone take care of her. The process would complete on its own. It had started on its own. She was losing her baby. Dr. Clarkson assured her that the fall on the steps likely had nothing to do with it at all. That this early on, her pelvis would have protected it. The doctor assured her that there wasn't always a good reason or explanation for why a miscarriage could happen. It didn't matter. It was happening and she wasn't ready. It wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to be pregnant. It hadn't been planned, but she and Matthew had been excited. They hadn't taken a ton of time to talk to her stomach like they had with Olivia and now she was wondering what they had done wrong. She wasn't sure if it was because she hadn't slowed down enough or had been too confident this time around, but it wasn't going to change the fact that she was losing her baby. It wasn't something she had a say in. It was happening all outside of her control.

Anna had returned a short while ago with a bag of clothes for her and Olivia, letting her know that her mother insisted that she stay until Matthew came home. She had reminded Anna that they needed more diapers than what she brought, but she simply said they had enough already. She was sure her mother kept them in stock for when Olivia was in the house. Still, in this moment it made her feel like she had failed in a big way. Failed Matthew, failed Olivia and failed everyone who had helped her get to her life now. She wasn't supposed to be recovering in her bed with people taking care of her again. She winced as she rotated to her side, resting her head on the pillow as her body began to cramp. The doctor had given her some liners for her underwear, to help her through the process and it made her want to be sick. Just like that, she was brought back to reality and it didn't make any sense. It was confusing and she felt like she was trapped in hell. The only thing giving her purpose was Olivia and knowing her husband would come home as soon as he could. Which meant she had to tell him when he called. She had tried calling him three times and he had been busy, texting her that he would call her as soon as he can. He was busy and they had talked about the possibility that things would get busier than he planned and that she shouldn't take it personally. He was in New York to soak up everything he could and even network. Still he needed to know and he needed to come home. She needed him. Olivia needed her father and just as she was thinking of him, her phone rang and she felt hope for the first time today. "Hello?"

"Mary!" His voice was loud and she heard the sound of taxi cabs blowing their horns and possibly rain. "Can you hear me?"

"Yes." She said, sitting up in the bed, wincing a bit.

"I only have a second, before I head out get a drink with a few guys." Matthew replied; his voice still loud. "Is Olivia alright?"

"She is." Mary breathed, hearing some voices out in the hallway. "I'm at my parent's house at the moment, she's with Anna."

"Getting spoiled, I'm sure." Matthew said and for a moment, he sounded almost upset to be away from them. "Listen, my cab just pulled up. If I don't get back to my room until later tonight, I want you to get a goodnight sleep. It will be well into the middle of the night back home. I miss you."

"Matthew…" Mary said, her voice soft as she heard him give the cab driver the street crossing where he needed to go.

"I'm here." He said, but before she could talk or find the courage to tell him, he continued. "I found a little shirt for Olivia and I got you a surprise too. I also got you something to wear that is more of a surprise for me, but it's for you."

"Great." She swallowed. "Matthew…"

"One second Mary…" Matthew replied and the connection seemed to be breaking up the sound broke up for the next minute as she tried calling his name to know response, before the line came back. "Mary, I'll call you tomorrow. I think we have a bad connection."

"I…Matthew…" Mary tried to catch his attention.

"I love you." She heard him say. "I'll call you tomorrow when things calm down."

"I love you." Mart whispered as the line went dead and she realized this was all happening at the wrong time. It wasn't his fault. This trip had been planned and she didn't have it in her to yell and tell him he needed to shut up and listen. He was in the middle of something and it wasn't going to do them any better to ruin his night. She would text him in a little while and see if he could call her when he got back to the room. Or maybe she would wait until the morning. Right now, she was having major cramping and the doctor said this could go on for up to a few days, with the worse happening with in the next twenty-four hours. She would have to see how it would go.

"Mary?" Anna's voice broke her gaze from her phone and she looked up at the door to see the petite blonde poking into the room. "Olivia and I came to tell you goodnight. I told your mother I would put her down before I left and she was going to check on her again before she went to bed."

"Bring her in please." Mary's face lit up as Anna stepped in holding Olivia, a bottle and heating pad.

"I brought a heating pad for you." Anna replied, holding it up in the other hand as she walked to the side where Mary was resting. "You're in bed quite early too, so I figured I could make sure you're both tucked in.

"Come here darling." Mary extended her hands, as Olivia sucked on her pacifier, but managed to smile as he leaned into her mother's arms. "Oh, I've missed you."

"I think she's missed her mother." Anna giggled, sitting the bottle on the night stand before unrolling the heating pad. "I will get this plugged in for you and then I can take her to the nursery and feed her."

"No." Mary shook her head, reaching for the bottle. "I'd like her to sleep with me."

"Mary, you might get more rest tonight if she's in the nursery and left to your mother." Anna replied, sitting on the side of the bed as she worked with the control of the blanket. "You know…"

"So, the miscarriage can…finish." Mary took a deep breath as Anna took her hand "Matthew isn't here. I'm not pregnant anymore. She's all I have right now."

"She's not all you have." Anna squeezed her hand. "You have a whole house full of people. Isobel would be here if she knew and wasn't on that safari."

"I know." Mary began to feed Olivia as Anna inched back on the bed.

"Have you heard from Matthew?" Anna asked, watching as Olivia began to drink from the bottle, her little hand messing with the silk on Mary's robe.

"He um…" Mary took a deep breath, blinking to stop her eyes from watering. "He was on his way to get a drink."

"Okay." Anna bit her lip, shaking her head. "What did he say? Is he coming home?"

"We had a bad connection." Mary breathed, looking back down at Olivia. "I didn't get to tell him and I was thinking...this isn't something you tell someone when they're trying to focus."

"Mary, he needs to know." Anna's eyes went wide as she reached for a pair of socks that Mary had placed at the end of the bed. "He is going to want to come home as soon as he knows."

"And this trip was important to him." Mary said quietly, knowing her friend was right. "He was too busy."

"What do you mean?" Anna frowned as Mary's eyes began to water again. Anna lowered her head, to try and catch her friend's attention. "You have to tell him."

"I will, Anna!" Mary almost shouted, moving her hand to her face. "I will. I just…I can't tell him when he's not listening. He was busy and we had a whole routine about how we were going to talk each day and he was too busy the entire time. I've spoken to him twice in a few days."

"Don't take it personally." Anna insisted. "But if you don't tell him soon, he's going to find out or he's going to be upset that you waited for him to get home."

"When? When he's in a meeting or on the way to meet with some guys?" Mary shook her head. "You didn't hear the conversation. He barely let me a get a word in. Between bad reception and his being busy, I can't just say, "Oh by the way, I killed our baby."

"Mary, this wasn't your fault." Anna's eyes turned red, as she moved her hand back over Mary's. "It happens. I don't know why, but sometimes it happens. Matthew will love you through this. He's going to want to be here for you and you're going to have to be here for him. But ahead of all of that, you didn't kill the baby. You had a miscarriage. It happens to so many women who feel the same way you do when it happened, but you can't be angry and you can't shut Matthew out."

"I'm not angry with Matthew." Mary insisted, holding her hand up, but quickly grabbing for the bottle that she had let go of as Olivia stretched. "I'm not angry...I don't know what I am."

"You can be angry." Anna said quietly, reaching for the cloth to wipe the side of Olivia's mouth. "Just…he would want to be here with you."

"I'm sure." Mary looked down at her baby, immediately wanting to kick herself. She wasn't sure how she felt right now, but it didn't seem fair to be sarcastic right now. "I…I just need to process this tonight. I can't tell him this over the phone."

"Mary…"

"I can't, Anna." Mary's eyes moistened as she tried to keep her eyes on her baby. "I don't know how to tell him this."

"I know." Anna whispered, taking her friends hand again and giving it a light squeeze. "I'm going to sleep in here with you tonight."

"What? Why?" Mary frowned as Olivia finished her bottle. Anna took the bottle from Mary, sitting it on the side table before reaching for the heating pad.

"Because the rest of the main process…it will probably finish sometime tonight and I don't think you should be alone." Anna replied, giving the heating pad to Mary, before taking Olivia from her. "I will tell Mr. Bates that you and I are having what they call…a slumber party in your room."

"Won't be miss you?"

"He will have to last the night without me." Anna replied, patting a very sleepy Olivia's back. "I can't leave you alone tonight. I will tell Cora that you and I will have Olivia in here so she has the night off, but that if Olivia gets fussy, we may need her to come get her."

"We won't…"

"Mary, what's happening right now isn't realistic to have Olivia around when it gets tough." Anna firmly stated, standing up from the bed. "Now, I am going to go talk to Bates and your mother, but I will be right back."

"Thank you." Mary took Olivia back into her arms, her little girl not as active with her baby talk which indicated she was exhausted.

"Don't thank me." Anna smiled as she walked to the door. "I snore on occasion."

"Great." Mary smiled weakly, feeling grateful as her best friend left the room. Anna was going to stay with her which she insisted wasn't needed, but deep down it was probably for the best. Still she couldn't fathom putting Olivia in another room tonight. She needed Olivia. She needed to feel how very real and very safe she was. As Olivia pressed her head against her chest, Mary just felt very grateful for her. She would figure out everything else. She would talk to Matthew soon. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe when he got home. She wasn't sure. She needed to tell him, but he had been busy and so focused on his trip it felt like she couldn't find the words even if he really truly did have the time to talk. A part of her was upset with him. Not, because of losing the baby. That was not his fault. She wasn't even angry, but it bothered her that they had made specific plans to talk at certain times and it had fallen apart. She knew deep down she was finding ways to avoid telling him. That it broke her more to break his heart. That having a broken heart alone, was better than hurting the man who had loved her through everything. So, she had to figure this out and she had to tell him. She had to. Not telling him wasn't an option. It couldn't be an option. It wasn't an option. At some point, she would have to confess.


	5. Knowing Pain

Matthew's heart was beating out of his chest and not in an exciting way. Tom had called him in the middle of the night in New York City to tell him that something had happened to Mary, that she was okay, but that he needed to come home. Immediately he asked about the baby and after much insisting that Mary tell him first, Tom finally let him know. They had lost the baby. That Mary was okay, but that they were forcing her to stay with them at the big house while she recovered. He had tried to call her, flown all day and it was dark in Yorkshire as he made his way to the estate. He had been able to catch a red eye to Boston and then had a long layover there before a long flight to London. Not to mention the delay in one of the flights, getting him home late in the evening. The entire time, Mary had not responded to a single text or call. He didn't understand why. He was her husband, the father of their children. He should have been there. The miscarriage happened and he wasn't there to hold his wife or receive the news with her. His heart was broken for the loss, but so broken for his wife who had to go through this when he should have been right there with her. He knew it wasn't something he could control, but it didn't make it better. His chest tightened as he saw the big house come into view and suddenly it was getting closer and closer. He was there. He could see Thomas waiting outside of the house to unload his suitcase, but as soon as the car stopped, he jumped out, nodded at Thomas and ran through the doors of the house to find Cora coming down the steps with Olivia. "Da!"

"Hey Squeaks." Matthew smiled weakly, taking his little girl into his arms for a moment. His eyes met with Cora, both of them shared a moment of sadness.

"Oh, Matthew." Cora frowned, wiping at her eyes before she leaned forward to kiss his cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"Where is Mary?" Matthew asked.

"She's been in bed since yesterday." Cora admitted and Matthew felt a bit surprised by that. "This one won't go to sleep, so I brought her downstairs. I figured bed time can wait a little while."

"Thank you." Matthew kissed her cheek and then Olivia's before handing his daughter back to her grandmother. "She's in her room?"

"She is." Cora nodded, looking up the steps. "Don't be startled. She looks rather pale and rough. She won't cry in front of anyone, but she definitely has been. Her eyes are red and swollen. And she won't eat. There is fresh food on the tray in her room, please make her eat a bite. She hasn't eaten a bit in over a day."

"I need to get upstairs. To Mary." Matthew ran a head through his hair, nodding at Cora before he took off up the steps, nearly tripping over the last two steps when he made his way to the top. He stopped for a moment, putting his hands on his hips to prepare himself before he made his way down the elegant hallway. She hadn't responded to a text or call since he spoke to Tom. He wasn't sure why, but he needed to see her now. As he stood in front of the cream door, he took another deep breath before placing a light knock against the old wood. "Mary?"

"Matthew…" Mary pushed herself up as he walked into the room to find her surrounded by a heating pad, pillows and a box of tissues. "I didn't know you were coming."

"I told Tom to tell you." Matthew walked in, pulling his jacket off and tossing it on the chair in the corner. She looked smaller to him, her skin even more pale then normal and her lips a soft pink. She didn't look well, but he knew she had been upset and that was probably why.

"He may have." Mary let out a tired breath, squeezing the tissue in her hand, before tossing it in the wastebasket. "You shouldn't have rushed home. There is nothing to see here."

"Mary." Matthew frowned, reaching for her hand. "Tom said there was a D&C, a surgery they could have done. Why did you opt to have the miscarriage naturally?"

"The doctor on call felt it was going to be an easier since it had already started and after they explained the other…I just decided it was best for me." Mary looked at the tissue, closing her eyes and moving her hand over her face. The risk for infection was low since it was before ten weeks, so I opted to do that. Mama made Olivia and I come here."

"I'm glad she did." Matthew squeezed her hand. "Was it…I mean…I know it was terrible."

"I can't ever go through that again. I won't…it was terrible." Mary moved her hand, sitting up in the bed. "They gave me a choice, left me alone for thirty minutes to think about it and I looked it up on my phone. I texted you to call me and then I just did research. I had to make a choice."

"I'm sorry." He frowned. "I was listening to a presentation when that text came in, but you didn't say anything else. I didn't know something was wrong."

"Something was very wrong." Mary wiped at her eyes, as the tears started to flow. "I lost the baby."

"I know." Matthew looked down at her stomach, an overwhelming sadness coming over him. Cora was right, she didn't look well and he couldn't remember the last time he had been this worried about her. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." She breathed, a light cry escaping her lips as her hand moved back to her face.

"And the process…it's over?" Matthew asked, fidgeting with his free hand.

"Yeah." She cleared her throat, her posture slouched against the pillows, her arms almost limp. "Mama had Dr. Clarkson come check on me earlier and he said the remaining cramps and all of it…it's normal."

"Are you in pain?" He asked

"Silly question." Mary's voice was tired as her eyes met with his.

"It was a stupid question." Matthew watched as she shifted onto her side, tears still escaping her eyes. "I wish I could make this better."

"You can't." He watched as his wife squeezed her eyes closed and he moved some of the pillows out of the way, tossing them to the end of the bed before standing up and kicking his shoes off. She was broken and quite possibly the most broken he had ever seen her. He had seen her through pain and a tough time, but this was different. He was pretty sure there was a permanent break in her heart that couldn't be permanently healed. "It is what it is."

"Mary…" Matthew whispered, sliding back onto the bed. He moved a bit closer to her, his hand moving to her shoulder, but she quickly moved her shoulder away. "You're mad at me."

"I'm not." She whispered, hiccupping over the tears that threatened to fall. "That would be stupid, to be angry with you."

"No, it wouldn't." Matthew leaned back against the headboard. "I'm a little mad at myself. My gut said to stay. Then I let myself get busy, if I had been checked in with you like I said or stopped rushing out to dinner, you wouldn't have had to do this all alone."

"I'm not mad." She repeated herself, the one light turned on in the room, barely hitting their faces. Still her back was to him, but he could tell she was trying not to sob. "I'm not mad at you."

"But you're mad."

"I am." She breathed, her hand resting on her empty abdomen as if she was protecting something, she still felt like she was protecting. There was nothing there. "I don't know if I'm more mad or tired or…"

"I spoke to Anna when I landed, she said you haven't slept much and your mother says you haven't eaten." Matthew cautiously placed his hand on her back, leaving it there for just a moment to make sure she didn't urge it away. He took a deep breath, before aligning his body with hers. "Mary, I don't know how to fix this."

"You can't."

"I know." Matthew swallowed, feeling his own eyes burning as he realized how broken his wife felt right now. "Mary, sometimes these things happen and we don't know why. We don't know why we lost this baby and we can mourn this one. We won't forget about this baby or ever stop wondering what would have been, but one day we will be able to have another baby and…"

"I don't want another baby." Mary turned; her tear stained eyes meeting his as she shifted on her side. "I…we can't talk about that right now."

"I know" Matthew nodded, taking pushing her hair behind her ears. He had never seen her like this, in the worst he had seen her, she had never looked this crushed. "Mary, I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"I'm sure, but I'm too…I can't sit here and think about how you weren't here." Mary's eyes were sunken, her pale skin red and blotchy. "You're here now. I'm sorry I couldn't...I don't know why it happened. I thought it was, because I fell but they insisted it wasn't that. They don't know exactly why it happened, but they think the baby had chromosomal abnormalities and that my body knew it. They gave me pamphlets on it, but I just didn't want to read it. It seemed pointless."

"I would agree." Matthew ran his hand along her side, not sensually, but with the tender care she needed to know he was there. "It won't make us feel better."

"I was excited, to have another baby." Mary fumbled with the hem of her sweater. "It was bittersweet with Olivia being the first and so little, but I was excited and I kept telling myself it would feel more real once you were home from New York. It hadn't quite hit me yet and before it could, it was gone. The baby was gone."

"I know." Matthew leaned forward, pressing a kiss on her forehead "There is no way for us to fix this. So, I think you can be in bed and cry about it. I think tomorrow morning we should get Olivia and go home. Resume our lives. We'll stay in a bubble for a few days, you'll rest and then we're going to pick up and resume our lives."

"Everything feels so heavy right now." She closed her eyes, pulling back from him bit. Not denying his closeness, but keeping space between them. "I don't know that I feel empty, but I feel hollow. Suddenly those two things don't mean the same thing."

"You don't feel empty, because you have an amazing baby girl downstairs." Matthew smiled weakly, thinking of the little one he had seen for a just a moment and wished he had been able to love on her some more. He had missed her so much the past few days. "She makes it impossible to feel a bit full."

"I feel as if I haven't spent enough time with her since this all happened." Mary swallowed. "I mean I have had her with me a lot, but I just kind of sit here. I haven't been loving on her and she's still kind to me."

"She's very forgiving and very fond of her mother." Matthew chuckled, kissing her hand. "When we're home for a few days, we can focus on her and just be together."

"Can she sleep with us tonight?" Mary asked, sliding her hand away from his, resting it on her empty stomach.

"Why don't we let your mother have her tonight? We should be alone for a moment." Matthew frowned, wanting to be alone with his wife. "Mary, we just had something big happen to us. I would like a moment alone to ourselves. This is a lot to process, for the both of us."

"Please." Mary looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears. "Please, Matthew. I don't want to be alone. I don't need time or to process this."

"Mary…"

"If you don't go get her, I will." Mary sat up, causing Matthew to get up from his spot quickly and place his hand on her side.

"Fine." Matthew sighed, trying not to show too much of anything in his voice. He didn't want to add to her pain, but he felt like they needed to be alone. Still, he wouldn't have fought her. He'd give her anything if it meant she would feel better. Even if he was deeply sad too and felt like they needed to spend a moment to be sad together. It was a life that while so small and new, had been lost. It hadn't set in with him yet and he felt like they just needed to be together. Still, she felt like she needed her little girl. Maybe it was the need to know she still had her little girl. That after everything they struggled with in the beginning of Olivia's existence, that baby made it through. It could be that. It could be the desire to avoid dealing or coping with the loss. Or maybe it was him. Maybe she didn't know she was mad. Maybe she wasn't mad, but maybe deep down she felt like she had done this alone.


	6. A Pain Like That

Mary's head was pounding as she sat on the couch and watched some cheesy movie on the television. It was early and Olivia had woken up before the sun, demanding her attention. Now she was sitting on the couch next to her with a blanket, her bottle and of course her pacifier. For a moment, it seemed all perfect again. She had grabbed Olivia to let Matthew sleep in, something he never did. Usually he was the first one in the house awake, but she imagined the time change had worn him out a bit. Olivia was bouncing her stuffed elephant, Elliott in front of her as Mary kept her eyes on the screen. The movie had something to do with a business women who had moved back to her hometown after a major breakup, but she wasn't really paying attention to the details of the story. Instead, her mind kept going back to the last few days. The pains that had shaken her body, the feeling of loss and the heartache. She felt empty in a way she never wanted to feel again, was traumatized from the pains that seared through her body and like the worst mother in the world as Olivia tried to get her attention. She smiled, because she couldn't help it as Olivia tried to climb onto her, extending that plastic pacifier towards her mouth. "Bah!"

"You can keep that." Mary laughed weakly, picking Olivia up and holding her little one in front of her as she tried to push the pacifier into her mouth. "Livvy…"

"Bah! Bah Ah Doe!" Olivia kept one hand on her mother, reaching for the white knitted elephant beside them, but it was too heavy for her small body. "Eh!"

"Is Elliott too heavy?" Mary couldn't help but smile again as Olivia tried to pull the elephant before giving up and resting her head on Mary. "Use your muscles."

"Ah!" Olivia tried again, before falling on her bottom and Mary lifted her up, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Bah."

"You know, you definitely make things better." Mary breathed, running her hands over the dark hair on the little girl she loved more than she loved herself.

"She does, doesn't she?" Matthew interrupted their moment and Mayr looked up to find him leaning against the entryway to the living room. She smiled lightly; his hair messy against his face. "How did you sleep?"

"Better." Matthew walked over to his girls, immediately dropping down on the couch. "Given the situation of course. I still sleep better when I am with you. How did you sleep?"

"I didn't sleep much." Mary sighed as Olivia reached for Matthew. "Oh, I see, now that your father is here, who am I?"

"Chopped liver." Matthew kissed her cheek as Olivia tried to put her pacifier in his mouth. Matthew opened his mouth, accepting Olivia's pacifier but only holding it between his lips so that it wasn't actually touching the inside of his mouth. "I'm going to keep it for me."

"Bah!" Olivia clapped her hands, before reaching for the plastic handle. "Bah!Ba!"

"You're in trouble." Mary yawned, leaning back against the arm of the couch, pulling her knees up. "Better give it back."

"She still loves me." Matthew chuckled as he released the soother, and Olivia looked back at the television. "What are you watching?"

"Some cheesy made for television movie." Mary reached for the remote. "I haven't really been paying attention."

"What are you thinking?" He asked, and she felt like a weight had been placed on her chest. She wasn't sure where her head was or if she even felt better. She still had light cramps, that the doctor advised could last for a few days, with a bit of spotting. She talked about it from a medical perspective, but Mary saw it as a reminder of what was gone. "You look a million miles away."

"I'm right here." Mary shifted, reaching for the remote off of the coffee table.

"No you're not." Matthew sighed, rubbing Olivia's back.

"What does that mean?" Mary rolled her eyes, switching the channel to what looked like a nursery cartoon. She flipped onto her back, to find her husband shaking her head. "Am I doing this wrong? I don't know what you're trying to say to me, Matthew."

"Nothing." Her husband stopped, pressing a kiss to Olivia's cheek as the little one's attention was caught by the television.

"Well, you obviously mean something." Mary sat up, sliding off the couch to pick up some of Olivia's toys they hadn't put away the night before. "You wouldn't have said anything."

"Mary, you're allowed to not be okay right now." Matthew replied as she reached for a white fabric bin, and grabbed a few of the baby toys including a little unicorn and fabric book. "We're not okay right now. I'm not, you're not."

"What do you want me to be doing?" Mark asked, turning to face him. "I don't know how to feel right now. I had a miscarriage and it was honestly the worst thing I have experienced and that includes being beat within an inch of my life. But losing a pregnancy, a baby, that was the worst. I will never know the absolute truth about why the baby didn't make it, but when you can't keep your first baby in the entire pregnancy and then you lose the second one…you start to think you're the problem."

"Mary…" Matthew stood, moving Olivia to his hip. "It isn't you. Your having Olivia early was the result of the trauma you experienced early in your pregnancy, you were under a lot of stress."

"I know." She groaned, putting the basket back on the shelf and pulling her hair back. "I was there, remember?"

"Mary." Matthew groaned and for a moment she thought Matthew might start yelling at her. "I We lost a baby. We were excited and then I left and while I was gone our world came crashing down."

"Yeah it did." Mary walked by him, heading into the kitchen, because Olivia's bottles needed to be cleaned out. There were things that needed to be done. Things she could do. Things she could control.

"And I wasn't there."

"No, you weren't." Mary stopped in front of the sink, shaking her head as she picked up a bottle. "I'm not angry with you."

"You are." Matthew lifted the tray off of Olivia's high chair, sliding his little girl into the straps and locking her in as Mary turned the water to the faucet on. "Here Liv…"

"Bah." Olivia held her arms out for her pacifier and a plastic block that Matthew gave her.

"I'm not." Mary argued, unsure of what she felt.

"Mary." Matthew walked close to Mary, leaning his hand on the kitchen island. "I wasn't there and you had to…go through that alone. Something unimaginable."

"You were doing something important. You were on a planned trip and something happened to go wrong." Mary reached for the bottle scrubber, keeping her back towards him.

"Mary, I'm mad that I wasn't there." Matthew admitted.

"It's not like you were being reckless. We knew you would be out of town." Mary groaned, reaching for the natural soap. "To be mad at you would be…"

"Understandable in this case." Matthew finished and Mary placed her hands on the edge of the counter, looking down at them. "It may have been unintentional or bad timing, but that doesn't change that we were apart when something terrible happened. I'm mad at myself and I know I couldn't have done anything to change it, but I should have been there. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at the universe or whatever power made this happen at all, let alone when I was gone."

"Are you mad at me?" She asked, her chest tight as she turned around.

"No." He straightened his body and her legs felt a little shaky. "I just…I can't change what happened, but I wish I could have been there with you during all of this. That's what I can be angry at. You needed me. I needed you."

"Matthew…" Mary ran her fingers below her neck as her chest felt tighter, her head shaking. "I don't…I'm not mad at you. But…. I was alone. I've never felt more alone, but I wasn't angry with you. I'm angry that this happened and that I was alone. Anna was there and so was Mama, but not you. I could have had a crowd around me, but you're the only person I wanted. I was alone."

"I'm sorry." He breathed and she truly wanted him to know she didn't feel angry at him. She was angry and it was easy to blame him, but she knew his intentions were not to hurt her. "We should have been together. You should have had me there."

"I'm not mad at you in the way you think I am." Mary felt the need to insist. "I'm mad at everything."

"Except Olivia?" Matthew smiled weakly, his hands moving to the sides of her face as she noticed tears in his own eyes.

"I could never be angry with Olivia." Mary pressed her head into his chest, looking over at her little girl who was chewing on the block Matthew had given her. "She's the one thing that no matter what, is always good."

"She is." Mathew kissed the top of her head and Mary felt her tears fall. She couldn't go through this again. She couldn't imagine a world where this would be worth it. Olivia was perfect and she didn't know what the future held. It seemed they had been so sure that it was up to them, that when they found out they got pregnant, they had seemed so sure it would all work out. It hadn't. "And when we're ready, when the time is right, we can try. We can talk about it when in a few months or something."

"Matthew…" She slid out of his arms for a moment, tears finally freely streaming down her face. She could tell he was broken too and she would never want to take away from his pain too, but she had to tell him where her head was.

"Yeah?" Their eyes met and she immediately began to cry.

"I can't do it again." Mary breathed, the admission breaking her heart. She moved a hand over the stomach, where her baby was supposed to be growing. "I can't do this. I won't do it again. I…Olivia is it. No more."

"Mary…"

"No more…" She cried, shaking her head. It was breaking her just to say it, to think that she felt the need to kill the dreams she had. The dreams he had. This would deprive Olivia of the sibling she deserved. "I don't think I can have children and I don't want to find out if I can't. I don't want to know my odds of experiencing this again and I don't want to feel it…I can't feel that happen again. "

"Mary." Matthew slid his hands away from her face, reaching for her hands. "Right now, isn't the time to make a permanent decision. The odds of it happening again are…"

"No…" Mary wiped at her eyes, thinking of the pain she felt and the hostility she held towards the situation. "Just…can we drop it for now?"

"I…yeah." Matthew nodded, wrapping his arms around her as their little one babbled from the corner of the room. His hand stroked her back as something hit the floor and they pulled away each other to see Olivia trying her hardest to lean over the side of her high chair, looking at the block that had hit the floor.

"Uh! Uh bah!" Olivia pointed, looking up at her parents. She smiled, tossing her pacifier onto the floor too and giggling, shaking her head left to right. "Bah!"

"We should take care of Liv for now." Mary pulled away, wiping at her eyes and seeing her concerns, her words stinging in his eyes. Worse than her saying she was angry directly at him and blaming him. In a way she thought maybe he just wished she blamed him. That she would blame him for not being there and they would move on. Instead, she had said she didn't want to experience this again, almost signaling she didn't want to try for kids again. She wasn't even sure what it meant. She just knew she couldn't physically or mentally take any more pain that she could control. She could control this, even if her own word stung. She watched her husband pull away and tend to their perfect little girl. His face filled with pain and confusion and she felt worse. She felt like a shell of herself. Trying to make choices that she felt would make her feel better, make her a better mother and a better wife. If she wasn't hurting like this, she would be more present. She wouldn't have to know the pain of losing a baby again. A baby that had been created before they intended, but they had been so overjoyed for. She didn't want to hurt like that again.


	7. The Same Kind

Whoever said feeding a little one something with red sauce was a good idea, needed to reevaluate what they knew about children. He had made a lasagna for dinner and while Mary hadn't touched a whole lot of it, Olivia had devoured it. Or at least it looked like she had. The little one was covered head to toe with sauce and pasta. Olivia had made a mess with the food she was able to eat with her hands and while Mary cleaned up the kitchen, he had taken Olivia upstairs to get undressed and a bath. It wasn't until he checked the temperature of the water for the bath, that he felt a sadness. The sadness of Olivia getting bigger, the sadness that the baby they were expecting a week ago would never get a bath from their parents and a brief sadness of Mary saying she didn't want to have another child. Or hinting to that. He didn't think she meant it. He knew his wife. She was heartbroken. She probably couldn't think about the future of their family right now. Still, her words cut deep. They had planned to discuss and perhaps try to get pregnant, once Olivia turned one and that was just around the corner. He didn't want to be misunderstood either. He got it. He really did. It seemed like an easy way to avoid getting experiencing the trauma and his heart was broken. They weren't ready right now. He had taken to the internet and read how some couples resumed trying as soon as they were physically cleared to try again. Then there were couples who needed time and he was pretty sure that they fell into that category. Neither one of them was ready, but he wasn't willing to say that he was ruling it out. It was different for her, he imagined. To physically feel life leaving your body. He couldn't compete with that feeling and he could never fully understand it. He would have given anything to have had this loss never happen, but he couldn't change that it had. This had left them scared and shaken, but he knew their feelings hadn't changed. There was no way she truly didn't want another baby, but he would let it go for now. It wasn't the time. For either one of them. Not to mention, Olivia was still a handful, which he was reminded of as he got her ready for her bath. The water was not too warm, but warm enough as he looked over to find Olivia pulling all of the wipes out of the container. "Olivia Katherine."

"Da…" Olivia put a wipe in her mouth, pulling it out immediately and laughing, waiving the cloth at her father.

"Yeah…it doesn't taste too good." Matthew laughed, lifting her up and putting her in the tub. "That is why we don't eat wipes."

"Ba?" Olivia pointed at the door and Matthew looked back.

"It's in your room." Matthew answered, reaching for the pink bathroom cup they bought for bath time.

"Ba." Olivia frowned, as Matthew reached into a bin for a couple of her bath toys. "Da Da!"

"Yes, Olivia?" Matthew smiled, handing her a rubber duck that she loved so much.

"Da, Ba!" Olivia whined, before kicking her feet.

"We'll get it after bath time." Matthew said as he poured a cup of water over Olivia's hair, careful to avoid her eyes as he heard Mary closing a door. She must have made her way up the stairs, as it sounded close. He smiled as Olivia tossed her rubber duck into the water, her little giggle filling the bathroom. In moments like this, he thought about what it would have been like to have two little ones right now. It would have been chaotic, but amazing. It wasn't much time to sink into his thoughts, before Mary's hands moved to his back. "You're done downstairs?"

"Mostly, but bath time is always so much fun." He felt her kiss his neck quickly, before kneeling down on the floor next to him. "I couldn't let you have all of the fun."

"Da!" Olivia clenched her fist, looking up at Matthew and grinning. "Da!"

"I see." Matthew couldn't help but laugh as Olivia held up one of the bath toys, trying to share with him. "That's a nice orange star."

"Can you say orange?" Mary asked, taking the small bath toy and holding it up. "Say 'Orange,' Olivia."

"Ba." Olivia squeezed her fist, before giggling. "Bah."

"It's always about the Ba." Matthew leaned over, reaching for the baby shampoo.

"This is nice, right?" Mary leaned forward, handing him the pink bath cup that Olivia had pushed away. "Just you…Olivia and I."

"It is." Matthew admitted, knowing he would never dislike being with them. Even though their hearts were broken, he still loved being with the two girls that lit his world up. Even as deep down, their hearts were hurting, it was nice. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Mary breathed, before taking the bottle of shampoo from his hand and pouring the organic hair wash into her hand. He could tell it was her way of trying to change the subject, by taking the lead. She put her hand over Olivia's eyes, using her other to pour more water over her hair.

"Mary…" Matthew leaned forward.

"I'm still a little crampy." She admitted, looking back at him. "The truth is, the doctor said I would feel this way for a little bit. Just everything processing, the main part is over, but my body has to finish reacting."

"You could let me take over her bath." Matthew reached his hand for the cup, kissing the top of Mary's head as he took it from her.

"I'm not made of glass, you know?" She sighed. "I won't break into a million pieces."

"I know, but let me take care of you." Matthew just wanted to take care of his family and take care of his wife who had been through hell. It was his way of getting through this and feeling like he had some sort of control. Like he could do something after having the rug pulled out from under them. "I won't smother."

"You're good at not smothering." She leaned over, kissing his cheek as to confirm she would let off of him. "And I think Olivia prefers your baths. You're more fun."

"Da!" Olivia kicked, causing little splashes in the water.

"Olivia, you're going to have your parents to yourself for a few days." Mary breathed, resting her arm on the side of the porcelain tub. "No interruptions."

"Our own little bubble for a few days." Matthew smiled weakly as he washed the shampoo from the antsy child's hair.

"Ba! Bo Bah Bah!" Olivia clapped her hands against her belly, turning over onto her knees. She pushed herself up. "Bah!"

"You have to move fast or she's going to bail." Mary giggled, as Olivia tried to crawl in the tub, her tiny hands, but the water just splashed.

"Olivia." Matthew struggled to get the little one turned around, ever since Olivia had become more mobile, she was constantly trying to explore. He turned her around, washing the remaining shampoo from her hair as Mary handed Olivia a wash cloth to keep her interest. "She's going to exhaust us and give us gray hair."

"Imagine spending all of your days at home with her." Mary laughed as Olivia began kicking her legs, pushing Matthew's hand away as he took the tiny blue loofah and put body wash on Olivia. Matthew stopped, smelling the lavender product that Mary had raved about weeks before. "Her naptime comes and I sometimes wish I could stop for one too."

"You could, you know?" Matthew leaned back, pressing a kiss to the top of Mary's porcelain skin. "You should rest more.

"It isn't that…Olivia, sit!" Mary pulled away, watching as Olivia pushed herself up on the ledge of the tub, her small hand slapping the side if the tub as she stood proudly. "Olivia Katherine Crawley."

"Da! Da!" Olivia giggled, swaying unsteadily on her two feet.

"Okay, let's get the last of the soap off of you and get you out of the tub." Matthew couldn't help but laugh, even if Olivia sometimes gave them a scare. She was the happiest little girl that he could imagine, who loved her parents so much. There were moments, where the odds had seemed stacked against her at birth. He looked over at his wife, who was smiling, but looked a million miles away as she sidetracked Olivia with the wet wash cloth again. He sat Olivia back down, and the little one began to chew on the cloth. Normally, Mary would quickly remind her that it was 'yucky' and take it away. Today, she seemed to just be focused on Olivia and her thoughts. He knew what went on in that mind, at least some of the time. He finished up Olivia's bath, lifting her out as Mary wrapped the towel around her. "I think she's going to be keeping us on our toes when she starts walking."

"More than she does now?" Mary's face lit up a bit as she let the water out of the tub and stood. "Goodness. I thought crawling was an adjustment."

"She's already impossible to keep up with." Matthew laughed as they walked to Olivia's nursery. It was his and Mary's favorite part of their home, the perfect place for their little one. He looked at Mary who had gone to sit in the rocking chair, her eyes peering out the window as he sat Olivia on the floor. He reached for a diaper off of the changing table, waiting for Mary to ask him why he didn't use said changing table. She always made fun of him for the times he would just tend to Olivia from the floor, claiming it was a guy thing to do. He quickly snapped the diaper on, deciding to put her pajama's on in a moment. "You look as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders, but I suppose it is."

"I don't know what is on my mind, honestly." She admitted, looking back at him. "I'm exhausted, mentally and physically and all I can think of his how much work Olivia is still and…we're we not ready? Was all of this the way of the universe. Letting us know we were in over our heads?"

"No." Matthew sighed, handing Olivia a fabric book before walking over to Mary. He kneeled down in front of her to look up and see her eyes filling with tears. "This is something that happened, but we could have handled it. This wasn't punishment for us moving too fast or taking on too much."

"How do you know?" She asked, letting out a deep breath and wiping at her eyes.

"Because I keep feeling the same way, but if we believe that then we're going to think every time something remotely bad happens, that its punishment for something we've done."

"I know…" She breathed, shaking her head. "Matthew?"

"Yeah?" He asked, as he looked back at Olivia who had crawled over to the crib and was now trying to pull herself up again.

"Does your heart ache?" Mary's voice asked, softly as she took a deep breath and the tears forcibly returned.

"It does." He admitted, moving to his knees to kiss his wife's forehead. She was broken and as the tears formed in his own eyes, he realized that the pain they both felt was something they had to battle together. He had tried to push it out of his mind, letting her go on as normal as she could. The truth was, they had just lost something that was equal parts of them. Ready or not, they were in love with that baby and for the short time it had existed, they had viewed it as good news. The night before he had heard the terrible news, he had stared at the hotel ceiling wondering if it had been a boy or a girl. He wondered if the baby would look like Mary or him, wondered if Olivia would be jealous. Surely she would be. She was still a baby herself. Looking at his wife, he knew she was torn apart and the one thing he knew for sure, is that he was in the same condition. A man living his life, knowing know that his heart hurt too. Knowing that right now, they were struggling. A small part of him felt it was silly, knowing she had lost the baby so early on. It seemed like they should have been able to just get over it, but the truth was, that little bit of exciting news had them smiling ear to ear. Then, it was gone. Just like that.


	8. Not a creature was stirring

The first thing Mary saw when she opened her eyes was the light from the phone battery charger subtly shining against the ceiling of the otherwise black room. It was way too early for Olivia to be up, but sure enough she could hear the little one crying from her crib. She reached for her phone from the nightstand, pulling up the app on her phone to see if there was a chance her baby girl would go back to sleep. Mary could usually tell based on what she saw. When she looked at the app the showed the monitor view, Olivia was standing in her crib, crying and pointing to the floor. Every little bit, Olivia would let out a cough that let Mary know that she was crying harder and harder. Mary looked around to find that Elliot, Olivia's favorite stuffed animal was not in sight. Olivia had gotten into the habit of waking up hours before the sun, tossing something out of the crib and crying until someone came to get her. She wasn't going to go back to bed, not without someone coming and bringing her into her parents' bed. Mary closed her phone, looking over at Matthew who looked like he was deep into his sleep and while she debated telling him to go get Olivia, she knew he had been working hard to take care of her. So, Mary pushed herself out of bed, adjusting the Free People Bralette and pajama pants she was wearing as she walked out of their bedroom and across the hall. For a moment, it sounded as if Olivia had gone back to sleep, so she paused outside the door to listen. It was the ultimate mother's trick. To take advantage of a moment of silence to listen and see if the baby had actually gone back to sleep. It was quite for a moment, before Olivia began to cry harder. Mary slowly pulled down the lever and pushed the door open to find Olivia who immediately changed from crying, to smiling, with the tears still coming down her face. Mary couldn't help but smile as she turned the sound machine off from the dresser, before walking over to the crib. She leaned down to pick Elliott up from the floor and placing him back into the corner of the crib. She hesitated to keep the elephant in the crib, but she usually didn't put Olivia in until she was asleep and kept her on the opposite side. Just when she had put Olivia to bed the night before, she had rocked Olivia to sleep just as she did every night. Knowing soon, she would have to let Olivia fall asleep on her own. For now, she just wanted her to stay little. "Olivia…"

"Ba." Olivia cried again, raising her arms as Mary reached for her.

"Where is your Ba?" Mary held her little girl close, her other hand on her back as she looked around. She looked around the crib, frowning and wondering if this 'ba' had gone to the lost land of wherever the others went. Thankfully, she kept a basket in the top drawer of the changing table with clean and brand-new ones since Olivia lost them frequently. Mary flipped on a small light on a shelf and reached into the drawer for a brand-new green pacifier and held it in front of Olivia's mouth. She frowned when she noticed Olivia had a runny nose and that something had dried under Olivia's nose. Even though Olivia seemed calmed by her new pacifier, she was starting to whine again and rub at her eyes. "Darling, why is your nose runny?"

"Bo…" Olivia whined with a deep sigh and Mary moved her hand over Olivia's forehead, thinking that the little girl actually had a slight fever. Except to her relief, Olivia wasn't warm at all. She reached for a baby wipe, wiping it quickly under her nose as the little one cried harder, throwing her body back and coughing.

"Olivia…" Mary frowned as Olivia stopped coughing again, wiped at her eyes then pointed at Mary's cheek. She kissed Olivia's cheek, also noticing that Olivia seemed a bit pale, her face a bit swollen. Still, it was possible she had slept hard on her face or something.

"Da." Olivia's smile returned, even though her voice sounded a bit raspy.

"Let's go wake up Da." Mary kissed Olivia's cheek, wondering why Olivia's cold came on so suddenly. They had put her to bed and Olivia had been very obviously tired, but other than that, she had been the happy and healthy baby she usually was. Mary reached for one of Olivia's blankets folded nicely on the shelf before exiting the nursery and stepping back into her and Matthew's room across the hall. Matthew was still sound asleep as Olivia began to babble. "Shh…we'll have to see what your 'Da' thinks about having a sick little girl at home."

"Da! Ba! Bo doh Bah!" Olivia squealed, before taking a deep breath and Mary sat her on the bed, Olivia immediately crawled towards Matthew, trying to climb up on his back as Matthew slept. Olivia panted, slapping his arm and whining. "Da…!"

"Sleeping Liv…" Matthew muttered as Mary leaned back on her pillow, and Olivia coughed again. Olivia stretched her fingers out, hitting Matthew's back and babbling as he shifted on his back and Olivia fell against Mary.

"Ouch…Liv." Mary couldn't help but giggle as Olivia's feet went up in the air as Matthew leaned forward to turn the light on by his bed. Olivia let out a cough, before taking a breath that sounded heavy.

"Olivia, why are you awake?" Matthew sounded tired, but he didn't sound angry and Mary always loved how he always managed to sound excited to see Olivia. He sat up quickly, grabbing Olivia and lifting her up in the hair, then a frown his face as he brought her down to his lap. "She sounds congested."

"I noticed that too." Mary replied, leaning forward to wipe at Olivia's nose with a tissue from her nightstand and Olivia began to scream, throwing her body back.

"Liv…" Matthew frowned, moving to hold Olivia over his shoulder.

"She must have a cold." Mary sighed, taking a deep breath as her and Matthew's eyes met. He looked worried, a type of worried that she had in the pit of her stomach, but she assumed came with the fear of first-time parents.

"She was fine a couple of hours ago." Matthew moved his hand over her forehead and then checked Olivia's diaper. "No fever."

"But she threw up after breakfast yesterday morning and barely ate all day." Mary frowned, taking Olivia into her own arms. "Perhaps she has her first bug."

"Perhaps." Matthew watched as Olivia whimpered, her chest taking deeper and harder breaths. She sounded tired and looked to be trying hard to breathe.

"Who are you calling?" Mary sighed as Olivia screamed, working herself up as she began to sound out of breath. "Olivia…"

"Why can't she catch her...Mother…" Matthew rushed out of the room as he began to speak. Olivia began to cough again, her breath sounding raspy before she got sick on Mary's black pajama bottoms. Mary wasn't even sure what to do as Olivia threw up on her legs. Olivia began to cry harder, unsure of what just happened. She wasn't screaming anymore, just crying as she seemed confused. Matthew rushed back into the room, making eye contact with Mary as he spoke into the phone. "Yes…no she just threw up on Mary. Okay…yes. We'll go."

"What is she saying?" Mary's eyes were wide with worry as Matthew grabbed a pack of wipes and walked swiftly to the bed. "Should we put her in the bath?"

"No, we're taking her to the local children's hospital." Matthew tossed his phone on the bed, before rushing over to lift Olivia off of Mary. "Toss some clothes on, we'll wipe her down on the way."

"Why are we taking her?" Mary frowned, her heart starting to beat fast as Matthew reached for Olivia, stripping her of her pajamas.

"My mother said we need to take her as a precaution." Matthew breathed, kissing Olivia's cheek as the baby cried. "She doesn't like that she sounds winded and threw up if its just a cold. She said to be on the safe side we should take her in and it's the weekend, so the doctor's office is closed."

"She said more than likely, she's fine." Matthew assured her, as Olivia became tired, her cries winding down, but not for being calmed, it seemed more like she was exhausted. "Let's just go and have our minds put at ease. We can be laughed at for overreacting as first-time parents."

"Right…" Mary looked down at her lap, using wipes to clean up the mess that had spilled onto her. She would shower later. Right now, Matthew was exiting the room and she heard him taking Olivia into the nursery. She assumed he was grabbing their diaper bag and grabbing a couple of diapers. Mary got up from the bed, making a mental note to toss the sheets when she got home as she stepped into her closet to find something to toss on quickly. In her mind, it seemed like they were being silly to rush into the hospital, because she felt like the doctor's would just send them him. She was worrying too much and so was Matthew. She knew it. She needed to tell the voice in her mind and gut to keep quiet, because her heart was racing. Being a parent was hard and overreacting had been something they had done on occasion in her first year, this was probably no different. Still, Mary could hear Olivia's whining from the next room and her little girl didn't sound like her little girl. Her skin color was pale, she had thrown up and her appetite had faded. It made sense that she was coming down with something. The cough and vomiting just proved that. And she was fussy. Olivia was just experiencing her first bug and when the doctor's sent them home, she would take good care of her baby and nurse her right back to health.


	9. And then the world stopped

Matthew was convinced he was worrying more than he should. At least that was his thought until a few minutes before the doctor's and nurses had stopped in for the fourth time in the six hours they had been at the hospital. Olivia had been poked and stuck several times, each time she screamed in Mary's arms. She had undergone several tests, one in which the doctor's immediately left and went into a conference room. They didn't tell them anything. When he looked at his wife, she looked tired and worried, but mostly kept her calm. Now, their little one was sleeping against her chest as she sat on a hospital bed. They hadn't yet ruled anything out and were waiting for some more tests to come back. Olivia had a small fever, but no signs of an infection. At the hospital, the doctor's noticed a few symptoms that Mary and Matthew hadn't, like a distended stomach on Olivia. It was slight, so it made since that they didn't notice it right away. The other was that the doctor had asked if Olivia had been fussy when making any movements and Mary mentioned that she would always get a bit frustrated when she would crawl for long periods of time. She usually only crawled small distances which didn't bring them any concern. It wasn't until the doctor's mentioned it that it stuck out.

"Your staring." Mary said suddenly, throwing Matthew out of his thoughts.

"You're beautiful." He smiled, pushing himself up and walking over to the bed. "I thought when they did the echocardiogram and, that they were going to say something was wrong with her heart, but they all just left."

"I feel that she's gotten sicker since this morning." Mary breathed, kissing Olivia's head as she slept.

"She has." Matthew sighed, looking at his watch. It was time for Olivia's afternoon nap and here they were watching their child sleep in between doctor's. Just as he looked at Olivia's tiny hands, that were now covered in medical tape, the door opened and one of the doctor's they had worked with earlier had come in, along with the nurse that had been tending to their baby girl. "Dr. Ward."

"Matthew…Mary." The on-call heart surgeon that had consulted with them before some of the tests and introduced himself earlier, was now standing in front of them, as the nurse walked around to check the monitor that Olivia was plugged into. All of the doctors had immediately started using their first names, a tip Matthew figured they used to help ease the tension.

"Dr. Ward." Matthew reached for Mary's hand, immediately looking to the doctor who took a chair in the corner next to the desk.

"It's her heart." Mary said almost as a matter of fact as she looked down at her baby. "You wouldn't be here if it wasn't. You're a heart surgeon."

"It is her heart." Dr. Ward sighed, the color from his face gone. He took a deep breath, before sitting Olivia's chart down. "Olivia's heart is pumping too fast and too hard. It's struggling, because her heart and lungs are surrounded by fluid."

"She was fine…" Matthew felt confusion and as if someone had punched him in the gut. "There were just tiny symptoms. Nothing scary."

"Until this morning." Mary breathed.

"With children this young, their symptoms aren't often discovered for quite some time and when they enter heart failure, it is often very sudden." Dr. Ward explained as Matthew's eyes went wide.

"Heart failure? What do you mean?" Matthew stood, letting go of Mary's hand. "Olivia's heart was checked at birth and nothing was found."

"She was most likely born with some sort of defect that didn't reflect when she was born." Dr. Ward explained. "She had no major symptoms so there was no need to test any further. The only reason we did today was due to her heart rate."

"What do we do now?" Mary asked, making it clear she just wanted a solution. "How do we fix it?"

"Olivia's situation is unique. She wasn't presenting anything until her body started shutting down. Chances are that she was days away from a terrible outcome. These cases can present very suddenly." Dr. Ward ushered to the nurse. "We are going to admit Olivia and begin I.V. medications immediately that should help relieve the pressure around her heart as well as some that should help her heart not have to work as hard. Once we get that under control, we will begin discussing what route we need to take."

"What route?" Mary frowned. "But if her heart doesn't have to work so hard and the fluid leaves, isn't that the problem being solved?"

"It's a temporary solution to a life changing problem." Dr. Ward sighed, standing up and putting his stethoscope in his ears. He listened, before shaking his head and stepping back. "She's fighting. No wonder you guys didn't suspect anything until today. She's using everything she has to keep this heart beating."

"She truly is the happiest baby." Matthew said out loud, even if he was sure he had only been thinking it. "She can't be sick."

"Let's get the medications started and then we can discuss things further." Dr. Ward interrupted, nodding at his nurse before heading to the door. "I know this is a lot to process and we will keep talking, but I am going to order some more tests and someone in here to get her medications attached to her I.V. Then we will talk more."

"Alright." Mary nodded as Olivia began to stir. Matthew knew that the doctor spoke with them for a few more minutes, but as he saw his little girl start to rub her eyes, then let out a weak cough his focus had turned to her. The sleeper that they had brought her in with had already been replaced with a hospital gown with some generic teddy bears on them. After he was done noticing this, he realized at some point he had told the doctor goodbye before he left the room. It was moments after that, when he realized Mary was crying. "Matthew, we have to take her home. She was fine…this wasn't supposed to be anything major. It was a precaution for them to tell us we were being overbearing first time parents. We were being paranoid Matthew."

"No, we weren't." Matthew shook his head, feeling his own shock as he wrapped his arms around his wife, before Olivia opened her eyes. She looked confused for a moment, then smiled and hid her face in Mary's chest. For a moment, he forgot that they were sitting in a hospital, waiting for their baby girl to be admitted. Her heart was failing. How was that possible? She seemed completely perfect and then she wasn't. She was perfect, but suddenly their world had a cruel reminder that the joy they felt with her could be taken away at any moment. The doctor had said she was struggling. That her heart was overworking itself just to stay alive and they had no idea this whole time. Somehow their amazing little girl, had been hanging on, never letting them know that something was brewing. "We're going to make sure she has the best care possible. We're going to fight this and figure out what we have to do to heal her."

"Matthew, her heart isn't working right." Mary burst into tears as Olivia frowned, stretching her finger.

"Ba?" Olivia frowned, pointing to her mother as she looked around. The doctors had told them Olivia could have her pacifier, but now he wasn't sure. That was before her diagnosis. Now, he felt like if she was struggling to keep her heart beating, she probably shouldn't have it. He wasn't even sure where they would start with this. Was she okay right now? Was smiling okay? Should she be talking? He had no idea, but Olivia sat up and did something she didn't normally do when she woke up. Instead of continuing with her baby babbling, she let out a tired cough and began to whine again.

"Liv…" Mary breathed, pressing a kiss to Olivia's head. Now, as he looked at Olivia, he felt like he knew now that she was sick. It was a sudden realization that Olivia had looked different, hidden by a little girl who had seemed completely fine. He wondered when the first symptom had hit. Her appetite had been off for a few days, but Olivia had always been on the small side and they just thought she was getting picky. It never hit them as alarming. It wasn't until Mary had gone to get her this morning, that they truly thought anything was wrong. Mary had reminded him this morning that she had lost her breakfast the day before, but it still didn't alarm them. She did that occasionally. She was a baby and they did things all the time. They changed all the time. Now, their baby was sick. Not a flu or cold. Not a small ear infection, no. It was her heart. Her amazing, beautiful happy heart had suddenly been replaced with one threatening her life.


	10. Something Small, Something Big

Two days before, Mary had been holding Olivia's two hands and trying to get her to take steps. She hadn't, but it had been something they had tried. She had thought next week she would take her to the children's museum and then let her try some ice cream. She had a million things she wanted to show her little girl and now, the smiley baby girl had been replaced with a baby wearing just a diaper, attached to a lot of cords that made their way to machines that monitored her vitals or administered medicine. Then there was the machine that immediately sent a pulse to her chest if she didn't breathe. All Mary felt was confusion. Why was her amazing and perfect baby, lying in a bed looking so helpless? The doctors had assured them she needed to rest. That they were going to give her drugs to make her extremely sleepy so that she could rest her heart. Then a few hours ago a nurse had come to take her vitals and rushed out, only to return with Dr. Ward and the on-call pediatrician to tell her that Olivia had developed a severely high fever. They still didn't know what was wrong with Olivia, but had thrown around phrases like 'heart failure' and "no improvement.' None of it made sense and it wasn't fair. Olivia had been through enough and now she was fighting for her life according to the doctors. It didn't make sense, but this was what was happening. Now, they had to figure out how to get Olivia through it and back home. She wanted nothing more than to see her baby girl smile, which she hadn't seen for a while now. The little baby wasn't even sleeping normally. With all of the cords, the doctors had positioned her in her sleep the way they needed her to be. It wasn't natural and it wasn't fair.

"Mary?" Matthew's voice broke her thoughts as she looked up at him, to see him resting with his arm on the bed Olivia was on. They had asked that they put her on a bed for now, so that they could get to her see her. Although the doctor's insisted she go into a crib when they woke her up again.

"Yes?" Mary breathed, looking down to see her phone going crazy with texts, her latest one from Edith.

"She hasn't eaten in almost thirty-six hours." Matthew sighed, looking at the tube attached to the baby's nose. "She needs to eat."

"I know." Mary's voice was dry, watching Olivia's chest rise and fall harshly in each breath. She hadn't thought much about the fact that Olivia hadn't eaten. She was still focused on the moment before they made her put her back in bed. They had let Mary hold her briefly as she slept, noting that occasionally Olivia would stop breathing until the machine jolted her. It served as a heartbreaking reminder that it only happened when Olivia got too tired. Too tired to breath. Too tired to fight and too tired to keep up. Then as the machine reminded her, she bravely resumed the fight. The fight that nobody could yet tell them how she could win. "Her skin…it looks paler to you right? Her lips are…"

"She's lost a lot of color today." Mary confirmed, standing up to go around the bed to sit next to her husband. As she got somewhat comfortable, the door opened to the room and Dr. Ward came in, looking tired too. He had promised them he would find answers and while he looked tired, he also looked less tense since they had first seen them. Maybe he had gotten some sleep or maybe he was comfortable around them now, but as he came in, they all stayed quiet for a moment until he took a seat. "Dr. Ward."

"Well, I have a few things to go over." Dr. Ward sat her chart down on the table next to him, taking his glasses off and cleaning them on his lab coat. "And I am not going to go in order of best to worst, I'm going to go in order of what we will address with Olivia."

"Alright." Matthew nodded, taking Mary's hand.

"So, the first bit happens to be good news." Dr. Ward shrugged, talking with his hands. "I sent some labs over to a fellow friend in Dublin and one in Los Angeles. I wanted them to confirm that they would rule the way I would since Olivia is quite little and younger than most patients presenting this way. Long story short, we can rule out congestive heart failure."

"Oh, Thank God." Mary's eyes closed, leaning into her husband as Matthew let out a loud sigh of relief.

"That's a good thing." Dr. Ward confirmed, opening Olivia's chart on the table, but not picking it up. "The next issue is the fever. That's bad news, but also a bit of good news. It gives us some new direction, unfortunately it isn't going anywhere, not going away easily and brought our attention to another major issue. Olivia has bacterial pneumonia."

"Okay." Matthew shifted uncomfortably, exchanging a worrying look with Mary. "So, she just needs an antibiotic?"

"I wish it were that easy, but in this case it is not. The fluid around Olivia's heart looks as if it has increased and the diuretics, we prescribed to treat it have not resolved much of it at all." Dr. Ward held up an image of Olivia's chest, where the fluid was placing pressure on her. "The fluid tested positive for infection, but since she's not losing enough of it and it's causing breathing issues, I would like to remove the fluid. That leaves us two options, to open her up and remove it or take her to surgery to put a chest tube in. I would like us to go with the chest tube. Olivia is quite small and runs the risk of further damage to her heart. The tube would allow us to get the fluid out and then address her heart."

"So, it's not just pneumonia causing all of this?" Mary frowned.

"What is wrong with her heart?" Matthew shook his head, showing his frustration.

"Olivia has a defect in one of the valves, possibly made worse by the pressure of the fluid." Dr. Ward clasped his hands together. "Chances are the defect was there, but quite small and never would have shown up on a basic scan performed on her as a preemie. It wasn't until Olivia developed the fluid that we knew it was there. Now, it's more substantial and will need to be corrected with open heart surgery."

"What?" Mary gasped, her eyes beginning to sting. "I…"

"You want to cut her open and…" Matthew stood.

"Let me go over the process and explain a few things. This is scary. I know it's a lot to hear, but if we do this right, we could help Olivia." Dr. Ward put his hand up. "First, let me explain why we are here now. Olivia was most likely born with the valve problem, but I truly believe the pneumonia is the reason why we found it. We don't know if she would have gotten sick in the future and to what extent."

"But she didn't even have a fever until earlier." Mary reminded him, tears streaming down her face.

"Babies are resilient. They often have energy through being sick and are playful and she can't tell you when she feels something coming on." Dr. Ward explained. "Olivia's heart is likely what made bacterial infection symptoms start stronger. Normally you likely wouldn't have taken her into a doctor until the fever."

"When can she eat?" Matthew interrupted the doctor.

"When we know the tube is working, we can put her on a clear fluids diet." Dr. Ward replied, and reached for the pacifier on the table. "You can even give her this back, seeing as she'll be able to breathe better."

"And when will the surgery to put the tube in start?" Mary asked as Matthew ran a hand through his messy hair.

"I want to bring her fever down by tonight and if we get it down, we'll do the surgery first thing in the morning." Dr. Ward replied confidently. "Then we will also allow her to be awake more. Right now, we have been keeping her sedated, because her heart is working too hard."

"And her heart surgery?" Matthew asked.

"We can discuss that once the infection is gone." Dr. Ward answered and Mary wondered just how safe this was for Olivia. "Then I would like to go in and remove the tube in a second surgery then for Olivia to have most of her strength back. We have to get her body prepared to be able to handle a long heart surgery. It will be at least nine hours if successful."

"So, we're going to be in the hospital for a while." Mary said, almost as if she was reminding herself.

"With Olivia's heart having worsened, it would be a huge risk to remove her from this building." Dr. Ward's voice was gently, yet honest. "I know this happened fast. In children it often does. Olivia is quite young, if we can get her through the surgeries, her recovery will be long, but she will seem like her old self in no time. Once we get through, he surgeries, we can discuss just how long she needs to be here."

"Okay." Mary swallowed as the doctor's phone went off and he looked at it, his eyes filling with worry.

"I can talk about this more later, but I need to take this." Dr. Ward frowned, shaking his head. "Let's take this one step at a time. I will up her medicines to reduce the fever. We started her on one antibiotic already, so I am confident we can do the tube tomorrow. We will talk before I leave here tonight."

"Thank you, Dr. Ward." Matthew sighed as the doctor left the room in a rush. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before he spoke. "So, we have an answer. Two answers."

"I don't know if I am relieved or terrified." Mary spoke, wiping at her eyes.

"Both." Matthew leaned over, pressing a kiss to Olivia's forehead, their baby remaining unresponsive as she was heavily drugged to help her body heal. "But, he's right. We have to take this step by step. Let's wish and pray for the fever to go down, tell our families what we need to happen. She has a team of people who love her, who want the best for her."

"This all just feels like a bad dream." Mary felt the urge to cry harder, but she couldn't. She was exhausted, but she couldn't stop staring at her little girl. She was scared to look away as if something might snatch her away. Dr. Ward had made the bacterial pneumonia seem as if it was saving her life, when in reality she was fighting two big things at once. She wasn't sure how it could be perceived as good news right now, but she was willing to follow along. To trust him. She didn't know who else she could trust right now, that could also save her child. Olivia was sick. Not just with an infection. Her heart was damaged and Mary was having a tough time seeing their way out of this. She knew Matthew was too. Maybe it was the fact that she had spent so much time in her short life at a hospital already. The first two months of her life and now she was back before she even turned a year old. Would she see her first birthday from outside the walls of this hospital? She didn't know, but Matthew was right. They had to take this issue by issue.


	11. When we are whole again

The three most important ladies in Matthew's life were sitting right there in front of him, another was getting coffee in the hospital cafeteria. Mary and Isobel were sitting on the hospital bed with Olivia resting on Mary's lap as Isobel tried to feed Olivia some crushed ice. Olivia had woken up from the procedure of having a tube placed in her chest several hours ago and was only being introduced to clear fluids until the doctors ruled that she could have something heavier. He wasn't sure if he was happy, relieved or felt terrible that after not eating for a few days, she was only allowed to have things that would barely meet anyone's hunger. The procedure had been a success, but Olivia was tired and curious about the thin tubes coming out of her body. She would point to it occasionally, looking up at them worried until they distracted her. Right now, shaved ice was that distraction. Matthew was grateful for the moments that Olivia was sidetracked from being antsy, cranky or crying tears of irritation. Putting aside how weighed down in fear he and his wife were, Olivia's frustration was heartbreaking. She didn't understand why this was happening, but tried her best to still be the happy little girl they loved so much.

Then there was her family. The room was already filled with balloons, cards, gifts and flowers. Anna, Bates and Tom had come by the night before to visit and drop some stuff off from the people that loved Olivia. Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes had held Mary's hand while they waited for him to return from taking Olivia to surgery. Robert, Isobel and Cora waited too. Thomas came by, bringing them tea, coffee and snacks. Tom had driven Mary's grandmother over the night before, letting her sit with Olivia and hold her hand. He even thought he may have caught her praying, as she closed her eyes and held on to Olivia's tiny fingers. Shortly after she let go, the nurse checked Olivia's temperature. It had started to lower, just as they hoped for. One parent had been allowed to go back with her until she was asleep for the procedure and they had decided that it would be Matthew. When he returned, he was grateful to find his wife's support system, grateful when they wrapped their arms around him. It had been hell. He had no idea how they would do this at least twice more. Once more to have the drain tube removed, one more when they would take her back and perform heart surgery. While he was grateful today's procedure had gone smoothly, he was constantly reminded that Olivia had a long road. Her pneumonia wasn't gone and her fever had returned an hour ago. It was expected. She was fighting off an infection, but it had been nice that it held off long enough to have the procedure that they needed to have done.

He let go of his thoughts for a moment when he saw Olivia Katherine Crawley smile, her few teeth showing as her grandmother teased her with the spoon.

"Ba." Olivia grinned, as she held the pacifier up for her grandmother. Matthew had been relieved that Olivia had enough pressure off of her chest for the doctors to let her have it back, but it wasn't nearly enough.

"Oh no! I don't want that." Isobel giggled, dipping the small spoon into the paper bowl, before taking a bit of ice and holding it up to Olivia. The little opened her mouth, before closing her lips around the spoon and her eyes went wide. "Is that cold darling?"

"Tell her it's cold." Mary giggled, pressing a kiss to Olivia's bed head of hair. The hospital insisted Olivia stay unclothed, only able to be wrapped in a blanket from the back until they felt it was okay.

"Co!" Olivia opened her mouth, before letting out a big yawn.

"No Yawning." Isobel lightly swatted at Olivia's foot, causing Olivia to let out a tired giggle. "No yawning. No sleeping."

"No!" Olivia smiled, lightly kicking her foot to urge Isobel to do it again.

"No sleeping!" Isobel teased, before feeding her another bite of ice. This time Olivia turned her head, refusing the plain snack.

"No…" OIivia groaned and Mary's head fell. They knew Olivia's appetite hadn't returned, but they had hoped that she would take the ice. Luckily, she was still taking her bottle of water that they had given her. Soon, the doctors assured them that she could have transparent juice and hopefully she would be approved for juice. "Please."

"No." Olivia shook her head back and forth.

"You taught her to finally say 'no' and mean it." Matthew couldn't help but chuckle, watching as Olivia observed the room before smiling. He loved that little grin, the one where her eyes almost closed and her tiny teeth showed.

"Ba." Olivia reached for her pacifier, holding it up proudly before using all her might to stuff it in her mouth.

"I believe she'd be happier if she could at least have some soup, but I suppose they want to wait to make sure they won't have to rush back into the operating room." Isobel sighed, sitting the crushed ice on a nearby table.

"They said once they are sure that the drain is working, we'll her diet." Mary ran her hand over Olivia's hair, before pressing another one of many kisses to her dark hair. "I imagine she'd prefer it too."

"Well, they can't possibly want to wait until the heart surgery." Isobel looked over at Matthew. "She's already lost weight and she's a small little poppet."

"Dr. Ward is going to evaluate the fluid lost this evening to see where we are." Matthew rocked in the chair, crossing his leg over his other one. "He said the goal is for it to be able to be removed in one to two days. Any longer means the infection is getting worse, so we have to hope she loses enough of the fluid."

"Why can't they just suck it out or drain it faster?" Mary asked, sounding agitated already by being in the hospital.

"If they remove it too fast, the pressure off of her heart would likely be a shock." Isobel leaned forward, placing a hand over Mary's. "They're doing the right thing, Dear. I know this is scary, but we will get Olivia through this."

"I know…" Mary looked down, before reaching for her phone as Olivia noticed the two tubes coming out of her skin. Her tiny fingers circled around the incision. "Liv. No."

"Oh….ba…dah bo…" Olivia spoke through the pacifier, looking down at spot, her finger still lingering.

"Olivia, don't touch." Matthew sighed, standing up from the chair as Isobel quickly moved Olivia's hands, trying to distract her with a toy phone on the bed. He knew that this wouldn't work, keeping it uncovered. However, the doctor's insisted it remain out.

"Olivia, Dear." Isobel held up the phone, hitting the button that made a delightful and cartoonish ringing sound. Matthew sat back down with relief. "Who is on the phone?"

"Da!" Olivia smiled as she held the phone to her ear, babbling through the plastic in her mouth. "Da Da….Da…"

"Hi Squeaks." Matthew grabbed his phone, holding it to his ear. He couldn't help but laugh as she babbled on, before losing grip of the phone and it fell to her lap. When she looked down, she noticed the tubes again, her fingers finding the part of her skin where they exited. "Olivia Katherine. No."

"Matthew…she doesn't know." Mary groaned. His wife was exhausted. This had already been a stressful time for them and then on top of it, now their little girl was in a fight for her life. Even if she was playful now, this fight wasn't even close to over. "Just…be patient."

"I am." Matthew shook his head, looking at his mother and shrugging.

"Cora and I were thinking one night, maybe tonight, she and I could help stay with Olivia while you two go and get some sleep." Isobel interjected quickly to Matthew's relief. He knew they wouldn't fight, but they were tired and this hadn't been easy. "You two have been through so much, especially in the last few weeks. You need to take care of yourselves or you're no good for Olivia."

"I can't leave her right now." Mary frowned as Olivia played with her mother's fingers. "Not until we get the fluid down. Maybe while we wait for the Pneumonia to pass, but I don't know."

"It's just something to think about." Isobel shrugged, leaning forward to kiss Olivia's cheek. Olivia smiled, placing her hand on Matthew's mother's face.

"Non….ie!" Olivia smiled, her pacifier falling from her lips. Her fingers then moved to point to her tubes. She then frowned and kicked her legs, tossing her body back against Mary's abdomen and bursting into tears.

"Olivia…" Mary reached for her little girl, lifting her up to her lap again and being careful not to hurt the incisions.

"I hate this." Matthew groaned, biting the inside of his cheek to avoid showing too much emotion. He didn't want to scare Olivia who was probably scared enough. A lot of doctors, machines and problems with her small body on top of not feeling well.

"It might be time for more pain medication or to get her set up to sleep." Isobel sighed, reaching for the 'call' button on the bed. Matthew was grateful for his mother and Cora, who had dropped everything to help them. "I will run down and see if Cora wants to walk a bit while you guys get her down to sleep. She needs some normalcy and quiet. All of the extra people are a lot and once the nurse leaves, she should have her parents for a few. Cora and I will come in once she's sleeping."

"Thank you." Mary mouthed as Matthew got back up to hug his mother.

"Thank you, Mother." Matthew whispered over Olivia's cries and the nurse coming in.

"Of course." Isobel smiled, before walking the door to greet the nurse they had gotten to know quite well. "Hello Lucy."

"Isobel! So good to see you!" Lucy, a young blonde who worked the long shift and had gotten to care for Olivia each day since she had been in, was getting comfortable with the family.

"Olivia, why are you so sad?" Lucy asked, washing her hands before walking over to get a pair of sterile gloves. "How long has she been upset?"

"Only for a few minutes." Mary looked up at Matthew, smiling weakly as to let him know she didn't mean to be upset. He smiled to let her know the same on his side.

"Olivia, can you show me your 'owie.?" Lucy pointed to the same spot that Olivia had the tubes, on her own body.

"She doesn't quite understand 'owie.'" Matthew chuckled, as Olivia calmed down, her tears streaming down her face as she excited the pacifier Mary gave her.

"That's okay." Lucy reached for the digital thermometer, waiving it over her forehead before sighing and placing it back in her pocket. "We just want to teach her, so that she associates that word with the area's where she has incisions. It will help her tell us when and where she's hurting."

"Good idea." Mary shrugged. "She's also discovered the tubes. We've been trying to get her to leave it alone."

"It's normal that she be curious, but yes, lets try our hardest to keep her hands off of it." Lucy replied, reaching for a blood pressure cuff. "It's hard, because they're so curious and we can't cover it at the moment."

"How was her temperature." Matthew asked, wanting to know where the progress was.

"A little high, but she's due for pain medicine. Soon that will help it go down and she'll sleep." Lucy replied, as Olivia screamed. "Blood Pressure is a little low, but that can happen post-surgery. I'll still update the doctor to let him know where she is. Has the pediatrician been in yet today?"

"Not today." Matthew replied, moving to the chair closest to Mary and Olivia. Olivia quickly calmed as Mary cuddled her close, rocking lightly in the bed. "Is everything okay? Other than the heart and pneumonia."

"She just noted that she was going to keep checking her lungs. It's normal that they do that with pneumonia. She probably just wants to make sure there isn't any damage."

"Olivia, where is your nose?" Lucy clapped. Matthew and Mary exchanged smiles when Olivia still dropped tears, but used her tiny finger to point to her nose.

"And where is your 'owie'? Lucy asked, reaching for her chart.

"No!" Olivia clapped, before grabbing her ear.

"No, Silly!" Lucy laughed, squeezing Olivia's toe gently. "You're so silly!"

"Ba." Olivia smiled, leaning lazily into Mary.

"She'll learn it soon." Lucy laughed as she tossed her gloves into the trash and made her way to the door. "I will get her medication and a warm blanket for the waist down. I will also ask Dr. Ward when we can give her some chicken broth or a popsicle. I am sure she's also a little cranky, because she hasn't eaten in a few days."

"I probably would be too." Matthew laughed nervously as the door opened. "Thank you, Lucy.

"Thank you, Lucy." Mary smiled, letting out a deep breath. She reached for Olivia's small hand and held it up. "Say 'bye' to Lucy."

"Bah…" Olivia said around her pacifier, before stretching to look back at Mary when the door closed. "Doh…"

"My mother is right, you know?" Matthew stated, but also asked as he watched her try to shift Olivia to get more comfortable. When Mary looked up, he kept speaking. "We've had a tough few weeks. This is a lot."

"It is." Mary breathed. "But we can't think about it being tough right now. I…I need to be able to focus on her. She has to be first."

"I agree." Matthew nodded, the one time he understood fully that she would push what she needed to the side. He had done the same thing. "I just…I love you."

"I love you too." Mary smiled, nodding at him as Olivia began to cry again, her eyes pulled away from him as she tried to tend to Olivia. "Baby girl…."

Matthew watched his magical wife as she put herself aside again, kissing Olivia's cheek as she tried to sooth the little girl that had just gotten out of surgery a few hours ago. She was doing well despite being uncomfortable, but when she cried and got upset, it made sense. Olivia was going through something difficult, which meant they were too. She was their number one concern in what was the scariest time of their lives. He hoped that one day, they would put this behind themselves. It seemed impossible to think of this going away right now. The pneumonia was still wreaking havoc on her body, but all they could do was wait out a fever to move on to the next step. Now, they had gotten beyond that step, in a very large mountain. He was filled with hope, but weighed down by the fear that they wouldn't get through this completely whole. Right now, it seemed like this would break them. He and his wife would be fine, but this would change them and he wasn't sure it would be for the better. He wouldn't be sure until Olivia was healthy again.


	12. Hate Me for This Too

Mary rubbed her chest anxiously as she watched Olivia's chest rise and fall. Watching her child breathe had become her favorite and most despised thing to do. Her favorite, because she was so filled with love and convinced that Olivia was magical. Then she hated it, because she felt like Olivia shouldn't have to fight so hard for it. Olivia wasn't even a year old. She likely wouldn't remember this experience, but Mary and Matthew would. No matter the outcome, it would haunt them likely forever. Olivia had gotten out of surgery hours ago to have her drainage tube removed. It had been the first bit of really good news in the days since they made their way to the hospital. She had been without a fever for 12 hours and enough of the fluid had drained out to believe that the medicine was now working enough to resolve any remaining amount. The doctors still remained cautious. Olivia was in no way ready to have open heart surgery. The pneumonia was still wreaking havoc on her small body, but the tube simply couldn't be left in any longer. It would have been too risky to leave it there. So, the fever holding off long enough for them to remove the tubes, had been a huge step. Now, she was sitting in the hospital bed with a sleepy baby who was coming off of all of the anesthesia. She wasn't fussy to Mary's relief, just cuddly and happy to be watching Tangled. Prior to their hospital stay, they had avoided Olivia watching too much television or movies. Now, they were a life saver and Mary was certain that she knew Finding Nemo, Tangled and Frozen by heart. Mary wouldn't change it for the world, Olivia loved it and they made her smile. The moment her mother had seen Olivia smile from watching Nemo, Cora had ordered all of the major characters from all three movies in stuffed or doll form and rushed them to the hospital. Olivia was spoiled, but more importantly she was in love.

"Pa!" Olivia tiredly pointed up at the television on the wall, her pacifier lazily hanging out of the corner of her mouth.

"Pascal, that's right." Mary stroked Olivia's dark hair as the little one pointed up at the screen. Mary reached between them to find the green chameleon stuffed animal and sat it on Olivia's lap. "We're going to have to ask your Daddy to take us to Disney when you're big enough."

"Pa." Olivia pointed to the stuffed animal. Mary watched as Olivia turned her attention back to the movie, her eyes heavy. The doctors had been in and out today, explaining a few things that would have to happen. One was the need for a blood transfusion. Mary wasn't going to pretend to fully understand why, even if they had explained it in depth. Then the nurse who came in to ask some questions before they did it had asked Mary some questions she couldn't answer. She had answered questions regarding herself and then the nurse had asked questions about Olivia's father, looking at Matthew who shifted uncomfortably before explaining that he was not Olivia's biological father. The nurse assured them that the information wasn't required and wouldn't change a thing. The nurse explained it helped them make a few decisions up front, but that they could go about those without knowing genetic details of Carlisle. Now, Matthew was having lunch with his mother and Tom in the cafeteria and she found herself worrying that it had hurt him. They knew there would be moments in life when they were faced with the reality, but they hadn't considered that it would happen as their daughter fought for her life. Now, she was drifting off, cuddled close to Mary.

The truth was, Olivia was having more downs, than she was ups. It was rare that she was up laughing, playing or talking to them. She was sleeping a lot and all of the medications constantly gave her a tough time. Sometimes she tested them, until she was too tired to fight them on anything. At times, it didn't seem like Olivia, but they were reminded that she was simply reacting to the situation presented to her, the best way she knew how. None of them understood this and she wasn't sure they ever would. She knew this was draining them mentally. Matthew and Mary were going to be there for Olivia. They weren't in a position to leave her side, because things had been so serious and were still fluctuating. So, they had agreed for now, one of them would always be at the hospital with her. It meant that they were tied to the hospital, but she would do it for Olivia. She loved Olivia far more than she loved herself. Olivia's comfort came first. She looked down and smiled as Olivia's eyes blinked open again and showed she was fighting sleep. She was perfect. "Are you sleeping, Livvy?"

"Ba." Olivia blinked, one hand resting on her green hospital gown, her other clutching her stuffed toy.

"It's already in your mouth baby girl." Mary sighed, tapping the edge of the plastic. She reached for the blanket that had been on Olivia earlier, before she had screamed and cried and Mary found herself taking it off of her. As she covered Olivia's feet, the door opened and Matthew walked in. "Hello."

"Hi." Matthew shut the door lightly, before coming over to the bed and leaning over to kiss Olivia's forehead and then walking over to a chair against the wall. "Have you changed her diaper at all?"

"She hasn't needed it." Mary answered, taking the pacifier that Olivia offered her, holding it as she knew Olivia would want it right back. "They said its normal after the anesthesia, for her to not need a change for a bit."

"Alright." Matthew replied, pulling his phone out and leaning back.

"Matthew." Mary looked over at him noticing his body language displayed him to be stiff and uptight. "They asked about Carlisle."

"I heard." Matthew kept his eyes on his phone.

"You're her father." Mary felt the need to remind him, more then assure him as if she could tell it had hurt him. "He's…I consider you the only real father she has." Ma

"I know." Matthew looked up, but quickly returned to whatever was more interesting on his screen.

"Then why did you kiss Olivia and not me?" Mary asked, wondering if he had done it intentionally or just out of the exhaustion they shared.

"You think you should call him." Matthew stated and Mary felt something in her stomach twist. "Your face said it all, for the rest of the conversation. You thought about if you needed to tell him."

"I don't want to tell him, but for a moment it just made me wonder if we did the right thing for Olivia." She confessed, looking down at her hands. "Did Papa make that deal for me, considering that Olivia was going to pay a price too?"

"You can't be serious right now." Matthew clenched his teeth, uncrossing his legs, but keeping his voice low.

"I don't want him in my life and I don't want him in hers, but if she…if something happens have, we done right by Olivia?" Mary's eyes went wide as they burned and she shifted Olivia on the bed. "I mean, he is terrible. He's awful, but what happens when Olivia gets older and…"

"We aren't talking about this." Matthew shot up, moving his hands to his waist. "He nearly killed you with Olivia already in existence. He could have killed the both of you."

"I know, Matthew." Mary tried to keep her voice low. She sometimes wondered if her family questioned her understanding of what took place in her previous marriage, often it seemed they forgot that she lived it. "I am not saying I 'want' him in her life. I just wonder if we are doing the right thing in terms of Olivia. When she gets older and looks back on this, will she resent this whole deal that my father made? Will she understand why it was done?"

"She's too young to understand what is going on now." Matthew said, his voice a little bit louder and Olivia looked up at him. "My God Mary, if you regret anything maybe you should just say it."

"Say what?" Mary couldn't believe he so angry right now. "I don't want him here and I don't want him around her. I am afraid him ever being in the same vicinity as her, but I also wonder if this was the right thing. Am I right to be that afraid? Maybe it's just me…"

"Well, you let me know what you decide and I'll be here." Matthew groaned, sitting back down. "But if he dares to try to come for custody of her, I'll make him wish he was dead."

"Oh Matthew." Mary groaned, shaking her head. "You can't believe for a moment that I want anyone else in your place."

"I think he still controls you, because you let him." Matthew argued.

"I knew the moment they asked about her father, you would get worked up." Mary sighed, running her hand over her face, feeling too tired to really argue about this right now. "I don't want him here. How many times can I tell you? I need you to support me when I worry about this stuff, not get angry with me. You're her father. Blood or not, you're the only one who I actively consider to be her father. I was just worried that one day when she's going through a phase of always hating me, she may hate me for this too. It wasn't an attack on you, Matthew."

"Gotcha." Matthew turned his phone screen back on, sitting back and starting at it intently. Mary looked up for a moment, not even sure what she had done wrong. She didn't want that terrible man around, but she wasn't heartless to think about this and Matthew was acting angrier than she was used to seeing him. She knew how much he loved Olivia and the last thing Mary could ever do, was try to hurt him with that. She had brought it up as an admission that the whole situation was uncomfortable and an observation that he already seemed mad at her for something she couldn't control. She just felt she should have been honest and wondered if they were doing the right thing and he had gotten upset. She truly did wonder if keeping Olivia from him was the best idea, she wanted to know that it was the right thing. Was this a decision that would withstand Olivia's adult life too? Or worse, if Olivia did not make it through this, would they regret this decision? She just felt lost and now she felt like she had ruined everything. Just by her admission in a moment of pain. She was tired, but she didn't think she was wrong to run this by him. She just had so much running through her mind and now there was this.


	13. Pick You Up

Mary was filled with regret about sharing her concerns regarding Carlisle. It didn't take long for Matthew to voice his concerns to her father when he and Cora and Edith came to visit Olivia. Quickly after he went off on her in the hospital room. Now, he was telling her how stupid her thought process was as she sat in a chair and took it, grateful that Olivia was sleeping like a rock during the exchange. They were willed with relief as Olivia's latest tests and symptoms finally showed that her Pneumonia had turned a corner and finally showed a sign of improvement. Unfortunately, her heart was doing worse. After the weight of the fluid had been removed, it was clear the damage had been bad. The surgery needed to be done soon, but she had to be recovered from Pneumonia before they could even start discussing it. So, she was grateful, that Olivia's pneumonia was on the mend, but her own heart ached to know that Olivia was doing so poorly when it came down to it. She hadn't slept much, but she'd do it all again for her baby. She'd sit for hours in a hospital, holding her little hand. She'd weigh every option in her life right now, wondering what was the right thing to do and she'd stay awake, to watch her breathe. Everything was tense right now. With her family, with Matthew and she didn't care. She would do anything for Olivia. Not that she wanted Richard near her daughter. She didn't. She wanted him as far as he could possibly be, but then she wondered what Olivia would think if she had the chance to grow up to be an opinionated teenager. Would she find a way to blame Mary for this? Would she want to know another side of her family? It had been a long time since the thought even crossed her mind, but now she was half listening to her father try his hardest not to yell while yelling directly at her and wondering if Olivia would ever ask her, if her father knew she was sick. Mary was never sure, that she was prepared for the moment that she would have to explain Carlisle to her daughter. Still, she wished she would have kept those thoughts to herself.

"Honestly, Mary. I never thought you would be this irresponsible with Olivia's well-being." Richard raised his voice, before looking over at Olivia and taking a deep breath. "And do you realize what this would have done to the contract and restraining order? Do you?"

"I wasn't thinking about that." Mary sighed, rubbing her temples.

"Well that's quite clear." Matthew rebutted from the chair against the wall, next to Cora who was eying Robert closely.

"You weren't thinking and you nearly put you and my grandchild at risk!" Robert raised his voice as Cora stepped up, reaching for his hand.

"Robert, do not talk loudly. Olivia is sleeping and if you insist on berating your daughter, keep it down." Cora warned.

"What is going on, Mary? Why are you being so reckless?" Robert snapped, looking at his granddaughter.

"I didn't take any action; I simply voiced my fears." Mary felt her voice shaking a bit, as she held Olivia's small hand. Her little girl was sleeping through all of this and she was grateful. "And I don't want him in my life, but I posed a question if…"

"You posed a stupid question." Robert snapped again. "Don't you realize if you contact him, you null and void the entire contract?"

"I didn't act on it, Papa!" Mary pulled her hand away from Oliva's and stood up. "My God."

"Papa…" Edith interjected, and everyone's eyes were on her and she stepped forward. "Mary was simply questioning if she was doing the right thing for Olivia and as her aunt, I can't blame Mary. She's sitting by Olivia's bedside and faced with questions and answers she hasn't had to consider and yelling at her isn't going to help."

"Edith…" Mary felt her stomach twist, surprised to find her middle sister, youngest living sister speak up.

"It's true. She hasn't acted on it and I don't want him around Olivia, but I trust Mary. She knows Matthew is Olivia's father, but to worry when faced with the chance she could lose her child well…give her a break." Edith groaned, stepping forward. "I know Mary and I are polar opposites, but we're sisters. We share a common interest of what is best for Olivia and if Mary is plagued with doubt over this, we should be supporting her in her concerns. She told you she hasn't acted on it and I don't believe she would put the contract that protects her and Olivia at risk. I do believe she has a right to question what is right and share her concerns with her family. What is happening now, isn't any better than what she experienced in her first marriage. The attack on her sharing her own thoughts."

"I'm afraid I side with Edith on this." Cora spoke softly, walking over to her oldest daughter. "Mary doesn't love you any less Matthew, just because she's questioned this and we also have to remember that we took the initiative to get Mary out of a terrible situation. We've controlled everything, which means when she has questions or fears, we have to support her."

"Even if it's completely mad?" Matthew growled and Mary noticed the dark circles in his eyes for the first time since they had been at the hospital. "Even if it's insane?"

"Yes, because you're her husband." Cora nodded confidently. "She doesn't want to hurt you."

"I don't Matthew. You're the only real father she has in every sense of the word." Mary said, her body exhausted.

"I haven't accused you of hurting me." Matthew ran a hand over his face. "I'm not sure what you want me to say. I won't support of sign off on her meeting him."

"Nor will I." Robert said harshly, standing next to Matthew and turning to Mary. "So, there you have it."

"Oh My God. It's not as if she was ready to set Olivia up in the pram and stroll her way to London up to his publication office." Edith groaned, moving to sit where Mary was sitting.

"Thank you, Edith." Mary couldn't believe her ears, as she had never heard Edith defend her so strongly. Not in their entire lives. "I don't want her to meet him, but I promise I will keep any further fears to myself for the duration of our marriage."

"Okay, everyone needs to just take a step back." Cora put her hands up in front of her. "You're all attacking Mary over a question and Edith is right. There is place for this in front of Olivia, asleep or not. Mary shared her concerns and also made it clear she doesn't want him around, just that she simply questioned if we were doing the right thing. As a mother, I have constantly wrestled with that. Matthew?"

"What?" Matthew sighed deeply, almost as if he was humoring Cora. Mary had never seen Matthew look this mad, even in the past. She was sure he had never been this upset in his life, but she couldn't focus on that, as her fingers rubbed over her chest fiercely and she felt her cheeks get hot.

"I won't get too involved in marital arguments, but since the deal itself was created without Mary's involvement while she fought for her life in a hospital, I assume you would want to guide her to why it is the right thing and not attack her for her fears." Cora said calmly, looking back to Mary. "Hold her hand when she has fears about her choices as a mother, don't make her feel as if what she thought was wrong."

"I do plan to guide Mary, but I don't understand her consideration of this." Matthew sighed.

"I am not considering anything." Mary groaned, her eyes filling with tears as she leaned against the wall. "Matthew, we have papers we have to go over that require us to make a decision if Olivia's surgery fails or she doesn't wake up. We have to make a choice of how hard we want them to work before they throw their hands up and let her die! She's a month and a half short of her first birthday and instead of chasing her around, we're watching monitor's and fighting for moments when she's awake and not crying, because the doctors don't want her heart rate up too high and she needs rest. Why can't I rethink every decision in her short life thus far! The truth is...the truth…. I can't let her die."

"Mary…" Cora's eyes went wide as she knelt down to her daughter and Mary felt Matthew rush across the room as she collapsed against the wall, sobbing.

"Mary, breathe." Edith and Matthew got down on the floor next to Cora as Robert came over. "Nobody is just going to let her die. I won't let them…we won't let them."

"Mary, I'm sorry." Matthew put her hand on her back, but Mary felt herself push it off of her. She didn't want him to touch her, not right now. She knew she'd feel bad about that later, but right now the room was too small for her to concede to his touch.

"Okay, Matthew…take Mary home tonight." Cora brushed Mary's hair back as she shoved Cora's hand away. "The both of you have barely slept since Olivia was first brought to the hospital."

"I can drive them back since Tom brought Matthew back last time." Edith stood, brushing her skirt.

"No." Mary cried, shaking her head. "I won't leave Olivia."

"You will. Just tonight." Cora insisted. "I will stay with her tonight, Robert if you would like to stay with me you can. When she wakes up, I will make sure she's cuddled down with love and attention."

"Are you sure?" Matthew asked as Mary finally allowed him to help her up from the cold, hard floor.

"I won't leave her." Mary shook her head, standing defiantly as Matthew tried to help steady her.

"Mary…" Cora stepped over, and took her hands. "You have had a miscarriage and been sitting in a hospital with your child who is very sick and you need to take time to be with just your husband or you two are no use to Olivia. You two are splitting at the seams, because you haven't properly dealt with all of this. As a mother, I understand your need to be here with Oliva, but I also know you. I know you two need to get some sleep and be with each other. I will keep you posted if anything changes and we will speak with the doctors to let them know to call you immediately if something urgent happens. Olivia will be fine tonight, you will not if you don't get some rest. Same goes to you Matthew. I've never seen you like this."

"I believe Cora may be right about this." Robert sighed, stepping forward a look of sadness splitting over his face. "Mary, I can't pretend to understand your reasoning, but I do understand being a parent. That should have been enough for me to lay off. I would do anything for my daughters and for Olivia. Some may say I have. However, tonight your mother and I will care for Olivia. It's not different then the nights she's spent at our home without you, it will just be here in the hospital."

"I don't want to be without her." Mary wiped at her face again, feeling the moisture along her cheeks as Matthew reached for her purse.

"Mary, we need this. We're exhausted." Matthew conceded, moving his hand to her back.

"Please, Mary." Edith said softly, before walking over to squeeze Olivia's hand as she slept soundly, holding a stuffed Olaf snowman from Frozen in her other hand. "The doctor's said she was stable and you could use a night of sleep and a meal or two out of the hospital."

"I want you to sleep first, then talk." Cora insisted, pressing her lips to Mary's forehead, before hugging Matthew. "Kiss your little angel goodnight and be on your way. She's in good hands."

"Mama…" Mary cried, realizing Cora wasn't going to back down. She stepped forward, leaning over to kiss Olivia as she slept, her eyes closing as she felt a hand on her back. She knew his touch. She knew she needed him and she knew her mother was right. They needed each other right now, even if she felt like she was on this ride alone sometimes. Matthew hadn't done anything wrong when it came to Olivia, but had hadn't supported her. He hadn't been there when she had miscarried and she wasn't mad. She wasn't sure what she was, but as their perfect baby slept in the hospital bed as if she was safe and didn't have a care in the world, Mary knew she and Matthew needed time together. To get a grip on this world that felt sometimes as if it was crashing down on them.


	14. Tired from the Pain and the Agony

The last month or two of their lives had been crazy. Matthew wasn't even sure he could sit down and pinpoint the exact day that things got crazy. It started with them finding out Mary was pregnant, then they had lost the baby. Then they just kind of moved on with their lives. Losing the baby was something they just kind of skirted past, because it hurt. It wasn't like them to ignore an issue, but it had been hell on Mary and it had broken both of their hearts, Then, hell actually broke loose. Their worst nightmare came in the form of their daughter fighting for her life. It had happened so quickly and painfully. Awaking them from their sleep, to being in the hospital to hearing words they never thought they would hear. Olivia was struggling and speedbumps kept hitting. He had never expected he would be praying for the day that his daughter had open heart surgery in hopes it meant that this nightmare could soon be over. It would mean she was closer to getting better and that she could be home. At the moment, he was sitting in his office, staring at work emails from people who were operating without him, but still kept him in the loop. He probably should be alone with his wife, but right now he was hiding out. After Edith and Cora had broken things down for them, he felt a bit as if he had overreacted. He hadn't thought about Mary's train of thought. He was as scared as she was, but all he had heard was Carlisle and during a time of devastation, it had set a fire of rage. Maybe it was the alarm of hearing his name and associating it with nearly losing the two people he loved the most or maybe it was a way of needing to shift blame somewhere. Blame someone for the situation that they were in. In reality, Edith had been right. It was up to him to support Mary. When it came down to it, Mary wouldn't have actually reached out to Carlisle, but she was scared and he failed a test as a husband. Things were so broken right now. It felt like the things they had wished for were being pulled away from them and Olivia was paying the price. Her life was in danger and he felt so angry. Not at Mary. Not at the doctors. Not even with himself. Maybe a little bit with himself, but mostly just at the universe. Olivia had been through hell. There was no other way to put it. She was tiny and had already experienced more surgeries, time in the hospital and tests than anyone should experience in childhood. Olivia was amazing, but she shouldn't be going through this. There were a million things she should be doing, but sitting in a hospital bed on heavy medication was not one of them.

Matthew took a deep breath, leaning back in the desk chair. This wasn't right. This wasn't the time for he and Mary to be struggling. Not when they needed each other the most. The worst thing he had done, was not take a deeper look at this this had impacted Mary. The pain of the miscarriage had gotten shoved to the side in the rush of tending to Olivia. It had happened to Mary too. Cora and Edith had taken control of a very unproductive argument and now he realized he needed to figure out how to reach out to his wife. She was right. The doctors had given them papers to determine what they would do in the even something went wrong and Olivia was not going to recover. It was what they would have to do should Olivia not wake up or became unresponsive to medical intervention. Dr. Ward had reminded them that while his hopes were very high, but given what Olivia had been through and how much she was still struggling ahead of a life risking surgery, it was a very real thing they needed to consider. When the doctor had given them the forms, it had taken his breath away. He had felt his knees almost buckle, but not once had he looked at his wife's face. He wouldn't have been able to handle it, so he had looked at the wall. She had asked the doctor a question and he for the life of him, couldn't remember what it was. He had tuned her out, because the question seemed impossible. They weren't going to give up on Olivia. Not a chance. He ran his hands through his hair, wondering where in the house his wife was. If she hadn't left him yet.

Matthew pushed himself out from the desk, sitting up from the leather chair as he heard his phone buzz from the charger. He unplugged it and saw a text from Cora, opening it up to find several pictures and a caption explaining that Olivia was awake, happily eating crackers, playing with her toys and wrapping her grandfather around her little finger. Even exhausted, he couldn't help but smile and was relieved to see that Mary was on the text too. Sometimes he looked at Olivia and forgot for a moment she was so sick, because when she was awake, she didn't behave as if she was ill. In her mind, this was just another day and she found the joy in moments where she had some extra energy, He smiled as he browsed the photos, once of Olivia holding a soggy cracker in one hand, her nose scrunched as she pointed at her grandmother's phone and he knew that Olivia was trying to con it from Cora. Not that Olivia was a phone child. She just wanted anything that someone else had. As much as seeing the pictures of Olivia made him want to rush back, he knew she was okay enough for him and Mary to get some sleep. They could talk later, but for now they needed sleep. When Edith and Cora brought up everything Mary had been through, he felt like an ass. Maybe the exhaustion had made it worse, but Mary had experienced enough trauma and then she had experienced the miscarriage. The miscarriage they had both cried over and then avoided talking about it. It wasn't even as if they had gotten the chance to get over the hurdle of talking about it, because then their attention had to turn to Olivia. With Olivia sick, it wasn't as if biologically the problem went away. Mary hadn't had a chance to fully process anything or heal in any fashion. He knew he could get past it with her, but if she wasn't well, they would struggle. She never put herself first, which sometimes meant they came last. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't working for them. So, he would find her and get her to bed and then maybe they would wake in a few hours and finally talk. He texted Cora and thanked her, then walked out of his office and went towards the kitchen. Mary wasn't there, but she had been. All of the bottles that had been on the drying rack to the left of the sink the night before they rushed to the hospital had been put away and her sweater was draped over the back of a barstool. The bananas that were Olivia's absolute favorite were gone too which meant they had gone bad and Mary had tossed them. He looked around, before seeing her legs curled up on the couch, part of the view visible from the kitchen. When he walked closer, his wife was asleep, her breath heavy. The weight of the world still resting on her body. It couldn't be comfortable and she couldn't find it easy to sleep. She deserved her bed, so he kneeled down and pressed a soft kiss against her cheek. She shifted, a light smile forming on her face as it usually did when he kissed her in her sleep. "Mary…let's go upstairs."

"Fine here…." She whispered, the strap of her camisole loose on her shoulder.

"I promise you'll be more comfortable." He whispered, brushing her hair out of her face as she slept. She looked as exhausted as he felt. "More comfortable than a hospital bed."

"And where will you sleep?" She asked, her eyes opening as he sat back.

"I…our bed." Matthew frowned, shaking his head quickly. "Where did you want me to sleep?"

"I just thought you were angry with me." Mary shifted, opening her eyes fully. "You've done quite a bit of yelling at me and I thought you might detest being too close to me."

"Mary." Matthew sighed, nudging her arm for her to sit up. When she did, he moved to sit right next to her. His wife was always thin and always seemed small to him, but he wondered when she had returned to the state of when he had first reunited with her at Downton just barely a few years before. "I was angry, but I don't think I was angry with you. I'm angry at a lot of things and what you said startled me, but I was wrong to direct my anger to you."

"Are you angry at the same things that I am?" Mary asked, staring ahead at the shelves and blank television in front of them. "Because sometimes I feel so angry, I don't know if I want to cry or yell."

"I'm sure most of our lists of grievances match at the moment." Matthew chuckled weakly, reaching for the beige Barefoot Dreams throw to put over her legs. "I don't want him in her life and I don't believe that we're making a mistake by sticking to the agreement, but more than anything I don't want to lose her. Or you."

"You're never going to lose us. We're yours just as you are ours." Mary whispered, looking down at her hands. Her body releasing a tired and struggling sigh. "Dr. Ward said we needed to discuss…or have a plan in the event that things go wrong. A request of agreed resuscitation plan."

"I don't want to think like that. She's not…I just want them to fix what's wrong so we can bring her back home." Matthew breathed, running a hand through his hair as he thought about the pictures of their little girl he had just received. Tonight, she looked almost normal to him, her little smile etched in his brain, along with the image of her almost lying lifeless in his arms. "If she's stable after the surgery, but it doesn't work, I want to pursue the other options. I want every single option explored to the fullest extent. Something will work."

"You mean start having them look into if she qualifies for a transplant? A new heart." Mary asked, looking up at him as she took a shaky breath, her hands nervously shaking. "If she's got even the slightest chance of that being an option and this first surgery fails then yes…we keep going. We give her every chance. Oh Matthew, we can't give up on her."

"That's a no brainer. Dr. Ward and his team said, if this surgery didn't work, then her heart would eventually fail, due to the lack of the repair. Possibly not long after the surgery, but that this surgery could also completely fix her problem if it was successful. There is only one option to me. Olivia getting healthy." Matthew nodded, knowing they were in agreement. "And if she reaches a point where the surgery didn't work or she…if…."

"Matthew." Mary burst into a sob without warning and his own chest let a choke escape, tears coming down his face as he wrapped his arms around his frail wife. They were breaking. "I don't want to think like this. I don't…why would Dr. Ward make us prepare for that possibility? That's like saying it will happen."

"Because this…damn it." Matthew cried, hiding his face in his wife's dark hair. "Because this is a very serious surgery with a lot of risks. Olivia…she's so small and she's fighting but…"

"I know." Mary cried, wrapping her arms around him, moving into his lap. "They said if the surgery worked, she would most likely live a normal life….so why…"

"Because they want us to prepare so we're not shocked." Matthew pulled his face away, wiping over his mouth. "Because we won't think clearly if that happens. It will be a hard…could be a harder situation."

"I don't want her to suffer." Mary admitted, looking at him with the most pain he had seen in her eyes and it hit like an arrow to his chest. "I want her with me all the time. I don't want to lose her. I've come so close a few times and…but if she's on machines and she won't live without all of them and she's not aware…I don't want to be selfish. I don't want her to feel like she has to hold on for me. I will die without her, but I don't stop her from peace. I couldn't…I don't want to let her go but those forms say…."

"I agree." Matthew felt the tears fall hesitantly as he wiped some from his wife's face. "We won't let that happen, but we're going to get her through this. It might still be hell, because this is hell now."

"I just want her home." Mary cried, leaning into his chest and her body shook. "I want her home and I want it to be the three of us and there should have been another one, but I can't lose her too. I can't lose you. I just need to be home with you two. We were supposed to be locked away from the world for a few days and that was taken from us. I want us to feel safe away from the world."

"We're going to spend at least a week locked away when we finally get her home." Matthew cleared his throat and took a deep breath, trying to clear the tears. It had felt like a relief to get some tears out, but he had to be able to think clearly. "She's coming home. We've made a discussion of what happens if…but she's coming home. We are going to bring Olivia home and she's going to be back to her normal self. We'll see to it. We are the ones who fight for her."

"And what about us? You're so angry with me." Mary asked, shifting away from him, but Matthew stopped her. He couldn't let her move, her face still wet with the tears that had fallen from her dark eyes. "What happens beyond the hospital?"

"I'm not angry now and I don't think I truly ever was angry with you. You just became the easiest one to direct it towards and I was wrong. Edith and Cora seemed to put things in a way I hadn't thought and now I feel as if I was being selfish. I was unfair." Matthew admitted, clutching her hip. "I didn't understand, but they put it in perspective and I should have supported you and just shared how I felt. We should have been able to discuss why I don't think it was the right thing to do without me getting mad at you."

"I think being angry at me is easier than being angry at something we don't understand." Mary's voice shook, although her tears were falling less quickly.

"You're right." He nodded, moving his finger to wipe her face again. He had been angry, but he wasn't sure at who. He had been filled with the urge to punch a wall or throw something, just at the thought of losing his baby girl. "But Mary, I am never going to be okay with the idea of him being around her. So, when I think about it, it's not easy. I know one day she'll be allowed to make that decision and I don't know that I can sit back and let her think I am okay with it. I know what he's capable of. He could have killed you. He controlled you. He robbed you of so much and nearly succeeded at taking your life. I don't doubt he would try the same with Olivia. Someone might be able to make a case for why he would be different with her, but I will never trust him."

"But what are we supposed to do, that's the one exception to this whole thing? If she decides when she's of age to see him…"

"We at some point are going to have to make it clear to her how we feel."

"But my parents had told me something was there, but bad for me and they didn't want me to do it…. I would have done it out of spite." Mary admitted, a light laugh escaping her lips.

"That's a bridge we can cross at the time, but let's try really hard to make her live a life where she doesn't need to know him." Matthew sighed, his stomach clenching at something that felt like a lifetime away. "I know if she decides, it doesn't mean we failed, but I won't ever be okay with it. Not because I feel insecure in my role as her father, but because I know he will hurt her. I saw what he did to you. I saw the bruises and the wounded mental state. You can't ever remove the images of the abuse from our minds and that is all I will see when I think of him meeting her."

"Me too." Mary admitted taking his hand. "I…that is how I feel too, but when all of this started to happen and we started facing the possibility of losing her, I just began rethinking everything. Had we done the right thing? Had I made a mistake in the way we handled things. Was the contract necessary. I am grateful and would do nothing to change my life with you and Olivia. I don't mean I regret getting away from him. I just started to question everything. It was as if it was easier to question if we were taking the right steps, then to focus on losing Olivia and then I felt guilt..."

"Mary, it doesn't matter." Matthew pulled her into his chest, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. "My job was to support you. We should support each other and I was acting cold, before you even said your concerns. My poor attitude began before that and I never should have acted the way I did. In the future, we will discuss things like this together. As a team."

"Even if she comes to us one day and wants to meet him." Mary looked up at him as he brushed her hair with his strong hands.

"I'll hold the door while you lock her in the bedroom." Matthew teased and Mary rolled her eyes. "But I think we should avoid talking about him too her. I think when she's still young, but old enough to understand we explain to her that biologically she has another father, but we explain that I am and will always be her real father. We explain adoption and what it means. She'll resent us if we don't tell her the truth and she discover it on her own."

"She will understand that an adoptive parent loves their child as much as their biological parent. Or loves them when a biological one can't." Matthew suggested, pressing another kiss, this time to the side of Mary's head. "She'll be the reason for my gray hairs and the child I've probably cried the most for."

"The most? You still want another one." Mary breathed, shaking her head. "We can't talk about that."

"Not now." Matthew nodded confidently. They had to take this one step at a time. Right now, Olivia was the first priority. "As much as I think Olivia would think a baby was her new toy, we can get to that when we get her settled back in with us."

"And we can talk about if having another baby is the right thing." Mary nodded and he knew she was full of fear that wouldn't go away easily. He was too.

"Yes, but I think we should go get some sleep first. We're exhausted, Olivia is with her grandparents and we need to shower, sleep and have some alone time." Matthew breathed, trying to convince himself that a night away from the most perfect little girl in the world was the right thing. "Your mother said we are not to return tomorrow until after noon. She said Olivia is happy."

"When I texted her, she told me she slept on Papa twice." Mary pushed herself off the couch, turning to face him and extending her hand. "No offense, I love spending time with you, but if we sleep, we get closer to seeing her."

"I'm glad you said that, because I feel the same way." He chuckled, his head full from all of the crying. They were going through hell right now. There was no way to sugar coat it. They had lost a baby, one that they had gotten excited about. It had never really felt real, because it was so new but that was enough hell for a life time. Then Olivia got sick and their world was broken. He knew it was good to be away from her, but after she spent all of her first months in the hospital and then she was back before the age of one, he just wanted this to end. He wanted his baby girl to be home with them. He wanted life back to normal, but for tonight he would enjoy curling up with his wife in his arms in the bed they shared. Thankfully he had changed the sheets the moment he got home, because they were exhausted. Tired from the hospital, tired from the worry, the pain and the agony. They were tired of a lot of things, but mostly he thought deep down he missed his wife and he just needed her right now.


	15. Not Quite That Mood

When Mary's eyes opened, it took her a moment to realize where she was. It was different than the fluorescent lights in the hospital when she would fall asleep for just a little bit. Yet it was painfully familiar. She lifted her head, pressing a kiss to Matthew's chin before rolling over and reaching for her phone from the night stand. It felt good to be in her plush bed, but the instant reminder that Olivia was miles away and that her baby giggles or her yelling for her pacifier made Mary's heart feel pain. She loved being home, but a small person who made her life better was missing. As she checked her messages, she saw a text from her mother with Olivia and a message that let her know Isobel had joined them at the hospital. She said Olivia had gotten sick once over the span of the night, but that the doctor's adjusted her medicine and she was back to playing and giggling. She then made it a point to tell her not to come until after lunch time, because Olivia was soaking up being spoiled by all three of her grandparents. Mary couldn't help but let out a little giggle when more photos appeared, showing Olivia posting with a teddy bear that had a hospital gown and bandages exactly where hers were. According to her mother, Isobel had brought it this morning along with some breakfast pastries for her parents. If there was one thing, she was sure of, it was that their family had been amazing. Isobel had basically dropped everything to come back and forth to the hospital. Her parents and Edith had come almost once a day to see Olivia and just try to relieve them. Then there was Matthew's job. Now that he was the head of his office, he had a lot of work to do, but the staff of his office had stepped in and Matthew often worked when Olivia was sleeping from the corner of the hospital room on his laptop. He wasn't working as much as he was used to, but they made it work. Still, she wished this was over. She wished that she had her little girl at home, chasing around the little crawler and constantly searching for pacifiers that Olivia threw, because she simply just enjoyed life so much, she would get excited and throw it.

Mary turned over, looking back at her husband. She loved being his wife and she was quite certain he loved being her husband. They had been through so much; they were still going through hell but waking up next to him somehow still made her feel butterflies in her stomach. He was an amazing father. She had known he would be from the first day she had ever met him. There was just something about his heart. Deep down, she had always wanted to be a mother. She wasn't sure that she was gently or warm enough to be one though. It took assurance from Matthew and holding an amazingly beautiful baby girl in her arms that made her realize she was meant to be a mother. Sometimes to this day, she would watch Olivia sleep and cry, just because she loved her so much and that little girl was so incredibly perfect. So much so, she just wanted the three of them in the same room. "Matthew…get up."

She smiled as he turned over, wrapping his arm around her and pulled her a bit closer. He didn't say anything else, he just stayed asleep, but let her rest her body against his. It had been quite some time that she woke up like this. It had been one of the mornings after they found out she was pregnant. It had been a happy morning, full of laughing and spooning until Olivia woke up and they played in the bed with their little one. She pressed another kiss to his neck, "Matthew, wake up. It's time to go see Olivia."

"Have you heard from Cora yet?" Matthew asked, stretching his arm around her and blinking his eyes open. She smiled when he immediately moved his fingers to her hair.

"Yes, she keeps thinking we won't come until after lunch time." Mary rolled her eyes, lifting her head on her hand.

"Maybe we should." Matthew smiled, his fingers running along her side. "Olivia is probably sick of us."

"Possibly." Mary giggled, moving her hand to his cheek, tilting her head up and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "But I miss her and want to go see how she's doing. Mama said she got sick again last night."

"But she waited to tell us, because it was handled." Matthew breathed, rolling on top of her. Mary closed her eyes, willing herself to feel this moment alone with her husband, because she did miss him. So much.

"They did handle it." Mary sighed, her hands moving up to his hair. "There needed to be an adjustment to one of the medications. Oh, and she had a diaper change, which is a good sign. She hasn't been having very many still…"

"As much as I adore talking about diapers…" Matthew laughed, pressing his lips against hers.

"You want to do something else…" Her voice was light, her cheeks began to feel warm as she dipped her tongue into his mouth. Still, a part of her began to feel empty, her mind filling with thoughts of Olivia and questions she had for her doctor. Go away. She wanted her brain off. She wanted a moment where everything was right in the world. Matthew was one thing that was right about the world. "You want sex."

"I do want it." Matthew pushed her tank top off above her breasts, pressing a soft kiss between her two peaks. She tried to force her eyes closed again, ignoring the mental list that she was forming. Things for Olivia, the final follow-up from her miscarriage that had to be pushed back a few more weeks and everything else that needed to be tended to. "I'm craving it. It's funny how even through all of this…I look at you and my appetite for you just always is on."

"Your mother…my parents are at the hospital…Olivia is awake." Marry tapped his back, kissing him back still.

"Then she's taken care of for a few more hours and on the way in we can stop and pick her up a doll or something." Matthew chuckled, sliding his hand between them. "Some condoms for later…"

"Or a doll…." Mary breathed, unable to keep her eyes closed, turning her face. "Also, we need a lightbulb for the backdoor light"

"We can think about the list after…" Matthew slid his hand along her stomach, where she was reminded of how empty it was. She closed her eyes again, trying to think about being just alone with him right now.

"And a pack of new pacifiers. I am certain they go somewhere with her missing socks, but I couldn't be too sure." Mary sighed as he slid his hand along the line of her paisley pajama bottoms. Mary let out a weak groan as she pushed his hand away, before wrapping her arms around his neck. "I don't think we should do that right now."

"I think we should." Matthew smiled, pressing his lips into hers. "I had forgotten what it was like to have some extra time."

"I don't think we can call it extra time when Olivia is in the hospital." Mary looked over to the nightstand and reached for her phone again. The ultimate gesture of shutting it down.

"Mary, I am on top of you." Matthew pressed a kiss to her cheek, his hand reaching for her phone and placing it back on the nightstand. "Now I would never force you to sleep with me, but then again I don't think what I want to do requires much sleeping at all."

"And do you feel romantic knowing Olivia is ill?" Mary asked, as his lips moved to the crook of her neck. "Because I want it…. I do, but right now…"

"I just want to be normal for a moment." Matthew replied, moving his lips up to her ear. "And I want you relaxed for just a moment."

"I haven't tended to myself as normal." Mary breathed, worried he may not find her as kept up as he was used to. In the hospital, the self-care was quick and rare. "Don't tell Granny…"

"Mary…" Matthew groaned, resting his head on her shoulder.

"What?" She giggled, because she knew his voice. The groan wasn't with anger, it was with the need to be with her and still he rested his hand at her side and let out another displeased groan.

"Thinking of your Granny manages to kill the mood." Matthew pressed a kiss to her temple, pressing another one against her for reassurance.

"My apologies." She laughed as he rolled off of her, before moving her head to his chest. The last thing she felt was the urge to be intimate and she certainly didn't feel desirable. Still, it felt good to know he desired her. "I'm hardly in the mood. I want to be, but I can't."

"I understand." Matthew sighed, pressing a kiss to her dark hair and lacing her fingers in his hand. Mary felt guilty, as they stayed there in the bed, but she just wanted be with Olivia. She had a feeling that Matthew wanted intimacy from her, but she didn't desire the intimacy he wanted right now. She wanted to be close and touch him right now, but sex came with far too many things right now. It would make her mind drift away from Olivia and she didn't want that right now. She only desired to keep her mind on Olivia and their sweet baby they had lost. She feared if she forgot about them for a moment, they would slip away. Or something worse would happen. They would do the act and she'd still only be thinking of the part of her that was at the hospital and that wasn't right either. Matthew deserved all of her if they were going to do it and she didn't have the focus. If she didn't want them to fall apart, she had to say something. She had to tell him a variation of the truth. "What's wrong?"

"Do you, though? Do you understand why I can't do it?" Mary sat up quickly in the bed, adjusting her lace camisole. She took a deep breath, playing with her hands as she tried to put these burden thoughts out in the open. "It isn't just about the appearance or that I don't want you. I want to be with you so bad. I don't…my mind is all over and I don't feel like I can be intimate. Between losing the baby and Olivia being so sick…. I just don't feel like I can focus on the intimacy you and I have when we're together. I enjoy making love with you…sometimes being dirty with you. I want to have those things, but it isn't fair to either one of us if I am only physically present. We deserve each other's full attention and I just…if I stop thinking about them for a moment, I'm afraid I'll make a mistake with them or you."

"You mean to say, your mind can't be intimate right now?" Matthew frowned, sitting up on the bed and pushing the blankets off of his waist. "You're too focused on Olivia."

"And losing the baby. I don't want to forget them." Mary confessed, feeling a tightening in her chest. One she hadn't felt since it had first happened. "I just…the baby and Olivia. My mind isn't ready. There is too much and I don't feel like having sex. If I am going to have sex with my husband, I should be able to have sex and be just with my husband and you deserve more than just a shell of me lying there while you do all the work."

"To be fair I don't mind doing all the work sometimes." Matthew gently winked and she was reminded for a moment why she loved being alone with this man. The wink alone sometimes sent a shiver down her spine. "In fact, I can think of a few ways I could do all the work."

"Matthew." Mary rolled her eyes, leaning into his chest and inhaling the smell of him. He was trying, but she couldn't help but feel like she was failing as his wife. Still, she envied the way he could make light of their time alone. "Soon enough. I promise."

"Again, you don't have to explain anything to me." Matthew sighed, pressing a kiss to her lips. She took a deep breath as he pulled his hands to hers. "Mary, we will make our way out of this Hell. I know we're scared and it hasn't always been easy, but I believe we are stronger than what threatens to take us down. Olivia is too."

"I'm glad you can be the optimist. I find myself trying to rethink how I could have noticed something earlier." Mary smiled, kissing him again. She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing him in and praying her mind could be fully put at ease as it was when she was asleep next to him. "I promise, I desire you. More than you know."

"I don't doubt that. There is definite evidence of that." He smiled weakly, before lying back with her in the bed and Mary curled up against him. She didn't want to turn him down and she didn't know how to get things back to normal. She wanted to be with her husband. It didn't seem fair that they couldn't be together in the most intimate of ways, but she simply couldn't do it. Her call for intimacy came in just cuddling together or sleeping alone in a quite room. Too many things were wrong right now. She needed something to change or some sort of answer that Olivia was going to be okay. For reasons beyond her understanding, she needed to feel a little bit more balance, before she could do the one thing that took her mind off of the world around her. For just a bit longer, she needed to focus on everything that was wrong.


	16. All While

Matthew watched as his Mary brushed Olivia's dark head of hair and Isobel distracted her with a few toys. His mother was getting ready to leave and go back to her house, but had offered to stay a bit longer today than Mary's parents to help entertain Olivia. It turns out in the span of the time in the hospital, Olivia was very antsy. She didn't like sitting still, which was normal, but before she would sit long enough for a diaper change or to get her hair done. He was pretty sure this was a good sign though, that she was progressing like a normal baby who would be one in month. There was a real possibility that their little one would spend her first birthday in the hospital and he hated that. It was all up in the air. The doctor's assured him that if she had her surgery soon and it was a success, she could be home up to a week after. That kids were amazing in that way and while it would take weeks to be back to normal, the crucial period in the hospital usually passed quickly. If the surgery was a success. He didn't want to even entertain the idea of an 'if' she would get better. He tried to only assume she would. It was the only way to think if they didn't want to fall into a bad pattern. It was the only outcome he would accept. So, as he watched his mother and his wife, he tried to imagine what having Olivia home would be like. He imagined if she wasn't attached to monitor's with I'V's, that she would be a handful to chase after. He thought maybe she would be trying to walk with their help. He hadn't even seen his little girl crawl since they had gotten to the hospital. He ached for the moments where his baby girl could be a true baby. "Mother, do you think she'll start crawling again soon?"

"Oh, I think she will." Isobel said proudly, bouncing an orange and white clownfish toy. "Olivia, who is this?"

"Me mo!" Olivia smiled, clapping her hands and Isobel joined her. Olivia laughed as her grandmother sat the small Finding Nemo plush toy and tucked it into the covers. "Me Mo."

"You're so smart Olivia." Isobel smiled proudly as Mary finished putting a bow on the baby's head, the only addition to her hospital gown and diaper. Matthew smiled as his mother lifted Olivia, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. "Nana will be back in the morning, my love."

"We appreciate you." Mary smiled weakly as Isobel handed Olivia over to her. "And I am sure she will call you Nana one of these days but for now you're…. who is that Olivia?"

"No….nie!" Olivia smiled from around her pacifier, the little girl resting her head on her mother's shoulder.

"For now, you're Nonie." Mary giggled as she and Isobel stood up from the hospital bed, even though Mary couldn't move very far from it with Olivia. Their little one had decided she wanted to be held today and would only play and talk if she was in physical contact with someone.

"I'll gladly be Nonie." Isobel laughed as she reached for her bag and jacket. "Call me if you need anything."

"We will." Matthew stood, walking over to his mother and wrapped his arms around her. "Thank you."

"I'm happy to be here." Isobel said, pulling away and smiling warmly before turning back to her granddaughter. "Bye Olivia."

"Bye Non! Ee!" Olivia smiled, taking her pacifier out of her mouth and waiving at her grandmother.

"Bye!" Mary bounced Olivia lightly as Isobel left the hospital room and Mary looked over at Matthew. He couldn't help walking over to her, moving his hand to her neck and kissing her as she held Olivia. It was the first time they had been alone with Olivia since their fight over Carlisle and if it was one thing Matthew wanted Olivia to know in addition to how much he loved her, it was how much he loved her mother. She ended the kiss, smiling and biting her lip before looking down at their little girl. "Olivia you're going to have to learn to say Nana."

"Nonie!" Olivia shouted, pulling her pacifier out of her mouth and tossing it onto the floor.

"Nonie it is." Matthew chuckled, leaning forward to kiss the baby on the cheek, her skin even more pale than she was born with. He smiled, before leaning down to pick up the pacifier that she had dropped. If one thing was completely normal about Olivia, it was the constant playing with her 'ba' that remained the same. "Let me clean it."

"Ba!" Olivia kicked her legs, her little hand reaching for Mary's ear and tugging on the earring she wore. "Ma! Ma! Ma!"

"Ouch." Mary groaned, pulling Olivia's hand away from the gold hoop she had pulled on. "You must be feeling a little bit better, because your hands are on everything today."

"Mama! Ma Ma!" Olivia shouted, reaching her hand back to Mary's ear and Matthew suddenly realized Olivia was saying the one name she had been too stubborn to repeat.

"Mary." Matthew felt his smile widen as Olivia kept repeating it, pulling on Mary's hair. "She's saying 'mama,' Mary!"

"She's…Olivia!" Mary's smile grew as she bounced the little one in her arms. "Olivia. Finally! Oh Darling!"

"Ba!" Olivia clapped as Mary kissed her cheeks repeatedly and Matthew stepped forward, wrapping his arm around his wife as the door opened and he pulled away, to see the all too familiar Dr. Ward step in to their hospital room. "Dr. Ward."

"Mary, Matthew…. Hello Miss. Olivia." Dr. Ward gestured as if he was tipping an invisible hat at the ladies in the room and Matthew was reminded how grateful he was for a doctor that was so gentle with Olivia. "I just got the test results from this morning."

"Alright." Matthew took a deep breath, his natural instinct was to brace himself, because every bit of news came with more things that needed to be done.

"So, the good news is the Pneumonia has cleared up." Dr. Ward exclaimed, pinching Olivia's cheek lightly. "There is still a bit of fluid, but that I believe that has more to do with the heart, but not enough to rush into anything. To be safe, we'll start another round of antibiotics."

"So, she's free of the pneumonia?" Mary asked, sounding hopeful.

"She is, but the extra antibiotics will help with that." Dr. Ward nodded, as he gestured for Mary to with Olivia and put the stethoscope in his ears. He blew on one end, before pulling up Oliva's hospital gown to listen to her. "She's sounding clearer, but it's going to be some time before she's strong enough for the heart surgery. She's been through the ringer already."

"Is it safe to wait any longer?" Matthew frowned as the doctor ran a small light over Olivia's eyes, part of the routine they had gotten used to with doctor's and nurses coming in and out of her room. "She's been here so long."

"The pneumonia and heart caused a lot of strain on her major organs; we need to get her some more rest and to gain some weight so she can get some strength back." Dr. Ward opened a chart and examined it. "I want to get Olivia on a steroid. She's lost far more weight than would be considered healthy for her age due to all of this and she's already a tiny girl. The steroids will help her body rebuild some of its strength, but also help her heart muscles and build the appetite."

"More medications." Mary sighed, brushing her hand over Olivia's hair. "Will there be side effects to these?"

"This one will likely make her face swell up and body to swell up a bit and could cause her to be irritated." Dr. Ward explained almost as if he was also trying to apologize. "We will still be giving her medication to sleep a lot, because this one may cause some insomnia and she will need sleep to get some rest. While it will help with her appetite, it is only going to help her gain a little bit in time for a surgery. It could take months or even a year before she gains most of her weight back.

"So, our darling Olivia will go on being just a tiny little girl." Matthew walked over and sat on the bed next to Mary.

"Mostly due to her natural size, but yes, for a while she'll be considerably smaller." Dr. Ward chuckled, packing up the few things he brought in with him. "I will get the steroids ordered and started this evening and then we can monitor her for the next week and hopefully begin the plan for surgery."

"Dr. Ward." Mary stopped him, looking over at Matthew for a moment. "Is its possible Olivia could be home for her first birthday."

"I don't want to make any promises, but if we can get her strong enough to do the surgery soon, we can begin the discussion." Dr. Ward explained as he walked to the door and turned around. "It will take several weeks after surgery before she is back to her same energy level and she'll be on quite a few medications for a while, but if she's well enough she could be released a week later. We will make hope by her first birthday our goal. That is if the surgery is a success. I know we've been over the risks and complications, but I won't dwell on those. I am confident that this will go well and if anything changes, we will talk about it. The only true promise I can make is that I will do everything I can and the right things for Olivia."

"We appreciate that." Matthew nodded, moving his hand to Mary's shoulder as they both tensed up.

"I'll have a nurse return with some medication." Dr. Ward waved, before leaving the room and leaving them there, with their precious daughter.

"Olivia, you're so little and it constantly amazes me." Mary giggled, pressing her nose against Olivia's. Matthew reached to a nearby table for a clean pacifier. The one that Olivia tossed on the floor was now by the sink. "My little petite miracle baby."

"She has been quite a miracle." Matthew agreed, resting his head on Mary's shoulder as Olivia became exhausted, her small body resting against mother. She held Mary's hands, moving and bending her mother's fingers as she stayed focused and her eyes became sleepy. "My mother said she hasn't slept since she woke up this morning, it's a new record since she got to the hospital."

"She's been too busy playing and now she's tired, aren't you doll?" Mary laughed, reaching in front of them for Olivia's blanket.

"Me Mo! Memo!" Olivia squealed, pointing to the plush toy and Matthew handed it right to her. He loved the way Olivia showed great affection to her toys. She was still quite young, but she had a very caring demeanor towards them. "Ma! Da! Ba! Me mo!"

"All of your favorite things." Mary giggled as Olivia sat forward, looking around. "Of course, Elliott, but he's at home and we'll be reunited with him soon."

"She loves her toys." Matthew couldn't help but laugh as Olivia held three small stuffed animals in one arm, her other hand taking her 'ba' in and out of her mouth.

"I'm glad to be with her again." Mary breathed, as Matthew covered all three of them with the heavy blanket. "I loved our time alone, but I miss her too much."

"She's easy to miss, easy to love…she's perfect." Matthew laughed, kissing Mary's cheek. "Olivia, we're going to have to get you good and strong."

"Ba!" Olivia took the pacifier from her lips, offering it to her mother. "Ba Ma!"

"Oh, no thank you darling." Mary laughed. "It's time to rest.

"Me! Mo!" Olivia bounced her one arm and pointed to the tv. "Ohhh! Me Mo!"

"Finding Nemo time." Matthew sighed, reaching for the remote. "I think its time for more movies."

"Your mother brought 'Boss Baby' and "The Little Mermaid." Mary pointed to a bag in the corner of the room. "I asked Olivia earlier and she just shook her head no."

"She's not even one." Matthew turned the television on and looked over at Mary. "She doesn't know everything she does and doesn't want."

"Very true." Mary kissed Olivia's head, adjusting the covers just the way Olivia liked since the day she came home from the hospital as a small infant. "Let's get you all nice and cozy Olivia."

"Ma." Olivia looked up, pointing her small finger at Mary, before smiling with her lips around the pacifier. Matthew felt like his eyes might start burning with tears. As tired as Olivia was, she still looked up at her mother and smiled. Despite everything she had been going through, Olivia was happy to be with her parents. "Da."

"We love you Livvy." Mary breathed, her eyes watering as Olivia became sidetracked by the movie and Mary looked up at him. "I loved our time alone, but leaving her here. I don't like it."

"I don't either." Matthew admitted, knowing that they needed their time too. They needed their time alone, but right now Olivia needed them and they would have to try and find some nice balance between the two. The need to be there for each other all while making sure they were fighting every single way for Olivia. He knew they could do this. He knew they could come out on the other side of this, stronger than over. He didn't doubt it, but he did question how long the road would be and how hard they may struggle. For tonight, he would soak up the love he felt as she held Mary and Olivia close while surrounded by machines. Even if it wasn't perfect, his family was.


	17. Brave

Mary considered herself to be someone who possessed the right skills to be patient for anything and as if this morning, she learned that she was very wrong about that assessment. Not only was she eager to get out of the hospital, Olivia was in probably the worst mood she had ever been in. Mary was certain that Olivia couldn't get moodier than she was right now. Her little one was clingy and very cranky, constantly bursting into tears and being aggressive. It wasn't her daughter. The on-call doctor came in and said Olivia's behavior was normal right now. That she was probably frustrated and not feeling great from the steroids being pumped into her body. She reminded Mary that Olivia was only able to express herself so much. Matthew had a few meetings that he had managed to book into one day so that he wouldn't have to spend too much today and Anna had been so kind to come spend the day with her. And it would be good for them to get some separate time too. Not that she wanted him gone. She missed him when he wasn't around her, but she knew they needed a break too. Mary had gotten quite used to being alone with Olivia, but entertaining a little girl who was getting antsy in the four walls of her hospital room was proving to be a challenge. Not that Olivia tried to go anywhere, but her patience for the situation was growing thin and Mary had to admit it was getting more stressful. She was tiny, but she was a force of energy sometimes and in the last day, she had cut one of her back teeth that was making her irritated. Now they were waiting on Lucy, their favorite nurse, to bring Olivia a popsicle that would hopefully hold her attention and make her feel a bit better. As they waited, Anna organized some of Olivia's things, because she wasn't too good at sitting still when something could be done. Mary on the other hand was currently trying to distract Olivia with a book about a dog with spots. "Livvy…look at the puppy."

"Me mo!" Olivia pointed, before holding her stuffed fish in the air.

"No that's a dog, Nemo is a fish." Mary kissed the little one's cheek and Olivia looked up at her.

"Me mo!" Olivia groaned, kicking her legs. "Me Mo! Ma!"

"Okay." Mary sighed; her eyes wide as she looked up at Anna.

"The princess has spoken." Anna laughed, reaching for a fuzzy pink blanket that had been tossed over a chair. Anna folded it as Lucy walked in with a plastic tray.

"Hi Olivia." Lucy came in with a huge smile as usual, approaching the bed. "Okay, I brought a popsicle and some biscuits for later. That way she can snack on something until Dinner."

"Thank you, Lucy." Mary smiled, looking up at the nurse. "Her stomach has been a bit upset today, is that normal? I feel like she's been sick to her stomach off and on."

"I'll contact Dr. Ward to let him know, but that's pretty standard with the steroids and she's been on so many meds so her stomach might be a bit sensitive." Lucy nodded, taking out her battery-operated thermometer to check Olivia's temperature. She waited for the device to beep, before looking at it. "No fever, that is good."

"No fevers for Olivia." Mary exclaimed, but quietly as she kissed Olivia's head, relieved to hear that consistently for two straight days.

"Very Good." Lucy clapped, before backing up. "I will come back in an hour, but buzz if you need something."

"Thank you, Lucy." Mary smiled as the nurse left the room and she placed the cup in front of Olivia.

"I have to admit, I know she's sick but she eats a popsicle cuter than anyone I have ever seen." Anna giggled, walking over to the hospital bed and sitting on the bed.

"She hates having help with it." Mary giggled as Olivia picked up the stick end and pulled it out from the cup. "Olivia…"

"Ba…" Olivia took her pacifier and held it out for Anna to take. "No Ba…mah Ba no go."

"Oh, of course." Anna giggled, taking the pacifier and sitting it on the tray next to Olivia's cup for her pacifier. Mary and Anna watched as Olivia held both hands on her pacifier, only removing one hand to grab the pacifier again and handing it to Anna. "Oh okay…I will take it."

"She's very particular." Mary giggled, as Olivia's hands returned to smashing the popsicle, her tiny hands only grabbing a tiny piece of slushed popsicles.

"Matthew should be happy he's going to miss the mess." Anna giggled as Olivia tried to grab another piece of the frozen treat, eating it off of the stick.

"He probably will be." Mary couldn't help but laugh as Olivia tried to eat the popsicle, sometimes having issues picking it up with her fingers. It was a relief to see Olivia trying to eat, instead of lying in a bed with tubes inching out of her body. Now she was just hooked up to I. V's and a heart monitor until her surgery. "He always manages to miss the messes."

"Is everything alright, between you two?" Anna asked, as Olivia dripped pieces of purple slush on her hospital gown.

"Yeah, we're good, but I just feel like we're in limbo about our family." Mary breathed, opting to take Olivia's hospital gown off since she was going to need a fresh one and a sponge bath. She took the cloth, tossing it to the side for the hamper. "With Olivia and…"

"The baby." Anna finished and Mary smiled weakly. Anna often knew when to say something for her, to avoid the pain. "Why does it cause a limbo?"

"It just seems like we're in holding." Mary breathed as Oliva sucked on her hand to get the juice off of it. "I think Matthew is ready to commit to a baby the moment Olivia is better and I believe if she had never gotten sick, he'd be cornering me to get me pregnant again."

"Do you want another baby?" Anna asked, as Olivia tried to pick up another piece, her little fingers pushing the popsicle around the tray.

"I don't know. I…yes. If I tell you something, can you keep my secret safe?" Mary asked, looking down at Olivia who was working her way to a mess. She was going to be sticky and right now, she dreaded trying to clean her up when she was easily irritated. "You've kept so many already."

"Of course. Always." Anna nodded, watching Mary intently.

"The truth is, after the miscarriage I was immediately filled with the instinct to tell Matthew I couldn't do it again." Mary explained, her finger running along one of Olivia's small curls at the start of her neck. "I had experienced so much trouble when I was pregnant with Olivia due to…well you know. Then she was born prematurely and I just look back at how difficult that was and don't know if I can do all of this again."

"You don't want another baby?" Anna frowned, looking down at Olivia who was trying to put the popsicle stick in her mouth with no popsicle on it and she quickly took it from her, replacing it with a cracker to avoid upsetting her. "Does Matthew know?"

"No." Mary breathed, shaking her head quickly. "The thing is, when Olivia got sick, I started to feel a bit different. It was this realization that we are going through hell and while it is hard on our relationship, he's the best father. He loves Olivia with all his heart and I truly feel like I just love him even more than I ever have. It makes me feel like when this is all over, if we make it through all of this, we can handle another baby."

"I agree, you and Matthew can make it through anything." Anna smiled weakly as Olivia smashed some of the cracker in the melted juice, her hands covered in it.

"I just think I love them so much." Mary sighed as Olivia shifted, her hand moving to Mary's leggings. "And the two of them are so perfect together, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to see Matthew carrying two little ones around the house. He would be filled with so much joy."

"But would you feel joy?" Anna asked and Mary knew she could be her most honest with Anna and she couldn't help but smile.

"I think I would. Mary leaned down and kissed Olivia's head and Olivia looked up, trying to shift to face her mother and Anna helped her. "I miss that small phase, when they're first born and they just smell so beautiful and need you and you're so exhausted. You don't sleep, you barely have time to get yourself together and they depend on you for everything and still…I don't know. It brought out a part of me that I didn't know existed. I think I might want to do it one day. Again."

"I have to admit, you even blew me away with how amazing you are with a newborn." Anna giggled, as Olivia began to whine, putting her fingers in her mouth. "You're really one of the best Mum's I know."

"I try to be." Mary smiled at Olivia, trying to stop her now sticky little one from getting upset as she moved a few of the cords out of the way. "Still, I think it will be a while before we can try again. I don't want to just wait for Olivia to get better. I want to get past a few of those milestones to actually be able to see she's doing better."

"And I think she quite likes having her mother to herself." Anna giggled, getting up from the bed to walk over to the sink.

"Well, she's my child. Of course, she's a bit spoiled." Mary laughed as Olivia kicked her legs. "How are you going to be one already?"

"Me mo!" Olivia screamed, and Anna handed Mary a wet washcloth.

"The staff misses her being at the house." Anna replied, lifting the tray off of the hospital bed and grimacing at how sticky it was. "They've all made comments about how they miss that little one crawling as fast as she can through the halls."

"I miss the crawling…and little handprints all over the glass." Mary breathed as Olivia grabbed a piece of her hair and tried to put it in her mouth. When Mary pulled it away, Olivia burst into tears. "My hair isn't a toy…here is Nemo."

"Me! Mo!" Olivia cried as Mary handed her the stuffed fish and Olivia threw it on the floor and kicked her body back, screaming. "Me Mo!"

"That was Nemo." Mary sighed, looking up at Anna apologetically.

"Ma!" Olivia screamed, her tears heavier, her breath getting deeper.

"Breathe, Olivia." Mary 's frown deepened. Mary hated moments like this, where she had to calm Olivia down and her breath was hard to catch. Olivia hadn't been a baby who cried hysterically often, but when she did, she always became breathless and while Dr. Ward explained that some children are just like that, in Olivia's case it could have been one of the earliest signs that her heart was working too hard. "Calm down…Come on Olivia…."

"Should we call someone?" Anna's eyes widened, rushing to hit the nurses call button. Olivia's face was read as she cried, the first breathless period ending.

"Thank you. She does this sometimes, but they'll just come in and give her something to make her sleep and some oxygen." Mary smiled, looking up at Anna. Her friend was amazing and always tried her hardest to be helpful. Anna was someone that would drop anything to help her, put her first and put Olivia in front of everything else. She knew today she had told Anna something, she hadn't yet told Matthew and right now as the nurse came in and helped get Olivia some medication, Mary felt grateful that she wasn't alone. Olivia's spells were scary and she prayed they would cease after the heart surgery. Olivia was starting to look tired and very puffy now that the steroids were settling in. The part that scared her, was that they were getting used to this. Used to medications, spells, illnesses coming and going. It was a lot. She was starting to accept that there was a possibility Olivia would have struggles and it made her reflect a lot on what life would be. Of course, she found herself hoping and praying that Olivia's life could be normal and full of happiness and good health, but it struck something in her she hadn't expected. It made her look at Matthew and Olivia together and as hard as things were, she wanted more of it. She wanted to more babies to be in bed, staring up at her and Matthew as they tiredly ogled at the child. She wanted to see Olivia's reaction when a new one came along and still find time to spoil her first born. She wanted to see Matthew juggling his babies, because deep down that was when she was the very most attracted to him. She was attracted to him all the time, but something about him with a baby made her stomach flip. Then there was something else. Something that she never wanted to discover, but she had. Something so significant, that it changed her life. Olivia was brave. The tiny girl who was still just a baby, was her hero. Olivia truly was bravest little girl she could ever know and that meant she could be brave too. It meant if Olivia could deal with all of this, she could live her life as her mother. If Olivia could deal with the cords, the sickness, the constant pocking and tests and anesthesia, then Mary could do things for her. Olivia inspired her. She taught her so much. She didn't need to be so scared, because the bravest girl was always a reminder of how life was going to keep moving and Olivia would want her to move with it.


	18. Take My Heart in Your Hands

To say that things had taken a turn, would be an understatement and Matthew wasn't quite sure he had the mental patience or energy to try and sort out what had happened. When he had stopped by their home after a day of working to grab some things, Mary had texted him saying to come soon, because she felt like something wasn't right. By the time he had gotten there, Olivia's energy was low and the doctors were running tests. This morning, Olivia was put on a machine to help her heart beat. Dr. Ward had explained that there was a chance she would get worse, before she got better, but that they wanted to try to get her stronger. They had agreed, but now Olivia had reversed and her body was rebelling against the decision. There was always a small change that this would happen. They had been told that there was a tiny chance waiting to do the surgery could result in her body breaking down, but that it was advised to wait after the pneumonia, because she had been so weak. Now Olivia's small body was fighting urgency to breath. It seemed like their world was upside down and now Matthew was scared. If he had known things would change so quickly, he would have never tried to get a day of work done. About nine hours after he arrived back at the hospital, in the very early hours of the brisk morning, they made the decision to call their families. Immediately, Mary's parents, Edith, Tom and his mother made their way to the hospital to wait with them. The family waited both in and out of Olivia's hospital room as his wife curled up in the bed, her eyes never wavering away from Olivia's small body. Dr. Ward had explained that this was far more common in this situation and that they may have to do the surgery if there were no other answers. "Mary."

"Dr. Ward should be in soon." Mary breathed, pressing a soft kiss to Olivia's face in one of the spots that medical tape and a tube was not. "It's odd to think she can breathe on her own, but that she needs a tube to help her."

"When Lucy came in, she said that was to keep stress off her body." Robert Crawley reminded his daughter and Matthew was grateful that their family was here and knew the names of the hospital staff as well. "She's been through so much."

"That's an understatement." Cora crossed her arms, resting her head on her husband's. "She's the strongest little girl I have ever met."

"Me too." Matthew breathed, his finger lightly brushing Olivia's arm. "I'm amazed by her."

"She's brave." Mary whispered, shifting onto her back and pulling her phone from her jean pocket.

"The good news is that Dr. Ward said she was fully responsive and she was just sedated so that they could perform all of the tests." Isobel stood, walking over to the bed to place a hand on Mary's shoulder. Matthew had found himself on the opposite side of the bed, holding Olivia's small hand. "Could I get you something to drink?"

"No thank you." Mary sighed, a hand falling to her stomach. "I feel so nervous."

"I think we all do." Matthew breathed as he watched his wife, being as strong as she possibly could be. He knew she was close to tears, but she was trying. Trying really hard to just take it all as it came. He had contemplated getting up to wrap his arms around her, but the door to the room opened and in walked Dr. Ward, looking bright eyed and awake, which was a relief. "Dr. Ward."

"Dr. Ward." Robert stood, as Isobel stood by Mary, taking her hand and Matthew was grateful.

"Hello." Dr. Ward smiled weakly, clutching Olivia's chart close to his body. "Well, I won't beat around the bush. The valve we have had concern about is not going to hold up much longer and we have to do the surgery as soon as possible. I already have a team on the way down to get her and prep her for surgery."

"What?" Mary sat up, her hand moving over Olivia's. "Is she strong enough? We were waiting until she had the strength to tolerate it."

"She's as close to strong as we can afford to get her." Dr. Ward sighed, stepping closer to the bed. "The truth is, we reviewed the scans of her heart. The valve that is in desperate need of repair is not going to hold up much longer."

"And what happens if we were to wait until she's stronger?" Matthew frowned. "Like we had all planned."

"The surgery will be risky, but if we don't do it now, Olivia's heart will fail and best-case scenario is we get her on the list for a donor." Dr. Ward frowned, shaking his head. "The surgery will take all day; we would only stop if there was no way to repair the valve or…"

"She dies." Mary said quietly and Cora moved next to Isobel and Mary. "Right? That's the only time you would stop."

"You must not think that way Mary." Robert put his hand up, looking up at Dr. Ward. "And if she has the surgery, she'll get better?"

"The repairs need to be made, before we can assess the next steps." Dr. Ward was cautiously optimistic. Matthew could tell. He was always making sure that he didn't make a promise he couldn't guarantee. "If the valves were to fail, so would Olivia's heart. Then we would have to move fast to determine her outcome. The right thing to do is to get in the Operating Room as fast as we can."

"Alright." Matthew nodded as he stood, looking out into the hallway to see a few people dressed in scrubs and jackets waiting. "Is that them? The ones who will take her with you?"

"That is the transport team." Dr. Ward nodded, his eyes softening as he looked back to Olivia who was sedated in the bed. He looked around the room and Matthew knew Dr. Ward must have hated this part. He could read it on the man's face. "We will let you say your goodbyes, then we will take her up. One parent can come up with us to get her prepped and then will come back down as we take her in. I know she's sedated, but you still have that option."

"Matthew…" Mary breathed, staying firm in her spot next to Olivia. "I don't want her to be alone, even if she is unaware of what is going on."

"I'll go with her." Matthew breathed, nodding nervously. He trusted Dr. Ward. He had even asked around and did some research on him. He was one of the best and Olivia was in amazing hands, but they still knew the risks. He watched as Mary got off the bed for a moment, moving out of the way for his mother.

"Stay strong sweet girl." Isobel said softly, leaning over and softly kissing Olivia's cheek. "Nonie will be right here waiting for you. Uncle Tom and Aunt Edith aren't here right now. They went downstairs, but I have enough love on their behalf."

"You do." Matthew nodded, putting a hand on his mother's shoulder as she stood back. His mother was strong, but he knew shew as scared.

"We love you Olivia. You're going to be alright. I just know it." Robert stepped forward, placing a hand on Olivia's small body. "One day when your big enough ride ponies in the stable, I'll look back and think about how far you've come."

"We love you darling." Cora replied, leaning forward and kissing Olivia's head. "Everything will be alright."

"It will." Robert nodded, before pressing a kiss to Mary's cheek as her eyes watered. He then led Isobel and Cora out of the room and they disappeared. He imagined to a waiting area. He took a deep breath as Mary slid back on the bed and he quickly moved behind her as she nuzzled her face next to her baby and he saw that his wife's heart was breaking. That she was scared and so was he.

"Olivia, honey. Don't be scared. I know this seems big and you don't understand, but sweetie, I need you to hang on. They're going to help you and I wish I could do this for you. I wish that I could take on all of this for you and you could be home and safe, but I can't. Please darling, hold on." Mary said, her voice cracking as Matthew felt his eyes burn and a lump form in his throat. "I know I said I just wanted you to be happy and safe and healthy and that I would do the right thing if something happened, but please. Don't make me have to make a choice. I'm not ready. I don't...I need you Olivia. You're the best part of me."

"Mary…" Matthew whispered, putting his hand on his wife's back as the transport team came in.

"Not yet." She groaned, as she began to cry, pushing his hand away. "Olivia, you can do this. I know you can. Please…let them fix you. Somehow if there is a way you can tell your body to cooperate, they can help you. You could get better if this is fixed. Your heart will work like new. I know it can. I know this could work, but you have to hang on. Please if it starts to feel hard darling, just please hold on. I will be here when you wake up and I promise to stay with you until you're better."

"Mary, they have to take her." Cora said from the doorway as she reappeared. "Matthew, Mary can come with me as you take her."

"Alright." Matthew nodded, leaning over to press a kiss against his wife's cheek. "Mary…"

"I love you so much." Mary cried into Olivia's cheek, before pressing several light kisses. "Please…come back to me."

"Mary…" Matthew whispered, looking up as the team of strangers came in. He knew he was to stay with Olivia, but he wanted to get his wife over to his mother in law before he left.

"I love you so much Livvy." Mary kissed her again, before stepping off the bed and turning to her husband. He kissed the top of her head and wished he could transport his wife and baby girl to an island or somewhere safe from all of this. He barely held back his tears as Cora walked in and Mary turned into her arms and began to sob, the stuffed nemo held close to her chest. The doctors came in and began to adjust the equipment and he felt himself swallow a bit of bile that had threatened his throat. He had to stay strong for Mary and he would kiss her goodbye upstairs before they took her back to the operating room. This was hell. Matthew had been through previous times that had been difficult. This. This happened to be the hardest. He felt like deep down, the surgery would work and Olivia would live a normal life. Then there was a part of him that was scared to death by the simple fact that he and his wife were trusting Dr. Ward with Olivia's life. They were putting their heart into someone else's hands and praying that he returned it better and stronger. It was starting to feel like way too much to ask for.


	19. With You in My Corner

_Mary loved having Olivia home from the hospital. Mary wasn't sure if it had been two or three days, but while she was exhausted from the tiny baby, she wouldn't trade it for anything. The small baby on her breast made her feel like she could do anything if she set her mind to it and she would do anything for Olivia Katherine…Crawley. Matthew was sitting up in their bed, reading a book while she nursed the new baby who seemed to be adapting well to the softer lights at home in place of the harsh hospital lights that left rooms cold and empty. She looked up at Matthew and smiled, unable to contain just how happy Olivia made her. How happy he made her. She was exhausted but over the moon and she was pretty sure she was going to nurse as long as she possibly could. She'd only stop before, if Olivia didn't show any interest. If someone had told her that it would be so important to her months ago, she would have laughed at them but now, she couldn't imagine not having this time with Olivia and feeling the butterflies she got when she did it. It was hard to explain, but oh so amazing. "There is something about you…. when you nurse."_

"_What?" Mary looked up, her hand lacing with Olivia's tiny one. _

"_I've never seen anything like it." Matthew smiled, closing his book. "I've been in love, but something about you with her. I can't get enough. You two are the most beautiful pair."_

"_She makes me a better person." Mary admitted, looking back down at the premature infant in her arms, soaking up the small shiver the baby made when Mary adjusted her breast in her mouth. She pulled the gray blanket over the baby's legs. "I never want to be away from her. I want to be the best mother."_

"_You already are the best mother." Matthew grinned, before opening his book again. "She is the perfect start to our little family."_

"_I'm glad you feel that way, because I love her so much." Mary rocked lightly, watching the little baby girl's cheeks work so hard. Mary was on cloud nine, watching as the little girl ate and Mary couldn't help but giggle._

"_Make her be quiet Mary, I'm working." Matthew's voice interrupted her thoughts and Mary's head shot up, but her Matthew wasn't there. Richard Carlisle was sitting in the bed she shared with Matthew, with a magazine open on his lap. _

"_What?" Mary asked, her eyes narrowing as she looked around the room for a trace of Matthew. _

"_Put her to bed. She's been fed enough." Carlisle snapped, picking up his magazine again. Mary shook her head, looking down at her baby who was starting to fuss as Mary removed her breast. "She's not done."_

"_She is done." Carlisle groaned, tossing the magazine at Mary and she flinched. "Don't make me tell her she's done."_

"_You won't touch her. I will never let you place a finger on her." Mary began to cry. "Where is Matthew?"_

"_You really didn't think he could save you, did you?" Carlisle began to chuckle, standing up from the bed. "You didn't really think I was going to let you forget about me."_

"_Where is he?" Mary tried to shout, but she couldn't as she picked her baby up and began to walk towards the bedroom door. _

"_Drop the baby." Carlisle groaned, rushing across the room and grabbing Mary by her hair. "Give her to me!"_

"_No." Mary cried as she felt Carlisle tug at the baby girl, still sleeping softly now in Mary's arms as she suddenly was wrapped in soft white blankets. "You can't have her!"_

"_Drop the damn baby!" Carlisle shouted, shoving Mary to the ground, her head hitting the corner of the wood dresser. Mary's eyes closed for a moment, but when she woke up, she was sitting in the stables at Downton. A place she had spent a lot of time in growing up. No horses. It was cold and she was alone, surrounded by hay. Her head hurt and she placed a hand to it, it was wet with blood. Olivia. Olivia. Where was she? Mary began sifting through the straw, tossing it away as she dug and dug, finally hitting a fleece blanket, but no baby. Olivia. Olivia. _

_Olivia._

Mary felt her head pound a bit as her eyes flickered open and she remembered where she was and that she had been crying when she fell asleep. As he eyes adjusted, she placed a hand to her head, but unlike her dream, she wasn't bleeding and she wasn't in the stables. She looked down to see Matthew's feet and remembered that she was resting her head on his lap. She didn't move right away, as she tried to recall everything that had taken place and then she was reminded that Olivia had gotten worse very quickly. The last thing she really remembered was telling Olivia goodbye and pleading with her to just keep fighting. If Dr. Ward could just fix the parts of her heart that weren't working, she would get through this. She knew it. Dr. Ward had been optimistic, but right now Mary felt sick. She felt like a part of her was being held as some sort of ransom while she fights the urge to not get sick. Olivia had been in surgery for about four hours when one of the doctor's on Dr. Wards team had come out to update them. Olivia had minor damage in a second valve that they had been able to repair quickly and perfectly. The damage had likely been a result of trying to compensate for the first valve and from all of the fluid in her chest. They were working on the replace and repair of the other valve, but that Olivia was doing great and was stable during the surgery. They had said everything was going as planned and then left, leaving them there. The news had been good at that point, but it didn't actually relieve any of the worry. Nobody would feel better until Olivia was out of surgery and with her parents again.

Mary shifted onto her back, looking up at Matthew who had his head back against the wall. She then looked over to find her mother reading next to Edith and her father standing, looking out at the gallery window in the waiting room. Isobel was reading a book and sipping a cup of tea as Tom read some sort of magazine. Olivia was a lucky girl, surrounded by a family who loved her so much. Mary sat up and the movement caused Matthew's eyes to open and he wiped at his eyes. She didn't want him to wake up, but she couldn't sit still any longer. "How long has it been since the doctor came out last?"

"Four hours." Robert turned around, looking back at his watch. "She's been in surgery for a little over eight hours."

"They said the average was nine, didn't they?" Edith asked, placing her phone on her lap.

"Yes." Cora sighed. Mary could see the look of worry on her mother's face and she wasn't sure if it was comforting or not. "Robert, don't you or Isobel have contacts that could tell us what is going on?"

"I suppose I could make a call." Robert slid his hand in his pocket as Isobel leaned forward.

"We don't need to call anyone." Isobel said quickly, stepping out of her seat. "It's a good sign that they haven't come out again. It means there is no update at this time and that's a good thing. We were told they would update us half way and they did, now they're working until they are finished. No early update is a good thing."

"That makes sense." Tom replied, closing his magazine. "The moment she is allowed more guests than her parents, she's getting the biggest stuffed animal I can find. My nerves are shot."

"Careful, we have to store that stuff at our house." Matthew smiled weakly, pulling Mary back onto his lap. "Although I can't wait for the moment, she asks for her 'Ba.' I don't care if she wants it until she's five. She gets whatever she wants."

"I hope she doesn't want it when she's five." Edith laughed, holding her phone up. "Although I have to admit, her and her 'ba' are my lock screen picture. I can't say I've seen anything cuter."

"She loves her Ba…" Mary breathed, feeling her eyes burn again, even though she felt as if her body was out of tears. Matthew quickly pulled her to his chest and she nuzzled her face in him.

"She can have it when she wakes up." Matthew whispered in her ear, even though their family was right there. "Along with all of the hugs and cuddles we can force."

"Mary, she'll be just as happy to see you as you will be to see her." Isobel promised, her voice convincing. "Little ones are resilient, when she wakes up, she'll be playing as normal just hours later if the surgery finishes well."

"I just want that to be true." Mary smiled weakly, wiping at the few tears that had fallen. Her dream was etched in her mind, but only as this reminder that Olivia was being held away from her right now. "She's ready to be back home. She should be home with me. With Matthew."

"Soon enough, Mary." Robert sighed and Mary knew her father was trying to be optimistic, but not speak too soon. He had experienced the pain in losing a child and she knew he was trying to protect her even though he wanted Olivia out of surgery and healthy. "I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous too, but I believe Olivia will make it through, even if it is a long road."

"We can get her through those roads." Isobel reminded them, brushing some crumbs off of her skirt as Tom exchanged a look with her.

"We are all going to help." Tom assured them, looking at his watch. "We don't know how now, because we don't know what she will require if she will require anything, but we're Olivia's family. She's going to have us."

"We're grateful. Truly." Matthew nodded, rubbing Mary's back. "Aren't we, Mary?"

"We are." Mary swallowed, looking back at her husband who managed to provide her thoughts with some stability. "You all…and the staff…have stopped your lives constantly for us. You too, Edith. You guys didn't have to do this. You didn't have to be here but…"

"Of course, we had to be here." Edith interrupted. "I know I personally would not have done anything else. I intend to be here constantly until she comes home. I want my niece to know her Aunt Edith loves her very much."

"She will." Mary said, her voice soft. She and Edith had never really gotten along. It wasn't until she left Carlisle and had been pregnant that their relationship softened. Olivia brought out a bit of neutrality between them, giving them a common ground. Sometimes Edith would stop by, just to see Olivia and they would calmly share a cup of tea. That didn't mean they didn't take little jabs, it just meant they usually laughed them off or rolled their eyes. Mary found herself hoping Olivia always had Edith to turn to and feel comfortable with. "She already loves you all."

"Well, I am proud to be her Nonie, that's for sure." Isobel laughed.

"She'll be spoiled." Cora added. "That's for sure."

"Papa, you better not rush and get her a dog." Edith chuckled, looking over at Robert. "Mary and Matthew need to get settled back home again.

"Every little girl should have a dog to grow up with." Robert chuckled, walking over to Cora and sitting down next to her. "My granddaughter will have her first dog soon. Even Matthew wants one."

"That is true." Matthew laughed, pressing a kiss to Mary's shoulder.

"Yes, because you won't be the one to have to clean up after it during the day." Mary rolled her eyes, feeling a bit of relief from the knot in her stomach, but still wondering how Olivia was doing.

"Well, I can take him up to the big house with me most days." Robert shrugged.

"That will be the day." Edith rolled her eyes and for a moment everyone had a bit of tension removed. Then the elevator's chimed and Dr. Ward stepped off, sending everyone to their feet. He took his scrub cap off, holding it in his hands before he made eye contact with her. Mary felt her legs shake a bit as their eyes met and they walked towards each other.

"Mary…Matthew…" Dr. Ward nodded, running a hand through his hair as they stood in front of him, Matthew's hand on her back. "We just finished up and she's been wheeled to recovery. She's doing really well."

"Oh." Mary muttered with relief, her hand moving to her chest. "She's alright?"

"We were able to make a complete repair." Dr. Ward explained, twisting the cap in his hands. "It was a bit worse when we got in there, it wouldn't have held up much longer. It really is surprising they never found it when she was born, but thankfully its repaired. I will go over the future in phases, but let's go over today."

"Alright." Matthew nodded as Mary felt the eyes of the family all in the direction of Dr. Ward.

"We will be keeping her sedated for the remainder of today and tomorrow morning. She did exceptionally well and most of the time I would say lets just go ahead and wake her in a few hours, but she's been through it the past few weeks." Dr. Ward explained. "She needed another blood transfusion as well, so that mixed with what she has been through I want to keep her under until after rounds tomorrow morning at the earliest. Her body needs some time to rest and sometimes babies don't understand that they need to stay still."

"But she did okay?" Robert interrupted.

"She did amazing." Dr. Ward grinned, crossing his arms. "She looks scarier than it actually is right now. She is on a ventilator and tomorrow will be when we evaluate if she needs it. If all goes as planned, she'll be awake and off the ventilator by tomorrow. Now, there is a chance that she won't be ready and we will leave her on it if that is the case, but Olivia handled the surgery so well and everything went as it should."

"Thank God." Cora said, her hand moving to Mary's shoulder.

"When can I see her?" Mary asked, tears beginning to pour down her cheeks.

"We are going to leave her in recovery for the next hour and then she'll be taken right back to her room." Dr. Ward looked at his watch. "She's going to be very sleepy for the next twenty-four hours and even though she will seem like a brand-new baby in a few days, she has a long road of appointments, medications and tests."

"We can handle that." Matthew replied.

"But she won't…she's better if this worked?" Mary's voice cracked, unsure if she wanted the answer to her question.

"If the surgery was a success, there are very good odds she will never have another heart issue and can live a very long life." Dr. Ward smiled. "Now there are still a life full of checkups ahead of her, but her condition was rare and doesn't have a high rate of future issues. If she takes care of herself and has great care as a child."

"She'll have the very best." Isobel assured him, her hand moving to Matthew's.

"Good." Dr. Ward smiled, looking back at Mary and Matthew. "I will send a nurse down when they have returned Olivia to her room. There are some other machines that will be put in there before she gets there. The next hours aren't going to be easy, we'll be in and our constantly, nurses will be all over and tech's will be checking. It's not near over, but the surgery is. I know it is a relief, but it will still be hard at times. Just remember she made it this far and that is huge."

"Okay." Mary nodded, as Dr. Ward smiled and returned to the elevator. With that Mary turned, bursting into tears as she wrapped her arms around her husband and their family came together, everyone hugging. Cora, Isobel and Edith were crying, smiling but still scared and Mary's relief changed to a bit of fear. The surgery had been a success, but she was reminded that Olivia still had a lot to go through. It was as if Dr. Ward wanted to remind her that it could still go wrong. That Olivia had made it through surgery, but that she still needed to wake up and live a healthy life. Her mind was filled with relief, joy, confusion, pain, love and so much. The surgery had worked. Olivia had made it. Then that fear that had appeared, turned to hope as she looked at her family around her. Olivia had so much love around her, that despite what could go wrong, she knew the people that Olivia had in her corner were here every step of the way.


	20. Chapter 20

As Mary sat by her little girl's bedside, she felt a pain of irony. She had sat in a room before, waiting for the little girl to do something that meant she was improving. It had happened when they first got there and it had happened when she had been born so small. The waiting for something good to happen was all too familiar and she hoped Olivia would do something. She been out of surgery for nineteen hours and had been sleeping the entire time. Her body was exhausted and the medications were pumping through her small veins to allow her more sleep and time to heal. Then there was the tape on her face and the tubes that were attached. Machines breathing for her little girl. She had been on a machine when they first got here, but it had been smaller. Now it seemed bigger and scarier. Olivia just seemed so small in the big hospital bed and Mary sometimes felt a bit speechless by it. Mary's parents and Isobel had gone home later in the evening the night before, after she and Matthew assured them it would be long before they knew anything else. Edith and Tom left a few hours after, in the late hours of the night. Now it was just Mary and Matthew, sitting by their little one's bedside and hoping she would display some sort of sign that she was ready to wake up. It was the first time in hours that they had been alone with her and Mary thought if she could just convince her to show a sign, she was ready, the doctors would swoop in and let her try to breathe on her own. Mary just wanted to hear Olivia speak and see her little smile. She just wanted to know that she was alright and that soon their lives could go back to normal. She didn't like seeing all the cords or the massive bandages placed over her chest where a doctor had cut down her body. She had seen the incision briefly each time the nurses came in to check the dressing. It was big and scary, but Mary made a mental note to get some ointment or something that would help lighten it and heal. The scar would likely be there for the rest of her life, but Mary vowed to herself that she would me Olivia grow, knowing that it was her battle scar. That the mark would be a sign of how brave she was.

As the machines beeped slowly, Mary looked up at her husband who had taken a baby wipe to Olivia's hand to try and get off some of the adhesive from some of the medical tape that had been removed before surgery and replaced in another spot. He looked up and his eyes met Mary's and she couldn't help but smile, even if it was weak. "Do you think they'll let us try to wake her soon?"

"I don't know." Matthew sighed, looking up at the monitor. They had become experts at reading some of her vitals. "Her blood pressure has stayed where they said."

"I wish they would come check again." Mary breathed, looking up at Olivia whose skin was incredibly pale and her lips were still a bit lighter. Dr. Ward had told them not to worry about her skin color, as her body healed, her coloring would come back.

"They should be in any minute." Matthew took a deep breath reaching for her hand and Mary felt grateful again for his touch. It calmed her. "When we get word that we can bring her home, I will move the crib into our room."

"It might get a bit cramped." Mary looked at him, letting out a light smile. "And you'll have to promise not to get cross when I let her come into bed with us."

"I don't think you'll hear a word from me about it again." Matthew laughed tiredly, running his hand through his hair. "I'd give anything to be begging her to fall back asleep. Or trying to get her to bed in the first place."

"I miss getting her ready for bed, bath time…rocking her to bed." Mary breathed, her chest feeling tight. "Her little hand still clutches on like it did when I nursed her."

"I think you still wish you nursed her." Matthew smiled coyly at her and for a moment it felt like they were having a discussion that they would have at home, where she felt safer.

"I do." Mary sighed, looking down at Olivia's small legs. "I wish I would have followed my gut, but I took her eating solids to mean she was done. If I had stuck with it…all of the antibodies and…"

"There is no way it would have prevented this." Matthew cut in, letting go of her hand and standing up. "There are a lot of things we can question, but if we took good care of her is not one of them."

"I know, I just wish this was…a bad dream or something." Mary sighed as Matthew moved his hands to her shoulders, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her head. "Or that I had something I knew I could do when she wakes up to know I was helping…"

"I think just being her mother when she wakes up will make her happy." Matthew replied, before pulling up a chair next to her. "Mary, she's in love with you. You literally make her face light up when she sees you. If I am home with her and you go out for the shortest amount of time, she's the happiest when you come home."

"She adores you too." Mary smiled, leaning her head against his. She tries to crawl to you when I am trying to change her."

"Well of course." Matthew chuckled, before stifling a yawn.

"Hmm…You're tired." Mary breathed, looking up at him as the door to the room opened and Dr. Ward walked in with two nurses, one being their favorite, Lucy.

"Mary…Matthew." Dr. Ward smiled as he walked in, closing the door behind the two nurses. Mary straightened up in her seat, so did Matthew as the doctor immediately began assessing Olivia, not saying much for a few minutes. "Just came in this morning to check her out and see how she's doing. My night staff says she was on her best behavior."

"She was." Matthew said quietly as he looked at Mary, immediately taking her hand in his.

"Blood pressure looks good." Dr. Ward wrote some information down from the monitor, before putting the stethoscope to his ears and listening to Olivia's chest. "She sounds good, nothing conflicting with the machine. Vitals have held up. She's responsive and pupils are still good. Let's remove the ventilator, Lucy. We'll do a test and if she passes, we'll work on getting her awake."

"Really?" Mary felt her breath leave her body as she finished her words, sitting up quickly.

"I don't see a reason to leave her on anymore machines if she does well. She doesn't need the bypass or the compressions if she can breathe. The heart responded well all night. That's the benefit of her not being a fifty year old smoker." Dr. Ward chuckled and looked back at them. Lucy and the other nurse began walking to the bed, immediately working on some of the taped wires around Olivia. "She'll be pretty medicated for the next few days, but I think its time to start getting things a bit more normal."

"And if she doesn't breathe on her own?" Matthew asked as the nurses worked together to remove a long tube from Olivia's mouth and they both had to look away. The second nurse removed a tube from Olivia's nose that had been there for feeds during the durations that Olivia had lost her appetite. The doctors had constantly toyed with removing it since Olivia had started eating a bit better, but decided it would be better to leave it in. Mary couldn't help but want to cheer when she saw that nurse toss it into a pile of waste they would trash.

"Let's see how she does here first." Dr. Ward gestured to Lucy, who was listening to Olivia with her stethoscope. She nodded and Dr. Ward stepped forward and listened with his own. Dr. Ward placed part of it to her chest again, a light smile came across his face as Olivia smiled back. "Let's work on waking her up."

"Gladly, Dr. Ward." Lucy smiled, winking over at Mary as she felt her eyes began to well up with tears.

"You're waking her up." Matthew gasped, his eyes lighting up as he nearly jumped from the seat.

"We're going to pull back on the medication that has her sleeping." Dr. Ward put a hand up, his face softening. "There is still some risk, so to prevent her body from panicking we will do it slowly. I know I say this a lot, but she's been through a lot so it could take her a while to wake up."

"How long?" Mary asked, wanting to shout and beg him to make her do it now.

"It could take a few minutes, a few hours, it could take a day." Dr. Ward's shoulder's relaxed more than they had been in a few days, but in a way that let them know this was more up to Olivia than anyone else. "We're on her time now. Her body will be in control for now, we'll be in every twenty minutes."

"Is there anything we can do?" Matthew asked. "To speed it along."

"You can talk to her." Lucy said from next to Olivia's bedside. "Olivia will come out of it when she's ready, but in my experience, babies are a bit fussy when they wake up. So just be here with her, talk to her, love on her."

"Lucy's right." Dr. Ward confirmed as the second nurse left the room. He made a few notes as he checked Olivia even further, confirming that she had immediately began to breathe on her own. "It is best to make sure familiar faces are around and I think you'll be surprised how well little ones do waking up from it."

"Can we hold her?" Mary asked, wanting nothing more than to climb up on the bed.

"Of course." Dr. Ward nodded reassuringly, gesturing to the bed. "Just don't move her too suddenly, but you can rock her in the corner or sit in the bed with her. I suggest the bed, because we don't know how long it will take or you can rotate. Just be careful of her stiches."

"Okay." Mary nodded, looking at Matthew before they both stood and Matthew extended his hand. "Thank you."

"Thank you, Dr. Ward." Matthew nodded, before sliding his hands in his pocket. "I know she has a lot of healing to go, but we're grateful."

"I know." Dr. Ward smiled, before stepping back. "I'm just happy she's doing well."

"Me too." Mary breathed, as they left the room. She exchanged a look at Matthew, before she lifted Olivia and he reached for the I.V pole. They went to the corner where Mary sat in the firm rocking chair, willing to sit there for hours if Olivia was comfortable. Matthew moved the pole next to her, before grabbing the soft pink blanket they had brought with them and gently placed it over Olivia as Mary began to rock. Her eyes were surrounded by dark circles, but there was something that looked different about her. "She looks more comfortable without the tubes."

"I bet." Matthew smiled, before moving a chair right over next to her. His hands moved to Olivia's back as Mary rocked with her. "Hey Squeaks…"

"She hasn't squeaked since she was a few months old." Mary rolled her eyes, before looking back down at the sleeping baby in her arms. When she moved her hand over her little one's arm, she realized just how much weight and muscle her little one had lost. Her wrist felt far too small and she felt again like there was more she could do.

"Are you alright?" Matthew asked, as Mary felt a tear slip away, right down her cheek.

"She's so perfect." Mary cried, her hand moving to the little one's hair. Olivia needed a bath. Far more than the sponge bath's she had been given since her hospital stay began. There had been a number of reasons why she could, only have the sponge bath, but Mary knew it was time for a good bath. She hoped they would be able to give her a bath at home soon. Dr. Ward had explained that the average stay post-surgery was about a week and she hoped Olivia would fall on the low side of it. She just needed this perfect little girl to wake up, so that they could help her make progress. She deserved to start her life again outside of this hospital, being the prefect little girl, she was.


	21. Come On, Olivia

Olivia had been flinching and struggling to wake up for over an hour. The doctors' and nurses had already come in and smiled, said she was doing great and that unless any of her monitors went off or they were concerned, they would leave them be for a bit. It had made Matthew feel better to know that the doctor's felt confident enough to not rush in when she was awake. They had said everything was going as normal and she was having trouble waking up, because she was simply sleepy. It had taken over six hours for Olivia to show signs of waking up and while they were exhausted, they were more than happy to wait right there with her. A few times they had dozed off and Mary had been sleeping when Olivia first crinkled her nose. Medically, she was responsive to everything she needed to be and her heart was still doing well. They would perform an echocardiogram the next morning to make sure the heard was still performing well and they would do an ultrasound in a few hours to make sure there were no signs of leaks. It was all good news and Matthew couldn't help but smile every time Olivia's little bottom curled up and she stretched against Mary's chest. She had always been a little one, but she seemed so much smaller now. Not just from the weight loss, but from the cords and the big hospital bed and the cold room. Her little body stretched much like it had when she was smaller and Matthew just chuckled. They had moved to the bed a few hours ago and waited "Maybe we should start to force her to wake up. I think she's too comfortable."

"I don't want to upset her." Mary breathed, kissing the top of the little one's head. Matthew had given Olivia her pacifier thirty minutes ago and he was pretty sure that just made her more comfortable sleeping.

"Should we take the 'Ba' away?" Matthew asked, anxiously wanting Olivia to wake up. "Just to wake her up."

"It seems a bit mean, doesn't it?" Mary asked, examining Olivia's legs underneath the blanket.

"No, let's do it." Matthew rubbed his hands together, he just wanted to see Olivia's face. His heart ached to see her awake and looking at them. "Come on Olivia."

"Your Daddy wants to upset you, get mad at him, not me." Mary whispered in her ear as Matthew slowly reached for the ring attached to the pacifier and tugged at it lightly, before changing his mind. Olivia was comfortable right now and resting. As impatient as he felt, he didn't have the heart to take it from her right now. It was a familiar comfort as she slept and he knew she was waking up, just slowly. "She's so snuggly."

"Olivia…" Matthew whispered, his hand moving to the little one's back. He looked up at Mary who looked almost just content with finally holding Olivia on her chest. Like a part of her was whole again. "Wake up, Olivia."

"Olivia." Mary giggled, kissing the top of Olivia's head as Olivia stretched her small arm up towards her mother and Matthew quickly took her hand, placing a light kiss on it. It was a few moments of stretching, before Olivia's bottom lip stuck out and quivered, a small little whine coming from her tired body. "It's okay."

"She's really fighting it today." Matthew sighed, trying not to lose the feeling for optimism. Olivia was doing really well and the news today had been great, but it was hard. Seeing Olivia struggle the past few weeks had been hell and now he felt like the universe was teasing him. Teasing him with her doing well and he hated waiting for her to wake up. He just wanted to see the same smile she used to greet him with every day.

"She's just sleepy…" Mary whispered, before biting at her bottom lip. Matthew watched as her body softened and he was certain her eyes were filled with some sort of worry. Not the worry she had been faced with while Olivia had been in surgery. This look was different. There was a curiosity there that he couldn't explained and he found himself watching her closely. She rubbed Olivia's back, her gestures becoming slower. "Olivia."

"What are you thinking?" Matthew asked, pulling his hands back to his lap. "She's going to wake up soon."

"I know." Mary nodded as Olivia moved her hand under her chin, no longer moving but sleeping comfortably. "You don't think she'll be different, do you? Will her heart change? I…want it to be healthy, but she's the sweetest. What if this changes her?"

"She'll still be Olivia, just stronger." Matthew replied, back as he realized with great relief that he believed those words himself. It was a philosophical concern. That Olivia might change in the sweetness of her own heart, but deep down he knew she would still be the perfect little girl that loved so much. If she would just open her eyes and greet them. "Still silly. Still sweet and loving. Probably still in love with her 'ba' and eventually into everything again."

"Dr. Ward still has her scheduled for the physical therapist, but maybe we should reschedule." Mary frowned, patting Olivia's back as the baby girl began to whimper, but not open her eyes.

"No." Matthew said with a confident head shake.

"Why?" Mary tilt her head, looking at Olivia as she took deep breaths in her sleep. "She may need to rest."

"Dr. Ward knows what he is doing and she's gotten a lot of rest." Matthew insisted, running his finger over the creases in Olivia's small feet. "It's time to get her back on track. The physical therapist will make sure she hasn't lost any skills and will help strengthen what she lost while she was going through this.:"

"I just don't want to push her too hard." Mary admitted, looking up at him. She looked so in love, filled with the joy he saw when she had been allowed to hold Olivia for the first time in the neonatal unit after Olivia had been born. "She's been through so much."

"She has." Matthew smiled as Olivia stretched again, this time her pacifier slipping out of her mouth and he caught it before it could risk hitting the ground. Her eyes were surrounded by dark circles, an obvious sign of the stress her body had been through. "But, it's time to let her have a normal life and a part of that is getting stronger. Dr. Ward knows what is best for her and if he's ready for her to start physical therapy, then Olivia is ready. They're not going to push her to do something that her body isn't ready for. There are all kinds of physical therapy."

"I suppose you're right." Mary ran her finger over her little one's hair, wincing as she found a bit of adhesive stuck in one of her curls. "Poor darling, needs a good bath with good products in her home."

"I never thought the products were important, but I suppose the ones we have at home smell great and work better." Matthew replied, reaching for a baby wipe to try and run it over Olivia's hair. "Poor baby. She has so much glue and tape on her body."

"I just want to take her home." Mary whispered, her voice lowering as Olivia shifted. Mary looked up at him as they exchanged a look of curiosity as Olivia moved more than she had in the last few days. A moment later, a small cry escaped Olivia's lips. "It's okay."

"Ba." Olivia shook out a small cry, patting her mouth lightly, before closing her mouth again. She was starting to wake up and the doctor's warned that she may be a bit upset. He didn't give her the 'ba' right away, as he figured she was trying to wake up and that her mouth may now be dry. Dr. Ward had told them to let her have tiny sips of water as her body tried to adjust. Still, he craved for her to wake up and want her parents. He wanted to see those precious dark eyes he couldn't resist.

"It's alright." Mary's voice was soft as Olivia's lashes flickered and she stretched her arms again. His wife was amazing, sitting here and holding their little one who was hopefully on the last leg of this nightmare. "I've got you."

"Come on Squeaks." Matthew whispered, rubbing his hand over Olivia's back again as she stirred. She was showing more signs of waking up, but the whimpers coming from her were breaking his heart. He wasn't sure if she felt pain. Dr. Ward had assured them that he had worked hard to read the few signs that were there and medicated her as needed. He was staying ahead of her pain for now and once she was more active, he would ease up on them.

"Ba…" Olivia whined, stretching her arms and holding them against her ears before she finally opened her eyes. Mary let out a small gasp and Matthew felt his heart tighten as she cried, still partially asleep. It wasn't a cry of pain, but more of one that she was waking up. It was a cry they had seen when she'd slept hard during a nap or the few times she woke up in a bad mood. "Ma…"

"Hello, Darling." Mary giggled, her eyes filling with tears as Olivia lifted her head just a bit, looking curiously up at her mother, before her eyes shut again. The little one was struggling to wake up, but Matthew felt the relief. The relief that she truly was waking up and the relief that she wasn't crying out in pain. She maintained her stare at Mary, her tiny fingers now resting on her hospital gown. "You had a long sleep, didn't you?"

"Ma…" Olivia whined.

"Yes?" Mary asked, as Matthew placed a kiss to Mary's cheek and Olivia smiled tiredly. "We've missed you little one."

"We have." Matthew added, refraining from pulling the little one into his arms and celebrating. She was tired and surely wouldn't appreciate the excitement at the moment. The doctors probably wouldn't either. "I should probably let the nurse know she's fully awake."

"Almost, anyways." Mary giggled, tears streaming down her face as Olivia asked for her pacifier. "Will you ask them if we can give her some water or juice?"

"I will." Matthew smiled, leaning forward to kiss Olivia as he walked towards the door. It felt truly as if they had just overcome something big. Something in his gut told him that the worst was over with Olivia and that the next struggle would be trying to move on from this. It had been traumatizing. He wouldn't deny that. They also knew it wouldn't be a quick recovery. Kids could usually go home a few days later if they didn't have complications, but the road to being considered 'better' wasn't even in sight. It reminded him of something his mother had shared with him. That they needed to start taking life one day at a time. That the days would require patience, but that the end would be worth it. She told him that if they tried to conquer too much, it would be overwhelming and that resuming a normal life was only going to work if they were willing to look at life a little differently these days. Olivia's heart surgery was going to force them to look at life from a different perspective and reshape what they thought of was normal. Matthew was just hoping, they could feel a bit normal soon.


	22. Chapter 22

Mary was completely tired and still nothing could make her fall asleep. Olivia had woken up from surgery hours ago and she had no interest in going back to sleep. Not that Mary could blame her. She had been sleeping for a long time and while Mary and Matthew were drained, Mary didn't want to miss a moment with Olivia right now. Matthew had drifted off to sleep on the uncomfortable pull out bed where the window seat was. Instead of waking him up, Mary climbed into the bed with Olivia. Now, her precious little one was still a bit drowsy but watching Frozen and playing with her Elsa and Nemo plastic toys. In a way, Mary couldn't believe it. While Olivia was exhausted, she was full of the energy required to play in her bed and talk a bit. Her throat was sore from the tubes that had been down her throat, but she rarely complained and a popsicle had quickly taken away the tears. Now having her sippy cup nearby was enough to take away any of the discomfort she felt, along with the pain medicine the doctor's continued to pump her with. In a way, Mary was grateful for the drugs that soared through her daughter's veins. It meant her pain wasn't as bad as it could be and just maybe, she would be free of the memory that would haunt her parents. She was young enough that it wasn't likely she would remember a thing, but Mary wished for the extra assurance. Olivia was going to be one in a matter of weeks and she just wanted their lives to go on normally. No tubes, wires or constantly beeping monitors that they had somehow managed to stop noticing. One amazing milestone since Olivia had woken up, was the removal of several wires and her feeding tube. While she was still hooked up to something monitoring her heart rate and an I.V., Mary hadn't seen her little one with this few additions since before they arrived at the hospital and she was willing to take that as a great sign.

Olivia seemed to be grateful for less tubes too. Even in a sleeping state after surgery, the tubes in her nose had bothered her. Mary could tell by the tiny changes in her face from time to time. It made sense. There was no way that could be comfortable and she had hated it before her surgery when she had worn it from time to time. Now, Mary knew one of the biggest tasks would be to help Olivia gain her strength back, but that was going to take serious time. So now, she was happy to watch Frozen for the millionth with her little one, excitedly pressing kisses to the little one whenever she wanted. "Look Olivia. Elsa and Anna are little."

"Me Mo!" Olivia held up her toy fish, before pointing at the screen. "Nana!"

"That's right. That's Anna." Mary smiled, running a hand over Olivia's hair and making a mental note that they needed to try and wash it. Dr. Ward had talked about the possibility of going home in a few days, saying it was quite common if the surgery was a success. She couldn't wait to wash Olivia properly at home. "Can you show me where your Anna is?"

"Nana…. Nana…" Olivia rubbed her eyes before looking around the bed, passing by the Disney doll and reaching for Mary's phone. "Nana! Nana!"

"No, silly." Mary reached for the toy and held it up, but Olivia kicked her feet and held up the phone.

"Na!" Olivia whined, her fingers pressing on the touch screen, before she waved it around and Mary had to grab it quickly before she dropped it. "Ma! Na!"

"Oh…you want to talk to Anna." Mary realized, as Olivia tried to reach for her phone again. "Darling, in the morning. It's late."

"Na Na Na…." Olivia whimpered, before looking up at her mother and stopping. She kicked her legs once, before pointing with her tiny little finger. "Ma!"

"Yes?" Mary breathed, lifting Olivia up, shifting her around the cords so that she was facing her.

"Ba." Olivia clapped.

"Here you go." Mary laughed, reaching for the plastic piece next to her, and Olivia stuffed it in her mouth. Mary rolled her eyes, realizing that Olivia's love for her pacifier was just as strong as before surgery which came as a relief. "All better?"

"Ba…Me mo." Olivia clapped, before rubbing her eyes again. Mary felt her heart pinch a bit, knowing how physically tired Olivia was, even if there were great improvements.

"Okay, let's watch the movie." Mary breathed, hoping Olivia would relax and just maybe they could relax together. Even if she had to remain wide awake. "Look, why is Elsa crying?"

"Ba…" Olivia settled into her mother's arms, looking back at the television up on the wall in the corner of the room. Olivia's eyes narrowed as she sucked on the pacifier, before grabbing it and holding it up toward the screen. "Ba?"

"Are you trying to make Anna feel better?" Mary asked, reaching for the Anna doll with braids, placing it in Olivia's lap. She watched as Olivia moved the 'ba', hitting it lightly against the doll before putting her pacifier back to her mouth. She examined the door, her tiny finger moved over the smoke of the doll's dress. For a moment, Mary thought Olivia wondered if Anna had been sick too. The way her small fingers rested on the doll's chest, but just a moment later Olivia got excited and tossed the doll to the other side of the bed. "Liv…poor Anna doll. You threw her."

"Ma!" Olivia squeezed her fists, before laughing, her teeth clenched tight around her favorite pink and green pacifier. Mary leaned over, pressing a kiss to her little nose as the little one pulled on her hair and Mary didn't even mind. The sound of Olivia's breathing sounded so clear for the first time in weeks. It sounded so steady, but each little giggle her baby let out wasn't met with a break in her breathing or a quick few breaths to try and catch up. She sounded sleepy in her voice, but she sounded like she was living and Mary couldn't help but keep her breath there, even as Olivia tangled her hands in her dark hair.

"Mary?" Matthew's voice broke Mary's focus and she looked up quickly, immediately wincing as she remembered Olivia had a tight grip on her hair. "Are you alright or has Olivia stabbed you?"

"I'm fine." Mary took a deep breath, moving her hands to Olivia's as she urged the little girl to let go. She sat back, looking at her husband who was rubbing his eyes for a moment before standing up. "I was listening."

"To what?" Matthew chuckled, as he walked towards them, taking a seat on the side of the bed as he scooped Olivia onto his lap. Mary grinned, watching as the plastic bobbed up and down in Olivia's mouth and the little one was playing with her father "Mine too." Mary smiled weakly as Olivia kicked her legs again and looked up at the television. "Do you like this song, Olivia?"

"She likes when you sing it." Matthew kissed the top of Olivia's head as the little one flicked her fingers on his wrist. Olivia looked exhausted, but she was so happy and now focused on the movie. "Maybe she'll sleep for a little while."

"I wish she wouldn't." Mary breathed, before shaking her head and wanting to clarify to him. "I mean I know she needs her rest, but she was out for so long and I feel like we just got her back to us."

"It scares me too." Matthew said suddenly and Mary felt a stab of pain in her chest as he admitted what she thought maybe, deep down she feared too. "I'm scared if we close our eyes, we'll open them and she's still sick. I get scared that she'll fall asleep and not wake up."

"Me too." Mary took a deep breath as her eyes met her husband's. They were exhausted, worn down to the core, but they were so happy she was okay right now and the thought of losing that wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

"But she needs her rest." Matthew reminded her and Mary felt herself nod as Olivia let out a giggle, playing with the handle of her pacifier as something funny happened in the movie. Olivia was definitely exhausted, but not quite ready for lights out. "So, we can get her home, sooner instead of later."

"That would be nice." Mary shifted, and Matthew slid onto the bed next to her, readjusting Olivia back to his lap. "Home in our bed with our things."

"With a bed for Olivia in our room again." Matthew laughed, and Mary felt a pain of relief that they were on the same page at the moment. "Until we're certain she's a bit more stable."

"I doubt I'll get a full night sleep anytime soon." Mary sighed. "I fear I'll become obsessed with watching her sleep."

"We slept alright when we were at home, although we missed her like crazy." Matthew replied, looking down at Olivia who was watching the movie intently, her little hospital gown resting over her belly. Matthew lightly tapped his fingers against Olivia's belly before looking up and smiling at his wife. His eyes softened, and he lightly winked at her as his grin grew. "We'll have to work something out."

"I suppose we will." Mary winked right back at her husband, feeling instantly softened by the confidence in Matthew's eyes. She wasn't sure why, but she felt like she was truly seeing Matthew for the first time in a while. Not as a sick and scared father, but the handsome man she loved so much. The room was so heavy, but he had a way of making her feel like they could just be themselves for a little bit. The way he held Olivia, the way he spoke, he reminded her that they could be Matthew and Mary. Well, Matthew and Mary with a little one, but they preferred that part. Life was different now, simple every day sounds would always mean a lot more than they did before. She would appreciate the sound of Olivia's heart working a little bit more than she did before. It was perfect and right now; she was reminding herself that this was all really good. It sounded amazing, while she still had long ways to go, Olivia was perfect. Olivia sometimes seemed to know something was different, but right now she looked happy as can be, nestled safely in her father's lap, watching Frozen. Her pacifier in her mouth, her little hands pointing at everything and her eyes wide with amazement. As tired as Mary was, she just wanted to look at her a while longer.


	23. Grateful

Olivia wasn't acting like a baby girl who had been through a very serious heart surgery a few days before and in a way that worried Matthew Crawley. She seemed to want to constantly and her sleep schedule was completely messed up. The doctor's head advise it was all normal and all a good sign that things were going as they should. They assured them with work, her sleep schedule would work itself out once they worked with her at home. That being in the hospital wasn't the best way to judge a baby's schedule. Except, Matthew was exhausted. He loved every minute of being with Olivia who was playful, but he was pretty tired. Mary was too. They were waiting on Dr. Ward to return with some test results as well as the approval for Olivia to start physical therapy and neither one of them could keep their eyes open. Olivia was playing with a few sensory blocks on the sofa by the window with his mother, while Mary closed her eyes, her arm over her head to cover her eyes and Matthew found himself nodding off. Dr. Ward would be in any minute and they were exhausted. Thankfully, his mother was amazing. She was keeping Olivia entertained while they tried to catch up on some rest. Not that they were getting much of it. They were so tired, that his mother demanded that she stay in the house with them the first two days after returning home to help out and neither he or Mary argued. They didn't have the energy to try to argue and truth be told, they needed to catch up on sleep. If they were going to keep up with all of the medications, adjusting to Olivia's messed up schedule and getting back to normal, they were going to need some help. Ms. Patmore had already told Cora that she would be having food delivered up to their house for at least the first two weeks so that Mary and Matthew wouldn't have to think about meals while they came down from the stress. They were lucky and they knew most people did not have the support that they had. It reminded him that he wanted to give back somehow to those who were not as fortunate. For now, he was too tired to think of how.

He could hear Olivia giggle in the background as he squeezed his eyes closed tighter. Maybe he had been so focused on Oliva, that he had never noticed just how abrasive the hospital lights could be when they were all on to light the room. It wasn't very relaxing.

It was very obvious that his wife was feeling the same way. She was exhausted and he knew it. She had slept even less than him lately and he was pretty sure they were going to need another night away from the hospital soon. He missed his wife. He knew Olivia had to be their focus right now, but he missed the intimacy that he and his wife were accustom to. They were used to a very active lifestyle when it came to the two of them and it had all come to a halt. Not before Olivia, but the moment they had lost the baby. In some ways everything that had happened, brought them closer than ever. In other ways this had pushed them further than ever away from each other. He knew they were both guilty of it, but at the same time they couldn't help it. They were completely in love with each other, but circumstances had made them distant without even trying. That didn't stop Matthew from wanting her though, or falling more and more in love with her while watching her be the best mother to the little girl who had been battling for her life. The fight certainly wasn't over and while it didn't seem possible, Matthew was going to just continue to grow his love for Mary. Although right now, he just wanted to sleep. He knew they all did.

"Ba! No…nie! Ba!" Olivia squealed from the side of the room and Matthew felt his wife shift in the stiff bed. "Ba ba ba….doh…."

"Olivia…shhh." He heard his mother try not to let a laugh escape her lips. A moment later Olivia was quieter, her small noises pacified. "Let's play with the puzzle. I don't think you've played with this one from your Aunt Edith."

Matthew smiles to himself as he listens to his mother go on and play with Olivia. The one thing Isobel loved more than being a nurse and a mother, was being a grandmother. From the moment she had known that there would be a baby, she beamed with pride. The fact that Olivia wasn't blood never mattered to her either and his mother had a glow about her from the very first moment. His mother loved Olivia dearly. He listened to her play with his daughter for a while longer, until the door to the hospital room opened and in came Lucy, her long pony-tail dancing behind her. Matthew sat up in the bed, Mary quickly following. "Hey Lucy."

"Hello." Lucy smiled, her city accent appearing thicker today than normal. "How is Olivia this morning?"

"Quite Ornery." Mary yawned, as Olivia tossed one of the wooden puzzle pieces onto the hard floor and Matthew stood up to get it before his mother reached for it. "She's been extremely thirsty."

"I saw Dr. Ward changed her steroid." Lucy replied as Isobel carried Olivia over to the hospital bed and Lucy began examining the heart monitor. "He probably wanted something less aggressive to send her home with."

"Send her home?" Matthew frowned, handing Olivia her pacifier after she just tossed it onto the bed.

"Dr. Ward has her discharge orders set for this evening." Lucy replied, opening Olivia's chart and flipping a page over. "He has the orders in here, but he has a care meeting for her to go over everything that she will require."

"Everything she will require?" Mary frowned, lifting Olivia onto her lap. Matthew could see Mary's eyes look to their daughter, a million questions forming in her mind as they were in his. Olivia would come home? "Is she really going home?"

"Dr. Ward will clarify everything with you, but he has her set to be released.

"Lucy, is it safe for her to be released?" Matthew asked, watching as Olivia tried to offer her pacifier to the nurse they had come to know quite well.

"Olivia, Lucy doesn't want your 'ba' this time either." Mary giggled, placing a kiss to Olivia's hair before looking back up at the nurse. "Is it the best idea? It's not even been a week since her surgery."

"Dr. Ward will clarify everything and confirm that he does in fact want her to go home, but Olivia is thriving. Her number's are improving, her incisions look great and I am sure he has a care plan in place."

"I'm sure Lucy can't discuss much more with us until Dr. Ward goes over it." Isobel replied, sitting back down to fold a few of Olivia's blanket. Lucy smiled and began checking Olivia's vitals.

"She's right, but I am here all day so I will be in later too." Lucy smiled, poking at Olivia's belly. "I will bring this little one some food here soon. The kitchen is sending some up for her and then the physical therapist will be in ."

"Physical therapist?" Matthew frowned, watching as Olivia curled up in Mary's arms, very clearly ready for a nap. She often became tired very suddenly still, not giving a lot of time to build up to it.

"She hasn't really had an opportunity to move or crawl since she's been here." Lucy explained as Olivia began to waive at her. "The therapist will test her mobility and evaluate where we need to get her back on track, then we will set someone up to come to the house if needed."

"I had forgot about crawling." Matthew admitted, feeling sad that Olivia hadn't been able to do much at all.

"She'll have a few specialists for a while." Lucy added, lightly bopping Olivia's nose with her finger. "Dr. Ward will specify those details."

"Right…" Mary frowned, looking down at Olivia and Matthew felt a wave of sadness in his body as Lucy finished up and left the room, leaving them all there. He watched as his wife leaned back in the hospital bed, trying to relax with the little one in her arms who was slowly surrendering to sleep. He got up from the bed and walked over to his mother who was watching Mary and Olivia too.

"Physical therapy…other specialists." Matthew stayed quiet, looking over at his mother. "I knew she was going to be seeing a heart doctor, but I didn't think about the other issues this could cause. What if she has trouble crawling again or this sets her behind schedule?"

"Then it does and we get through it." His mother said confidently, looking at him with her eyes narrowed. "Matthew, she's alive and there was a point where we weren't sure if she would be. I can think of a lot of things we were worried about, but crawling isn't one of them. She's going to get on track, but right now I think we should take our victories and celebrate the fact that we're going to take her back to Downton. Back to your home with her toys. Don't think about the work that has to be done, think about how you're taking a little girl with a repaired heart. She's going to be home."

"She's going to be home." Matthew smiled, replaying his mother's words and he realized that she was right. Olivia had been through so much and while he wished the time with doctor's and specialists was over, she was right. Olivia had lived. It had come so close to a different outcome and now they were going to take her home. Olivia had made it and while they still had a way to go, their little one was going to be home to celebrate the first year of her life. He had a lot to be grateful for and his mother reminded him of that. Olivia would catch up, but it was a whole lot better than losing her and he had to remember that they were to be grateful for all of this.


End file.
